Or, which reality star actually has $50,000 in cash? Nevermind, today, there's also a model whose husband wants to porn up their sex life and acting rivals who consider plastic surgery a competitive sport.

More than other TV comedians, Norm MacDonald seems to delight in thumbing his nose at network bigwigs. Tonight it was CBS' turn, via David Letterman's Late Show. At least the audience had fun.

Are you happy with yourselves, America? Satisfied yet? This is what you wanted, right? A bunch of thick, charmless white guys for your Top 3? Well you got it!

Today in tawdry: A stank film director, a famous actor with huge lifts in his shoes, and a nice actress who loves kittens and babies. Outrageous!

Kiefer Sutherland's going to surrender to New York police to answer an assault complaint after head-butting a designer at SubMercer the other night. This could end in torture for Sutherland's show, 24. Such delightful turnabout!

We've got to admit: we were not excited for "Rock Week." The mentor was noted Hair Bear Slash, Adam was going to wear leather and butch his way through something from the screechy white dude school of classic rock, Kris was going to hope it was actually soft rock week, Danny was going to suck, and Allison was going to be fine. And that is basically how it all went down! Except better!

Today in human frailty: an Oscar winner wooing a publicist, an actress screaming for coke, a TV personality who tried to kill herself, and a fading celeb who can't get invited to the cool parties:

Do you need a job? Are you a young woman with "both head and body shots"? Do you have great hands? We have a job for you! You're gonna love it!

In our continuing series of guest recappers, we present a mysterious woman known only as Octavia Thundersnatch who braved one hour of insipid TV so you didn't have to.

Richard is off tra-la-la-ing through Paris this week and for some reason MTV still decided to air an episode of The Hills. Guest recapping the MTV abomination is hero Megan Kustra. Be nice to her.

Today in thinly-veiled takedowns of attractive people: an actor sexing a coke-buying teen, three reality show women whose golden days are over, and a superstar with a normal girlfriend (HEH).

Oh, to write jokes for one of those late night TV shows! Seriously, please, let me do that. Those staff writers get paid. But the freelancers get totally screwed!

Sometimes people play their roles correctly. Today's blind items: a tween star who talks to other girls and is therefore a gay, a weed-smoking rapper(!) and a drunk diva actress and her crackhead friends:

We hear Jason Oliver Nixon, once editor of Gotham, will oversee OK!'s editor in chief Katie Caperton, the former copy editor who recently became the magazine's third editor in eight months.

Nikki Finke heard a rumor that the catering company who was covering the big Star Trek premiere party last night totally shit the bed and ended up serving upscale grocery store food. To celebrities!

News from pilot season, from Disney's secret horrible laboratory, from the mixed-up files of Jim Carrey, from Japan, and from the Hot Tub Time Machine. Yes m'am.

Kim Masters thinks so, judging by her career assessment in The Daily Beast today. She discusses the troubled actor's path to redemption—funnee movie roles and Matt Lauer apologies—and determines him on the mend.

Today we have another closeted celebrity who's just asking to be outed, an actor who owes his successes to blackmail, and an actress with a terrible and chronic case of camel toe.

The president's its third televised news conference in as many months ended with ratings down 42 percent from their February peak of 49 million. The obstinate bastards at Fox win! Just look:

I don't know if y'all homos watch Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo, but something big is happening on the season finale. Something very big, and very gay.