Sharon Stone lost custody of her 8-year-old son Roan on Tuesday when a San Francisco judge ruled that her ex-husband Phil Bronstein should have “permanent sole physical custody” of the child. But why? Could this be the very same karma that Stone said caused the horrific earthquake in China a few months ago? Surprisingly, it's not nearly that dramatic — the judge didn’t base his decision on Eastern philosophy at all.But we almost wish he had. According to court documents, His Honor simply thought it’d be better for Roan if he were to continue going to school in San Francisco instead of moving to LA with his mom; staying with Bronstein will “provide a more structured continuity, stable, secure and consistent home that...Roan needs.” Stone’s lawyer Martin Singer, of course, was quick to point out that this decision has nothing to do with her fitness as a mother. After all, she is still retaining custody of her two adopted children. And if Stone decides to move to San Francisco, the decision can be reversed. So while Stone may remain crazy, this scenario appears to be unrelated, maybe even resolvable. For once, a Stone story sounds perfectly reasonable to us. [Photo Credit: Getty Images]

You might not have taken Molls for much of a Claymate, but we're counting her today among the legions still baffled, hurt, shocked and stunned over their hero's recent defection from the closet. As such, today's episode of Defamer To Do's provides an essential period of reflection for Molls and her anguished partners in faith to grapple with Clay Aiken's disclosure and finally — finally — let the healing begin. Or, if you were in the minority who saw through the ruse all along, follow along for a glimpse at today's essential places to be for the dark night of the soul ahead.· The Hives at the Mayan · KGB Comedy at Bar Lubitsch · War Tapes EP Release Party at Boardner's · You Need Help at UCB

The Lynne Spears Redemption Tour continues, with the mother of Britney and Jamie Lynn sitting down with Newsweek to discuss her new book, Through the Storm (also known as The Lynne Spears Guide to Fucking Up Your Children). Talk turned to vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, whose daughter Bristol supposedly received a gift from fellow teen mother Jamie Lynn. Now, though, it seems like Lynne is having second thoughts about that show of solidarity — in fact, she wants to know why Sarah Palin is attracting so much more support than she is:

BREAKING! Natalie Portman Hippie-Free! After six months at Devendra Banhart's aromatic side, Natalie Portman is reportedly making a clean break from her hirsute paramour's patchouli-stinking grip. "Natalie and Devendra will remain friends but need some space and time away," a Banhart source says, but our own spies near Portman's New York base insist the actress will begin washing that man right out of her hair — after a V For Vendetta-style shearing and 48-hour delousing quarantine, naturally. Welcome back, Nat! [ITW]

Click to viewBoomp3.com Thirsty Tuesday hit an unfortunate sour note for one fan of the popular HBO series Entourage when its star Adrian Grenier entered the bar. The fan attempted to confront Grenier about the program's declining quality but soon fled tearfully, leaving only boyfriend left in the bar. The boyfriend gave Grenier the Cliff Notes version of the situation, explaining how despondent she’s been since Entourage's slide. Never one to disappoint a fan, Grenier flew out of the bar, rushed down the street, caught up with the sobbing woman and gave her a big hug. He then clutched her tightly, leaning in to whisper something in her ear. The tears quickly faded into a smile and a look of optimism. Grenier and the woman left their embrace and started to walk back to the bar. “Also," Grenier added, "the economy is going to bounce back. It always does.” [Photo Credit: INF Daily] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

America, let's face it: KITT from Knight Rider is kind of a bitch. Though he's a car designed for adventuring, KITT is also a big scold, always crying, "Do this!" "Do that!" "Miiiichael, the risk factor is too high!" It remains to be seen whether the Val Kilmer-voiced vehicle in tonight's Knight Rider reboot will prove less neurotic over time, but until then, we thought we'd take a trip down memory lane and give props to the "smart" cars we'd prefer to take a ride in. With the help of Molly McAleer, we've created this loving tribute to five of the best onscreen autos to ever rev their engines. Sorry, Herbie — better luck next time? [NBC]

Heartwarming news out of Las Vegas today indicates that Verne Troyer may have finally moved beyond the anguish of his Love Guru/Mini-Me Sex Tape summer twofer and into the restorative arms of one Dominique Arganese, a Montreal-based model whom Troyer recently wooed with a whirlwind Sin City courtship, according to InTouch Weekly:

Actually, no he won’t. But the former Growing Pains star and born-again nutjob does have a movie coming out called Fireproof, and according to the LA Times it “has been No. 1 in advance sales on movie ticketing site Fandango.com with 31% of this week's business, albeit in a slow marketplace— even outpacing sales for the big-budget popcorn thriller Eagle Eye, starring heartthrob Shia LaBeouf.” How in the name of Boner Stabone is this possible?You guessed it: Fireproof is another of Cameron's religious-themed movies, and thanks to bulk purchases by church groups, it seems likely to rake in the big bucks this weekend and beyond. So what will these crowds be treated to? How about Kirk Cameron as a heroic fireman who’s having problems with his wife? But instead of taking the heathen’s way out and getting a divorce, he looks to God to teach him how to be a better husband. Sounds thrilling to be sure, but don’t go expecting another Passion of the Christ here; Jesus on the cross can outdraw Kirk on the ladder any day. But still, you godless A-listers better watch your back: Cameron is coming for you, and he’s got the Lord on his side. Amen. [Photo Credit: Getty Images]

While not everyone is surprised by Clay Aiken's decision to come out of the closet (speaking to Extra, Simon Cowell said dryly, "It's like being told Santa Claus isn't real"), there is one sort of person who's had to take the workday off to burn Anthropologie candles and listen to "Bridge Over Troubled Water" on repeat, and she is the "Claymate." Aiken's most ardent fans are predictably in a lather about the revelation, with reactions running the gamut of the Kübler-Ross cycle of grief (albeit with more emoticons).

Click to viewBoomp3.com It ain’t easy being a smoker at LAX these days. My Name Is Earl star Jason Lee felt as if he had to hike all the way to Northridge in order to find a spot where he could have a very vital stress releasing cigarette before his flight. Lee understands the desire to have smokers separated from the general public, but the cubby hole he was placed into was a bit much. Lee said, “I get it, but couldn’t they give us smokers more room to work with other than this little box. The line to smoke goes all way down to Manhattan Beach. We’re people who have a bad habit, but it’s not a crime. Maybe two or three people could smoke at a time.” [Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Roger Ebert, Wise Guy: Despite getting our hands on the damning outtakes of the critic's recent Q&A explaining Creationism, we allowed for the possibility that the whole episode might have just been an elaborate, tongue-in-cheek statement about people's eagerness to believe anything they see, hear or read. Right on cue, the crafty Ebert confirmed our suspicions late Tuesday in a finger-wagging ramble entitled This is the Dawning of the Age of Credulity: "Let's go to work as perceptive readers. It might be a two-step process. [...] I expected better from evolutionists." Funny — we expected better from a Pulitzer Prize-winning film critic. Anyway, Rog, we're over it. How was Eagle Eye? [Chicago Sun-Times]

· Returning to his Blind Date/Hudson Hawk roots as a sensitive, almost Bergmanesque observer of angst and insecurity, Bruce Willis will make his directorial debut and star in the "indie psychological drama" Three Stories About Joan. And if you still harbor doubt about the film's chamber-drama cred, 10,000 B.C. star Camilla Belle is attached to star. [Variety] · Lifetime outbid six other networks for the rerun rights to How I Met Your Mother, which execs are reportedly considering spinning off with the Lifetime original series How I Survived Your Father Knocking Me Up at 15. [THR] After the jump: Ben Affleck loses his job, Billy Crystal reclaims his own, and the world contemplates another Star Wars movie.· Ben Affleck is in talks to star as a downsized corporate hack in Company Men, which we're told calls for a second male lead as well. Matt Damon casting bets are currently paying 2:3. [THR] · After a six-year hiatus, Billy Crystal will return to the big screen opposite Dwayne Johnson in Tooth Fairy. [Variety] · On the heels of Capote the Hutt, would George Lucas dare to adapt the new Star Wars video game as an animated feature? On second thought, please don't answer that. [Hero Complex] · CBS and ABC were up, Heroes was down on the fall TV season's opening night. [Variety] · Sony is keeping the plot for its newly optioned feature White Dad "under wraps." Meanwhile, the aggressively quick thinkers at Lifetime are angling for a Latino Babysitter MOW sequel as we speak. [THR]

With the low weight of its lead actresses firmly on everyone's mind, you'd think producers of the new 90210 would be a little more vigilant when it comes to eating scenes on their show, placing a thick, juicy hamburger in the hands of Shenae Grimes and allowing Jessica Stroup to update Silver's blog with a basket of hot wings alongside her laptop. Last night's episode, however, only added more fuel to the ravenous fire. When the much-scrutinized actresses sat down to lunch in the school cafeteria, neither ate a single thing on their plates (the only food consumed was a measly two fries by interloper Naomi). Then, with her meal still visibly untouched, Stroup's character rose up at the end of lunch to throw her tray away. At least take your leftover salad to the women's shelter, Silver! Gosh, do we have to write all the plotlines around here? [The CW]

Normally when hot chicks stop being attracted to an 82-year-old man, it’s not newsworthy—like reporting on the fact that Clay Aiken is gay. But when that man happens to be Hugh Hefner, it’s time to investigate. Yesterday we told you that Criss Angel was dating Holly Madison, Hef’s number one Girl Next Door. And today, the New York Post is reporting that Kendra Wilkinson has been hooking up with football player Hank Baskett. Only Bridget Marquardt has remained loyal to Hef. Well, as loyal as one can be while being married to some guy from Ohio!?! Great Caesar's ghost, what in the name of Barbi Benton's breasts is going on at the Playboy Mansion these days?Is it possible that Hef is losing his mojo? That women find his wrinkly skin and thinning hair unattractive? That they enjoy the company of a man who doesn’t always feel the need to wear a smoking jacket? Surely these girls aren’t just pretending to like Hef as a publicity stunt while they build up their careers with reality shows and magazine appearances. That would be unconscionable. It’s a sad day in Holmby Hills when a man can’t find true love and happiness with three blond women less than half his age. But does that mean its time for Hef to stop having sex and start drinking prune juice and watching Matlock? Nah. There’s probably an 18-year-old fresh off the bus from Iowa swimming in the Grotto right now. And as long as Hef has Viagra coursing through his veins, he will make her his new girl next door. [Photo Credit: Getty Images]

Click to viewBoomp3.com Reality TV star/budding actress Audrina Patridge made an offer that many men simply can’t refuse before heading off to a medical appointment in Century City. Patridge threw down a hefty gauntlet to all near by men and simply said, “We’re on the parking level and my appointment is on the sixth floor. So, we got five floors to make our own version of Aerosmith’s 'Love in the Elevator' for the building’s security guards. Come on, you know they’re bored, so let's give them a once in a lifetime moment here.” The future star of The Last House On Sorority Row began to sing the chorus of the popular hard rock hit in a breathy tone as the doors started slowly close before the pappers’ eyes. Nearly mimicking the legendary “Here’s Johnny” shot from The Shining, Patridge placed one half of her bug eyed sunglasses against the closing gap and asked, “Last chance to live it up while going down….5..4…3.” The door closed before Patridge could say the magical number. [Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Now that America has had time to process yesterday's shocking bombshell that Clay Aiken is gay (and now that Debbie from accounting has gotten her breathing under control), People magazine has released excerpts from their exclusive cover interview. In it, Aiken discusses coming out to his mother four years ago, a rocky experience that may have prepared him for the real hurdle: weathering reaction from millions of hysterical Claymates.

This just in from Defamer's Wall Street bureau: Pharmaceutical stocks are down and airlines are up this morning on news that Australian water is the world's most fashionable new fertility drug. Or at least that's the word straight from Nicole Kidman, who attributes her recent pregnancy to the pregnancy-friendly falls of Kununurra — the tiny town where the actress filmed her upcoming epic Australia. And while our skeptical medical experts beg to differ, the numbers from the mouth of the water's unofficial, Oscar-winning spokeswoman do not lie:

· After being ritually abused by cloddish comedians for nearly two hours at the largely laugh-free roast for Bob Saget (save for Norm MacDonald's tremendous bit) a few weeks back, it was good to see Cloris Leachman getting the last laugh on Dancing With The Stars last night. It goes without saying that we were tremendously shocked to discover the Grand Canyon-esque 82 year-old cleavage that she's been hiding all these years. We were not surprised, however, to learn that her classiness and elegance on the dance floor greatly outweighs that of her much younger competitor, Miss Kim Krash-dashian. [DWTS] · American Psycho ... the musical? We can't wait to see what they do with the showstopping "Hip To Be Square" dance number. [ONTD] · We'll take any and every opportunity we get to reset the "I Can Do 200 Of These" guy. [BWE] · Even Megan Fox's mom is pretty sure that story of hers about her alleged affair with a stripper at The Body Shop is total bullshit ("Is it all true? I don’t know. It’s possible she made it up just like it’s possible that it happened."). [Palm Beach Post] · This ancient commercial for a 1-900 number that you would dial to hear other people can't possibly be real, can it? It can only be described as a Jack Handy "Fuzzy Memories" SNL skit meets Chuck Palahniuk. [Videogum]

Here at Defamer, we usually announce the latest Hollywood projects in our trade round-up, but today's Variety included mention of an upcoming project that was so balls-out bizarre, we knew it needed special attention. According to the industry bible, Wanted helmer Timur Bekmambetov is prepping an adaptation of Herman Meville's Moby Dick. Naturally, as befits a project of this sort of literary stature, he has brought aboard writers Adam Cooper and Bill Collage (who previously scripted the Justin Long comedy Accepted) to draft the screenplay. Says Variety:

As we eagerly await this weekend's Nights in Rodanthe to see if Richard Gere and Diane Lane can continue to make old-people sex as hot as it was in Unfaithful, we got to thinking — Nicholas Sparks is a total baller. Sparks, who writes the standard romance novel fare that stocks airport bookstores, wrote Rodanthe and has successfully pandered his schlock to production companies who have turned a number of his books into best-selling films. The Notebook, arguably the biggest success of the adaptations, quickly became that movie girlfriends forced their boyfriends to watch in the hopes of emulating real-life lovebirds Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams. But now comes the recent news that Sparks is no longer satisfied with hipster newcomers and wants to hit the big time, so he's selling out and writing both a novel and a screenplay adaptation for a new film which are specifically designated for queen Miley Cyrus herself. Sparks is a smart cookie and he knows women love his shit. So is he the next Nora Ephron?Here are a few reasons why we think his films are so popular: 1.) They're completely unrealistic, and we love it. Clearly, the main reason women love romance movies is that they are ridiculously far-fetched. Sure, our boyfriends would jump on to a moving ferris wheel a la Ryan Gosling to ask us out on a first date! And pale, feeble, Cross-bearers like Mandy Moore could certainly tame popular cool cats like Shane West in A Walk to Remember in real life. We know it's all bullshit, but a girl can dream. 2.) He gets the right people to play the parts. Okay, when you were in high school, you totally thought pre-ER bad-boy Shane West was a fine piece. And clearly whoever is casting these things still has the knack for it: Channing Tatum is set to star in the upcoming adaptation of Dear John, and obviously Miley is in demand. Plus, James Franco cameo as Richard Gere's son this weekend? Do us. 3.) True love can survive anything. Gosling goes off to war. And then McAdams-turned-Gena Rowlands goes totally insane at the end of The Notebook and wanders all over the hospital post-midnight. It looks like the house in Rodanthe is about to rot into a piece of driftwood. Are these obstacles too grand to stop a Sparks plotline? Never! True love prevails over all. 4.) Speaking of houses - the ones in the movies are fucking sweet. Gosling builds McAdams a house. Like, are you serious? It has a ridic balcony so she can paint fields and rainbows and swans on the lake and shit. And though we haven't seen Rodanthe yet, it has blue shutters and is so close to the water the sand stains the windows. We want to live there. 5.) And finally, even old people can get it on in a Sparks flick. We weren't totally repulsed when Rowlands and James Garner made out at the end of The Notebook, and that's saying something.