Welcome back to Defamer Attractions, your regular guide to everything new, noteworthy and quaintly Zellwegerian at the movies. This week: Liam Neeson battles the Blartocalypse, Elizabeth Banks goes bad, and The Class is in session.

Realizing posting foul-mouthed, fowl-pooped rants against his neighbor mightn't have been the gentlemanly thing to do (particularly considering construction of the Kutcher/Moore Cougar Den took a solid decade to complete), Kelso has tweeted an apologia.

· After three decades and a half-million hairstyles, Patti LaBelle finally reunites her eponymous R&B trio in LA at the Nokia Theater.

After Olivia Wilde's O.C. appearance established her as "the actress you hire to have lesbian sex scenes midway through a TV drama's run," she's found her unique wares haven't gone over as well at House.

Networks are starting to unveil key plans for Upfronts Week '09, that lavish rite of spring apparently unaffected by all this pesky talk of global economic collapse. Unless, of course, you work at NBC.

Pictured, tautly manboobed sexagenarian Sylvester Stallone, toasting Planet Hollywood's purchase of Buca di Beppo, who plan on extending the movie motif to the Italian chain by rechristening it Apastalypse Now.

Sunday, Monday and Thursday are the important TV nights, but with NBC's Comedy Night Done Right in reruns, your difficult choices are easier tonight. There should be no crying over missed TV.

Now that everyone has finally called bullshit on Joaquin Phoenix, his rep has issued a denial of the rumor/CLEAR TRUE FACT that his music career is just a hoax. However, precious little is really denied:

Two days after the Slum Interview Heard Round the World forced a detour upon Fox Searchlight's Oscar express, at least one other Best Picture hopeful is making its own swift move for the win.

Doing publicity for Mickey Rourke is like being a firefighter: when one Wrestlemania-related conflagration is put out, suddenly a costar starts spouting flames.

1/28 — I was at the Beverly Center food court last night having an overpriced Haagen Dazs with my pretty Indian date, fighting the urge to bring up Slumdog Millionaire because I'm sure a bunch of white guys like me have already used it as a lame conversation piece, when I see PETER JACKSON eating KFC for dinner with his wife and some other woman. He was nursing one of those bowls that looks like something a dog would turn down. I wonder if he valeted or parked across the street at the Beverly Connection like me... [Hollywood PrivacyWatch is written by and for Defamer readers; send your sightings to tips@defamer.com.]

Leno-less Letterman negotiates for post-2010 latenight domination. [B&C]

Showtime has always maintained that its Jonathan Rhys-Meyers starrer The Tudors isn't your father's stuffy historical drama, but the new ad campaign suggests maybe it is, if your father is into gay gladiator porn.

1/28 — Saw KEVIN MCDONALD (Kids in the Hall, fool!) at the Arclight on Sunset. He was wearing jeans and T-shirt, and fiddling on his phone. Looking kind of old, but I guess he sort of is? I didn't rush up to him and ask for a Sir Simon impression, just gazed adoringly from afar. No one else seemed to notice, but maybe they're just not into Canadian sketch comedy. Their loss, though, amirite? [Hollywood PrivacyWatch is written by and for Defamer readers; send your sightings to tips@defamer.com.]

You can second- and third-guess the success of Paul Blart: Mall Cop all you want — just don't let Bob Dole's press secretary hear you bad-mouthing it. He really doesn't like that.

Disney-ABC TV president Anne Sweeney sent out one of those stomach-dropping memos today, informing employees that 400 would be let go—from every division, and running all the way up the flagpole. It's after the jump.

Deathly Hallows stuntman hospitalized after fall. [Press Assoc]

Until now, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore's adventures in Twitterland have been innocuous enough escapades, Ash offering up humorous, 140-character-or-less movie quotes, his clueless cougress responding with amusing concern. All that is over.

Is Michael Cera floating an Arrested Development trial balloon? The actor is still refusing to commit to the big-screen version of his canceled series, but one of his costars claims to have the inside scoop.

On last night's Top Chef Super Bowl All-Star Face-Off Synergistic Cross-Promotion Can-We-Fit-Quaker-Oats-in-There-Somehow Extravaganza, the surviving chefs of Season 5—a group we find ourselves strangely attached to—were forced to cook head-to-head with past Chef contestants.