Richard is off tra-la-la-ing through Paris this week and for some reason MTV still decided to air an episode of The Hills. Guest recapping the MTV abomination is hero Megan Kustra. Be nice to her.

I'm glad we can always count on The Hills to tackle some of the tough issues of our time: Does sleeping in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex count as cheating? Who would win in a cat fight, blondes or brunettes? Why do Playmates cause so much drama? In last night's episode we learn the answers to all these and more.

And you thought reality TV wasn't educational.

Heidi and Spencer are still trying to work through the Stacie-The-Bartender fight that has been brewing since the start of the season. Despite going to fake couple's therapy Spencer is still receiving texts from Stacie asking him to meet her at the club (where all the good drama goes down on The Hills). By this time in the relationship Heidi has wised up and learned a valuable tactic in developing a trusting relationship: snooping in your boyfriend's phone. Heidi discusses this text with co-worker Kim over lunch at Swingers. I kid you not, that is the name of a real restaurant. Or maybe they weren't actually eating there and it was just one of the many filler shots of cars and restaurants that are used to fill the space between this show's riveting dialogue, as described on this week's Family Guy.

Heidi is very mature, so she rounds up her Blonde-tourage of Stephanie and Holly and heads to the club to spy on Stacie. She rolls with Stephanie and Holly because family is obligated to listen to you bitch and whine. They offer insightful and supportive comments like "what?!" and "no way", and Stephanie drops what is soon to become my new favorite word "skankily". Guess the writers dropped the ball and forgot to check that one in Webster's. Stacie and her gaggle of brunettes arrive at the club and skankily confront Heidi and crew. No matter how many times Heidi tells Stacie to stop texting Spencer, Stacie trumps Heidi reminding her that she's the one who is actually still dating this loser. Point brunettes.

This obviously calls for another therapy session, and I'm left wondering how Speidi's therapist (if she is indeed a real therapist) still respects herself at the end of the day after listening to Heidi and Spencer argue about text messages and "the club". But then she probably just looks up at her numerous degrees hanging on the wall, reminds herself that she's getting paid hundreds of dollars per hour, and sits back and laughs at the viewers who are putting themselves through this torture for fun. At the end of the day, Heidi and Spencer's relationship is and always will be a mess anyway.

Meanwhile, there's a barbecue at Frankie and Doug's house! Doug is out of town on official business getting into bar fights over Paris Hilton, but Frankie makes sure to keep the action popping by throwing an event that will bring Audrina and Brody's girlfriend, Jayde, together for the first time since Audrina and Brody slept in the same bed in Hawaii. Such scandal! Jayde and Audrina exchange words where nothing is resolved, obvi, and Jayde is so distraught that she starts skankily drinking straight from the Jager bottle. Brody sure knows how to pick em.

Did anyone else just see the Vogue Eyewear commercial that blatantly promotes The Hills and features a model that suspiciously looks like Allie, the constantly-crying model girlfriend from The City? Because those shows aren't connected or anything so they would never use preferential casting.

The next night Audrina and Jayde again come face to face at the club, and Jayde decides that she owns this joint and Audrina shouldn't even think of coming near. After having an intellectual screaming match about respecting relationships and whose fake boobs look better, Jayde out-bitches Audrina and Brody steps up for his woman and asks Audrina to back off for awhile. Her mission accomplished, Jayde launches into some sort of robot-skank dance with the rest of her Playmate friends and continues to chug Jagermeister straight from the bottle. Where does one get a full bottle of Jagermeister in the middle of the club? I hope that was Jayde's personal bottle of Jager for the evening because if she's sharing that, she's sure to be spreading The Herp or Swine Flu or something nasty like that. You can put clothes on a playmate (albeit skanky ones), but apparently you still can't take her out in public to a respectable establishment like The Club.

In a defining moment of the show, Audrina lunches with Lauren and Lo to talk about the scene at The Club. Novel idea for Lauren to appear in her own show, even if it is to discuss someone else's life. The problem with this conversation is I can't take Audrina seriously while she's wearing that Mr. Potato Head hat…or ever for that matter. I also can't take her seriously because of the over-use of the word "drama" and her criticism that Playmates skankily cause too much of said drama. Miss Patridge, if I'm not mistaken you also tried to do Playboy. Ooh, take that biotch!

After lunch, Lauren remembers that this is indeed her show and convinces the cameras to follow her to a friend-date with Brody. She tries to convince him to apologize to Audrina, but Brody looks confused because he's getting regular ass from a Playmate, why would he screw that up? Lauren then comes to the foreboding and eerily accurate conclusion that "sometimes we sacrifice friendship for the one we love…it wouldn't be the first time." Which applies to this show in so many ways! Brody dissed Audrina, and many moons ago Heidi dissed Lauren. The member of the writing staff who came up with that gem to summarize this episode and life in general definitely deserves a cookie.