Superannuated, skeletal Viacom executive presence Sumner Redstone is mulling dividing his corporate behemoth into two separate companies, to allow faster growing portions, like its cable TV holdings, to grow unencumbered by struggling businesses like radio. While Redstone does his public song-and-dance routine for the benefit of Wall Street, we know exactly what he's up to—he's finally trying to select a successor. He's grown weary of the once-amusing executive cockfight he incited by making CBS's Les Moonves and MTV's Tom Freston share power as co-presidents of the company. While his new plan ostensibly hands over a CEO title to both of them, Redstone's testing his Number Twos with a Solomon-like threat to cut his baby in half. Our prediction: The world domination-obsessed Moonves demands that he get the part with the cute, gassy smiles and giggles and Freston be left with the one with the stinky diaper; a tearful, nice-guy Freston then begs that Redstone not cleave his infant. Redstone will then hand over Viacom to Freston, and three days later, Moonves will kill him.

Brittany Murphy is denying rumors that she's on the 24 Hour Colombian Miracle Diet, telling Jane magazine that she's as coke-free as a third-grade bake sale (well, one that's not in LA, at least):

A quick note to Ben Affleck: It's time to get fitted for that orange jumpsuit. How often does the universe hand you your very own Dead Man Walking?

Hey, Robert Blake, you've just been acquitted of murdering your wife! So what are you gonna do? Disneyland? "...I'm going to go out and do a little cowboying," said Blake. But what's cowboying, you ask? Blake explained it to the world shortly after his acquittal:

· It's hard to believe that not a single person bid on a pair of Mary-Kate Olsen's panties on eBay. Surely no one had doubts about their authenticity, because there's even a nice story about how the seller obtained the item. Still, nary a nibble. What's the world coming to?
· Bollywood continues to lag behind Hollywood in casting couch technology.
· The scariest words we've read all day, but only because we fear Falco only received 90 percent of the infant: "Edie Falco has adopted a baby boy, her agent confirmed Wednesday"
· Pajama pants: the must-have court fashion of the season.
· A final MJ thought: Is the famous Jeff Koons sculpture rising or falling in value now?

Simpsons creator Sam Simon was on Howard Stern this morning, sharing some very special memories of Michael Jackson's celebrated appearance on the show, a lovable turn as an animated mental patient with a shaved head.

· The Book Soup website asks, “Looking for a satisfying fictional dive into excess?” We prefer the excessive-dives of the nonfictional variety, but in any case, Matthew Carnahan signs his debut novel Serpent Girl at Book Soup tonight.
· This probably runs counter to the intention of the whole thing, but hey, this is our To Do list: International chicks with cameras! Tonight's the opening night presentation and gala for the 1st Annual Reel Women International Film Festival at Grauman's 6 at Hollywood and Highland.
· Looking to get your ass kicked by guitar-wielding Swedes? The Troubadour hosts this year's Swedish Music Showcase.
· John Digweed DJs at the Mayan...ecstasy sales rise...coincidence? Oh, stop thinking about it and fucking hug us already!

You won't be able to get a table at an Italian restaurant in this town for months.

On the Tenacious D message board A Special Thing, genius-level comedian (we're being sincere for a change) Patton Oswalt passes along a conversation he had with David Cross about the still non-canceled Arrested Development's future:

Britney Spears just wants MJ to be happy, OK y'all? This whole child molestation trial thingy has probably got him kinda depressed, like when Details pussied up Britney's man and put him on the cover in some, like, clean clothes. Spears has just the thing to turn that surgically-installed frown upside down!

This morning's "Art of the Poach" installment contained too much agency-abandoning nastiness to truly capture the Zen of the pullquotes from the New Yorker profile of "unorthodox" William Morris president Dave Wirtschafter. So here's today's proper, context-free quote:

When dreaming up self-promotional gimmicks to get some attention in Hollywood, some think big—billboard big. And some think very, very small. Like PennySaver ad small, which is how a reader found markhoxie.com. We visited the site, expecting a direct, "Jay the Writer"-style experience, with a list of projects and pitches; instead, we found paragraph upon paragraph of explanations of the writing impulse, a personal history, and a photo gallery (which, ironically, is there to allay the reader's fear that "this guy's crazy").

Readers have submitted various reports concerning Wilmer Valderrama's whereabouts last night, while doppleganger/Idol quitter Mario Vazquez was in NY, taping his Letterman top ten segment. Fez's night is coming into focus: Around 7pm, he was in the Chin Chin parking lot near Sunset, supposedly (and we can't confirm this) buying underwear. At 9pm, he was spotted at the Beverly Hills Hotel for a Hugo Boss event. Later, he was seen hanging around the DJ booth at Spider Club. Wait, hold on a sec...buying underwear? In a parking lot? This is the part you care about:

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com and let the world know that Brooke Shields bought you booze.

· News that ten people care about: The average cost of producing and marketing a movie fell 5% to $98 million in 2004. Yay, studios, pat yourselves on the back! Because when Vin Diesel finally gets that eleventy billion dollars approved to make Hannibal, that number's gonna soar. [Variety]
· Larry King will stay on at CNN until 2009, or until he collapses into a pile of dust in his desk chair, whichever comes first. [Variety]
· The FCC passes the swear jar from Michael Powell to commissioner Kevin Martin. We're thrilled that we work in the obscenity-laden Wild West that is the internet. Watch this: cocksucker! No fine! Yet... [THR]
· The principal from Boston Public and that teenage witch chick both get pilot jobs with Fox. We couldn't make this stuff up: the Fox projects are called Deviant Behavior and Dirtbags. [THR]
· Hoping to recapture the magic from the days when she wasn't so overexposed that the mere sight of her induced hate-seizures in a large part of the population, Jennifer Lopez reteams with Selena director Gregory Nava for her next movie, Bordertown. [Variety]

What's the only thing more homoerotic than the pseudo-macho banter from Top Gun? How about repeating that banter with a stranger while holding your penis?

Last night's American Idol marched bravely into the post-Mario Vazquez era, with other gay-seeming singers managing to complete their karaoke routines without issuing carefully-worded statements about "personal issues" that might preclude their continuing involvement in the competition. Vazquez, meanwhile, delivered a top ten list (a top seven, really) on Letterman. TVGasm has the audio of the list, and let's just say that his performance isn't going to make the gays at the Datalounge lose interest in him.

While it seemed like Disney CEO-in-waiting Bob Iger was sending a message to the world with this fortuitously placed ad on the NYT website, now it looks like someone's trying to slip him a warning in the same space.* And by "someone," we think it's pretty obvious we mean "Michael Ovitz." If Ovitz is trying to slip a note to Iger, he's being a little melodramatic; working underneath Michael Eisner didn't kill him, just his career.

Demi Moore's publicist is still denying that Ashton Kutcher put his penis inside Moore, ejaculated, and that the sperm from said ejaculation then fertilized Moore's egg, resulting in a pregnancy. And, quite frankly, the rep is a little tired of denying it, OK? He snaps at Rush & Molloy:

William Morris is in damage control mode as Tad Friend's New Yorker profile of president Dave Wirtschafter makes the rounds in Hollywood. Yesterday, Sarah Michelle Gellar, the linchpin of The Grudge and Scooby Doo franchises, ditched the agency in a publicist-assisted huff. Here's the offending quote from the article: