Whether you take or leave Coldplay mostly depends on your taste for their brand of overproduced nursery rhymes and moody rock-star glowering. But what of the megaband's performance this past weekend on Saturday Night Live, with frontman Chris Martin bounding through Studio 8A like a sort of atonal Bono? What of that insistent pitchiness and those karaoke-grade moves underscoring his most recent album's title track "Viva la Vida" — the single on which Coldplay's label EMI was counting to help rescue it from certain insolvency in 2009? In a post-Groban world where any court jester who tries hard enough can usurp his king's crown, is Martin's lunacy the un-self-conscious work of a born performer, or just another postmodern, funk-faking harbinger of SNL's obsolescence? We could go either way, though (SPOILER ALERT) the inspired back-bend at the end puts this just over the top for us every time. Team Coldplay? We think? [NBC]

Click to viewBoomp3.com Strict parental unit Billy Ray Cyrus enforced a new rule for daughter Miley Cyrus and sort of boyfriend, hunky underwear model Justin Gatson. Father Cyrus based his new rule on the infamous "five seconds" rule and Gatson now has to stand at least five feet away from his daughter when out in public in an attempt to cut down on the creepy factor. Billy Ray said, “I got the idea this morning after I dropped a grape on the kitchen floor. I naturally started the countdown in my head as I bent down to pick it up. Now, if five seconds is all that separates me from harmful bacteria and disease, then five feet or so should keep things from getting creepy and uncomfortable and people getting the wrong idea. They’re not into putting labels on things.” [Photo Credit: X17] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Yet more bad news from the abattoir better known as the Los Angeles Times newsroom: Film critic Carina Chocano is one of 75 staffers put down today by butchers at the Tribune Co., bringing to 325 the number of LAT employees laid off since last summer and the fourth full-time film critic to vanish from a Tribune daily since July 2007.Chocano, whom we've admired since her days at Salon, broke the news in a brief note to FishbowlLA; her departure leaves veteran Kenneth Turan as the lone full-timer among a growing pool of freelancers (including Kevin Thomas, whose own contract the paper bought out in 2006). Fittingly or not, Chocano's final feature for the Times addressed the portrayal of hard economic times in the movies: "The pendulum seems to be swinging again from the decadent mainstream art of fat times to the scrappy countercultural art of lean times. For a while, at least, anger and unadorned reality may stage a cathartic comeback." We'd like that, too, Carina — just not like this.

When you're just a lonely regular person, you can always post a personal ad on Craigslist. But what if you're a lonely celebrity person? And not just any celebrity person, but a celebrity person with a medical degree and board certification, who millions turn to regularly for health advice? Well, then it's not so easy. For starters, forget the Craigslist personals, and move over to the help wanted section—because what you're looking for is a PR assistant to help you weed through the available dating pool, smoking out the social-climbers, the gold-diggers, and the butterfacers in search of The One:

While outlandish casting rumors for the next Batman sequel are a dime a dozen (we're starting another right here: fresh from her Dreamgrillz triumph, VH1 star Tiffany "New York" Pollard is being tipped to star as Bruce Wayne's next love interest), we've never been able to put much stock in them, principally because Bat mastermind Christopher Nolan hasn't actually signed on to a third film yet. Now, talking to the LAT, the director signals that his future involvement in the series shouldn't be seen as an inevitability:

Click to viewBoomp3.com Oscar favorite Anne Hathaway took to the produce of her local Whole Foods to recreate one of her favorite scenes from the movies, the shower dance from Flash Dance. The Rachel Getting Married star was perfectly in sync with the produce sprinkler system as she twirled around the fresh vegetable department. Hathaway’s impromptu dance number ended with a thunderous round of applause and a flurry of five and ten dollar bills. [Photo Credit: X17] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

· Sam Raimi is executive producing Spartacus for Starz, a gladiator drama whose look and tone will owe more to 300 than it will to the 1960 Kirk Douglas movie. So it won't be suggestively homoerotic, but rather overtly homoerotic. We're seeing plenty of cross-promotional broadcast potential on Starz sister-channel, Gayz! [THR] · Warners has bought the rights to Japanese anime movie Ninja Scroll. The rights to commenter scroll_lock's life story, however, are still available, and would make a compelling action/suicider. [Variety] · The economy is affecting your quality of life in ways you hadn't even thought of: It's being fingered as the reason a group of struggling new shows like Knight Rider, Private Practice, and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles have been given full-season pickups. [THR] After the jump: Is it a Dr. No or a Dr. Yes? Chinese weigh in on the new Bond film.· A&E has picked up a second season of Benjamin Bratt series The Cleaner. [THR] · The People's Glorious Bureau of Cinematic Cleansing has deemed Quantum of Solace appropriate for Chinese eyes, as the latest Bond film will screen in that country without a single edit. [Variety]

Duly Noted: To us, the simple three-note structure of the famous NBC chimes leaves little room for interpretation, but then, we lack the cunning intellect of NBC head Ben Silverman. According to Variety, the network is asking musical acts like T.I., the B-52s, and the Flaming Lips to record their own twist on the theme for ads that will air between NBC's shows. Is it too much to hope for that Silverman will submit his own, Ryan-Seacrest-approved version? "Hey, dwindling Knight Rider audience! Ding DING ding!" [Variety]

A tender postmortem in today's New York Times reminds the world yet again that seriously — like, really, this time — David Geffen is leaving DreamWorks. Having shepherded the monolith through the Hollywood establishment from conception to its first marriage (and divorce) before giving the frazzled bride away a second time in an arranged marriage to its dashing Indian suitor, Geffen's tenure is remembered fondly by his 'Works co-founders Steven Spielberg and Jeffrey Katzenberg. Not that they'll admit to knowing what they're doing without him.Such modesty! To a point, anyway: If and/or when his Reliance Big Entertainment honeymoon ever tapers off, Spielberg and DreamWorks president Stacey Snider really won't have the Geffen touch to help woo another international conglomerate into bed. But by then Spielberg, 62, will probably be ready to scale back anyway, and survival will be less about braintrust than brand (and the library it manages to develop with its new distribution partners at Universal). He shouldn't even be there now, if one of his more illuminating disclosures today is to be believed:

Hooker personality Tiffany "New York" Pollard (now there's someone we have a feeling is already well acquainted with Dr. Manhattan's cobalt nether regions) has addressed the media recently about Jennifer Hudson—whose skyrocketing career she doesn't envy in the least—and her fiance, a former I Love New York contestant whom she had the gall to liken to a gold-digging Al Reynolds. Having learned with the rest of us of the horrifying Hudson family deaths in Chicago, however, Pollard was consumed by guilt over her tactless remarks, and instantly set about righting her wrongs by issuing her deepest condolences to Hudson in the best way she knew how: by recording a heartfelt video message outside LACMA's streetlamp installation. She then went back about her regular routine of making kissy sounds at passing luxury vehicles in the hopes that one of them might contain the producer who will put her in his hip-hop movie musical, Dreamgrillz. [YouTube]

">Hollywood PrivacyWatch Two-For-One! 10/26/08 — A friend and I stopped by Hugo's in West Hollywood for a late lunch. As we were walking through the patio toward our table, we passed a very familiar looking blond woman. We got to our table, and I excused myself to go to the ladies' [room]. My friend said "On your way back, could you check to see if that blond woman is SHARON STONE?"Sure enough, it was Sharon having a leisurely lunch with a friend. Sharon looked fresh faced and relaxed. She's very pretty in person. My friend and I ate our lunch, asked for the check, and sat for a bit longer to chat. I looked up and who should I see walking around the corner but ELLEN PAGE looking hipster-y in a black and white checkered scarf, t-shirt and skinny jeans. She was with a waif-ish dude who was wearing Risky Business sunglasses. They were moving fast toward the parking lot behind Hugo's. Ellen looked a little tired. Maybe she was heading home for a nap? Two great sightings in one meal, and all we had to do was sit there! Sharon was still lunching when we left. [Hollywood PrivacyWatch is written by and for Defamer readers; send your sightings to tips@defamer.com.]

What's in the stars this week? Stock market turbulence? More octogenarians behaving badly? Answers below. If today - October 27 - is your birthday: Your numbers are 11, 39 and 54. These would be lucky numbers, if they didn't already equate to the ages of the individuals on set today who will yell at you for fucking up their lunch orders. Scorpio (October 24 - November 21): Instead of putting that Jamie Kennedy reality competition series into production, how about you greenlight some time with your son? He's starting to burn things at school. More celestial wisdom after the jump!Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): At Tuesday's call, don't greet your fellow petite, blonde, fresh-faced types that are at every casting session with hugs and polite questions and displays of real friendship. Save your acting for the room. Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): You will know that you have found your ultimate love match when he/she agrees that Synecdoche, New York was a perfect first date movie. Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Find better uses for your time. Ringo Starr's fan mail deadline was last week, and he already passed on your Yellow Submarine sequel - Return to Pepperland.

Here's your first look at what is expected to be Clint Eastwood's last performance, as a grizzled racist widower taking on an Asian gang in his forthcoming drama Gran Torino. The catch: He's defending an Asian family along with the rest of his quiet, diversifying neighborhood. At first rumored to be the capstone of the Dirty Harry franchise, Gran Torino's trailer instead hints at a kinder, gentler vigilante — a surly old coot whose prostate enlargement defers only to the growth of his chosen weapon from finger-pistol to rifle to the titular automobile itself, a washed-and-waxed piece of vintage American steel not so unlike the growling icon behind its wheel. Which isn't to say Gran Torino looks like it will make anyone forget the rogue San Francisco cop (though after 37 years, "Get off my lawn" is a clever enough permutation of "Do you feel lucky, punk?"), but it may provide just enough nostalgia to bring bullet-riddled closure you didn't even know you wanted. Check all the feel-good fascism after the jump. [YouTube]

Low energy? Have a nutritious boost with this recipe for a Defamer Monday Morning Power-Up Smoothie: · 2 cups weak coffee · 47 hazelnut Coffee-Mate single servers · 128 Sweet n' Lo packets · Container of papaya yogurt with Post-It on it reading "Charlene's. DO NOT TOUCH." · Just the turkey slices from leftover platter of sandwiches · Petrified piece of Costco birthday cake · 1 scoop printer toner Pour all contents into paper shredder. Enjoy with a garnish of box office numbers, after the jump!1. High School Musical 3 - $42 million The biggest opening ever for a movie musical has Disney walking on air (and Vincente Minnelli spinning in his grave), as HSM's familiar cast of nonthreatening triple-threats successfully made the leap to the big screen. In the series's most mature storyline to date, the entire Wildcats team reveals that it's gay. East High's student body quickly rises to the occasion, however, mounting a bake sale to send their beloved basketball-dance team to the Teen Gay Olympics in Vienna, all of which culminates in the showstopper, "We're All in This Together (Lemon Bars For Change)." 2. Saw V - $30.5 million Saw lovers piled into theaters once again for the fifth installment of Lionsgate's Halloween tradition, though budget restrictions wouldn't allow for some of the series's more elaborate killing sequences. Instead, shots of Jigsaw riding his tricycle in front of a green screen were superimposed over stock footage of a pork slaughterhouse in Virginia, with V.O. of actors shouting, "Those aren't pigs! Those are human beings!" added later in post to enhance the chilling effect. Fans agreed it was the best installment yet. 3. Max Payne - $7.6 million Having virtually nothing left to say about Max Payne, we'll just point out that it took in an average of $2,248 per screen this weekend. By comparison, Noah's Arc: Jumping the Broom—yet another cult cable show to make the leap to the big screen this weekend—took $32,200 per screen. The lesson? Gamers might be an obvious built-in audience, but never underestimate fans of a black, gay Sex and the City. (Even if the movie's title disturbingly recalls Gay Vito's savage demise). 4. Beverly Hills Chihuahua $6.916 million You know that scene where there's literally thousands of chihuahua extras dancing and singing in Oaxaca? Wagandstuff mounted all of them. 5. Pride & Glory - $6.325 million One thing is for certain in this gritty cop drama: Colin Farrell WILLNOTAPOLOGIZEFUHDOINWHATHEDO! Particularly if what he do is wander in and out of an unconvincing New York accent.

While it is a joyous event that comedians Amy Poehler and Will Arnett delivered their first child, Archibald, over the weekend, we recognize that this development has some downsides, too (though perhaps not the ones implied by the above "circle of child life and death" feature that is currently gracing the front page of Yahoo!). For starters, this marks Poehler's end on Saturday Night Live, as the new mother will be segueing to her still-untitled NBC sitcom after some well-deserved maternity leave. Just as devastating: Poehler's unplanned absence from this week's live taping of SNL forced the audience to sit through a third, hastily scheduled Coldplay performance. Still, at least Poehler ducked out before she had to take part in the painful Barack Obama skit that Lorne Michaels pointlessly lured Maya Rudolph back for. Take a look, after the jump:Click to view

This year's Celebelection™ cycle reached its otherworldly apex over the weekend when hard-hitting Extra pundit Mario Lopez grilled Barack Obama for his takes on the senator's ailing grandmother (hint: sad) and the tragedy afflicting Jennifer Hudson's family (hint: still sad). Clearly there's something missing from the clip passed along to us — perhaps Obama's official reaction to John McCain's post-debate grabassery, or more important yet, his take on the diplomatic crisis befalling The View — but with any luck, Lopez's searing third-degree will be restored in time for the show's broadcast tonight. An entertained America is an educated America. [Extra]

· Did you hear the one about the View hosts who went at it backstage before denying the whole thing ever happened? Well, you have now. · Aaaannd on your undercard, William "Shining Ego" Shatner vs. George "Psychotic Gay Bridezilla" Takei. · Are Democrats better at political satire than Republicans? We wouldn't be so sure about that; Elisabeth Hasselbeck killed with that McCain shirt. · On the seventh day, the actual Sarah Palin went on Saturday Night Live. And for NBC, it was good. · We said farewell to Mr. Blackwell and Dolemite, motherfucker. · As this week's drug stories went, it's a photo finish between Carrie Fisher's homo-making Codeine and Gary Busey's canine-hooker coke-binge. · Just for the record: That's not a corpse in the Roosevelt Hotel pool — he's just sleeping. · We have lots of ideas for making the perfect celebrity PSA, and a Happy Days reunion is probably somewhere near the top. · It was a tough week for new James Bond films and overcooked Guns N' Roses albums. · You be the judge: Did or did Sarah Silverman not bomb in London? And has Wheel of Fortune ever offered a dumber group of contestants than these three? · Miley Cyrus's naughty-photo hacker spoke out; her underwear-model boyfriend's own naughty-photo leaker seethed with jealousy. Have a great weekend, everybody!

Hollywood has done its fair share of preaching to the political electorate this season, so Moviefone polled 1.1 million of its users to return the favor by electing their favorite screen presidents. They rose to the occasion by selecting Harrison Ford, Morgan Freeman, and several tremendous idiots. The list, after the jump:

Harvey Weinstein today passed along the not-so-surprising word that four Weinstein Company films slated for release this fall — Crossing Over, Fanboys, Shanghai and Killshot — will in fact be pushed back to 2009. Harvey's Friday News-Dump Massacre came by way of a phone call to Patrick Goldstein, to whom the schmogul spilled the details with all the crystalline logic we've come to expect — none of which, of course, has anything to do with the fact that he's broke. Find Defamer's handy Weinstein Excuse-to-English Guide™ for your convenience after the jump.· Fanboys: Harvey says the movie has been moved to January "so we can do a major promotion with Comcast, who's arranging for a big advertising tie-in for us on the film." (TRANSLATION: "Bob's a little behind burning DVD's, so we're letting Comcast customers rip their own for a limited time only.") · Crossing Over: "We're moving it to January. The market is just too crowded. Every week there are five more movies coming out. It's too crazy. Spring is much better—there are a lot more wide-open dates. The most important thing is to do well by the movie. Having it out in January gives us the opportunity to play the film at the Sundance and Berlin film festivals, which will be a big help to the movie." (TRANSLATION: "We're gonna try a pay-per-view premiere for festival guests at the Park City Marriott. Fresh ideas, Patrick! Hello?") · Killshot: "Everyone has said that Mickey Rourke is amazing in The Wrestler and will be up for all sorts of awards, so we decided to move Killshot to a date a few weeks before the Oscars. That way we can capitalize on all the heat that's going to be around Mickey." (TRANSLATION: "Do you know anyone who might wanna buy a Mickey Rourke movie? Never been opened.") · Shanghai: "It just couldn't be ready in time. The movie wasn't finished shooting until August and the director, Mikael Hafstrom, doesn't even deliver his cut until early November. He doesn't want it out now and neither do we. He needs time to make it as great as possible." (TRANSLATION: "Holy fucking shit, this sucks.") Meanwhile, Goldstein also quotes an anonymous industry heckler who said, "Whenever I'm tempted to take a project to Harvey, I lie down and take a nap and hope that when I wake up, I'm sober again." It's probably safe at this point to cross that "Weinstein-resurgence" prediction off our list for the season.

Click to viewBoomp3.com A London woman attempted to take advantage of a “hall pass” given to her by her husband and tried to put the moves on The Day The Earth Stood Still star Keanu Reeves. Reeves was rather high up on the woman’s list of male celebrities she’s allowed to sleep with with total immunity. The woman propositioned Reeves, but the actor politely declined despite being extremely flattered. [Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.