· The world has officially gone three different flavors of batshit insane: Showtime will rush the Fat Actress Season One DVD into stores, presumably accompanied by a tour of video stores where Kirstie Alley will be challenged to eat and/or have sex with anything you put in front of her, emitting her trademark high-pitched whine the entire time.
· Hey, look, another one of those animated GIFs where Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan/Brad Pitt/small dogs pretend to talk on the phone!
· New Calcanis blogging fiefdom TV Squad argues that Arrested Development should be canceled, but in an ironic way that suggests that it shouldn't actually be canceled. No need to go burn down their blog, AD fans.
· Why is this so funny to us? Oh, probably because Wonkette is down in Austin, having parties thrown for her at SXSW, and we're about to go find out how much money we owe the government.
· Finally, you now have the opportunity to buy crap at JC Penney inspired by the crap you've long admired on Cribs!
· Oh, we nearly forgot: Bijou Phillips has at least one nipple.

· The ArcLight screens What the Bleep Do We Know!? with a post-bleeping question and answer session with filmmakers William Arntz and Betsy Chasse and actress Elaine Hendrix.
· Norm Macdonald's new sketch comedy show for Comedy Central is looking for some warm bodies for a live taping. If you fit this description, you're eligible to have that guffaw of yours captured on a laugh track.
· For a mere five dollars, you can watch Har Mar Superstar celebrate Cinespace’s one year anniversary, and possibly see your wasted ass reproduced on The Cobrasnake tomorrow.
· For fifty bucks, you can "Rock The Runway" for charity, ogle MILF Cindy Crawford, and see the Yeah Yeah Yeahs—for charity! Of course, that 45 dollar difference could buy a lot of drinks at Cinespace, but that helps no one but you and your liver specialist.

Query Letters I Love, the blog that anonymously posts the ill-conceived pitch letters of the unhinged for all to see, presents a screenplay we'd like to see get made (although it's possible we've been blinded the brilliance of the title):

A reader spots Efren "Hey, remember me, I'm Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite!" Ramirez out clubbing over the weekend, and is put off by a bit of unseemly self-promotion:

After finding out that Page Six has retracted its story about her alleged mixed-age grope-fest with actor/father-figure Bruce Willis, Lindsay Lohan tore at her clothes, yanked her own hair, and dove into a mud puddle to cleanse herself of the non-memories of the brief, ill-fated liason that never was.

Reason number 14,578 to love Craigslist: The unsolicited, anonymous rant:

· At the ShoWest conference in Vegas, MPAA head Dan Glickman thanks foreign film markets for making even the most egregious of Hollywood's bombs reach profitability. In an unrelated note, we really loved Glickman's work as the Tall Man in the Phantasm movies (pic at left). [THR]
· Kenneth Branagh decides to steer his career into startlingly uncharted waters by directing an adaptation of Shakespeare's As You Like It. [Variety]
· Whoops! Look like we were wrong about all of the actors in Hollywood being used up for pilots. Donald Sutherland, Gina Gershon, George Wendt, and Roger Daltrey fill in some of the casting cracks. [THR]
· New Line buys the rights to the upcoming Chuck Klosterman book Killing Yourself to Live: 85% a True Story, in which the writer visits the sites of infamous rock-star demises. Let's see if they can get Philip Seymour Hoffman to play Klosterman. [Variety]
· A quick reminder of a controversy that had the country's panties in a painful bunch, but which now we can barely remember: The FCC rules that Nicolette Sheridan's Monday Night Football skit was not indecent. Which, we suppose, makes it decent. [THR]

As we mentioned yesterday, this week's New Yorker features Tad Friend's profile of William Morris president Dave Wirtschafter and his "unorthodox" approach to his job, (i.e., he's loathe to attend parties and schmooze client while hunting for new ones to poach). And not since social scientists locked two junior agents from CAA and WMA in a glass tank with a Polaroid of Tom Cruise and took notes until one chewed through the other's colon has there been such an in-depth study of the agenting arts. In fact, the profile is so tightly packed with nuggets that we're going to pull quotes from the piece all week and present them devoid of any kind of context. Like this:

According to People, Demi Moore's flack is already denying the pregnancy rumors: "Although having another child is something Demi would like to do, unfortunately she can't at this time say she is pregnant." That, dear readers, is about the weakest denial you will ever read. Better get to the Kabbalah Centre quickly, before they run out of blessed baby booties with one of God's 72 names on them. More interesting, however, is Ashton Kutcher's sleight of hand in deflecting the rumors by endorsing our pet theory about Mario Vazquez's mysterious American Idol exit:

It would be really easy to see these pictures of Nicole Richie having a quick tete-a-tete with a Porsche-driving pal in the middle of a curiously quiet street and have less-than-charitable thoughts about what's going on. There are many things Richie and her pal could be doing: discussing the Lakers game, commiserating about Paris Hilton's Sidekick disaster, trying to unravel the mysteries of Lost, whatever. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Now that Bob Iger is set to inherit the golden Mickey head that is the birthright of all Disney CEOs, he's been charged with a crucial task: begging Steve Jobs and his Pixar money-printing factory to continue their partnership with his company. Of course, Iger's going to play coy for a while:

Star magazine is reporting that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are going halfsies on a Kabbalah Bastard of Light™. The report says that she's eight weeks pregnant, but won't announce it officially until the third month—which leaves us with a good four weeks of half-hearted publicist denials. Since Star's report sounds like it might be the real deal this time (remember the other pregnancy rumors from back in June?), we really hope the flacks get creative this time. In fact, we'll even lend them a hand with a freebee. "The rumors that Demi is pregnant are completely unfounded. She's 42. Additionally, Ashton lacks the male reproductive system necessary to inseminate Demi; if you pull down his pants, he's smooth like a Ken doll."

· Everyone's naked! Come on, we've all seen Sharon Stone's breasts before. But not Sheryl Crow's. [Both links NSFW]
· Now starring: every actor in Hollywood as...Woody Allen!
· The NYT's Sharon Waxman digs through Tim Burton's Totally Unauthorized Garage Sale and finds...well, mostly the kind of crap you'd find at a garage sale. Predictably, some of the crap is starting to surface on eBay.
· Today's scary thought: Musclebound versions of Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx will soon be unleashed on Miami's unsuspecting nightclubs. We suggest all clubbing women in the area start carrying tasers. [third item]

There's a good reason that we waited this long before noting that American Idol fan favorite Mario Vazquez has taken himself out of the World's Biggest Karaoke Contest: We've got it all figured out! We've spent all day scouring the web, and could not find one shred of conclusive proof that Vazquez is not, in fact, That 70s Show star/Hollywood clubbing staple Wilmer Valderrama. It looks like some programming executive from Fox finally started asking too many questions, and Vazquez/Fez had to quickly disappear himself, abandoning his devious plan to add notches on his belt for every female Idol contestant (it's been weeks, he must've been nearing the end anyway) before his ruse was exposed. Left unchecked, who knows how many other Fox cast members "Vazquez" would have despoiled? He probably would've found a way to get into Lisa Simpson's dress, if given the time.

· The Brentwood Presbyterian Church hosts a free screening of Before Sunset—well, it's free if you don't feel guilted into attending the post-show theological discussion. Nothing's ever really free in this town, is it?
· Beyond Blonde: Swedish Lifestyle Month 2005 kicks off at the Pacific Design Center. We decided somewhere between "Blonde" and "Swedish Lifestyle" that we're going, we don't care what the specifics are.
· If we weren't wearing a dirty wife-beater and holey boxers right now, we'd probably be a little more aware of the Fashion Week activities going on all around us. Tonight, Gen Art presents The New Garde at MOCA.

In this week's New Yorker, Tad Friend submerges himself in the William Morris shark tank to profile president Dave Wirtschafter, "exemplar of a new breed of Hollywood agent." The magazine's website features a Q & A where Friend discusses his harrowing journey amongst the bloodthirsty tenpercenters with writer Ben Greenman. Here, Friend breaks down the time-honored poaching ritual:

Despite initial appearances and a bedeviling name, the Blue Tights Adventure Network is not a gay dating website. Still, Superman director Bryan Singer takes an interest and sends in some video from Sydney, featuring the superhero auteur himself fixing his hair, talking about his interests, and men flying around in harnesses. How clever of him to send a video that can easily be repurposed for that other kind of site!

Gawker Media Empire mid-level manager Lockhart Steele is trench-blogging from SXSW in Austin, where the winners of the 2005 Bloggies were just announced. And we're proud to note that Defamer won Bloggies for Best Entertainment Weblog and Best New Weblog. Thanks to everyone that voted for us, and despite the fact that you've all made a terrible mistake and overlooked some other very fine blogs, those promised three-picture deals and hooker coupons are in the e-mail.

The press has been following breathlessly all of the post-Oscar comings and goings of everyone's favorite up-from-Camaros-on-blocks, two-time winner Hilary Swank: her victory meal, her vacation plans, and now, her fruit-smuggling and subsequent protest of fruit-smuggling fines. All of this attention has resulted in a wave of SwankLash which has become so pervasive that even Katie Couric is taking shots at her on the Today Show. Notes a reader:

· Hey, did you hear? Bob Iger's taking over Disney! Also, Eisner will step down in September, a year ahead of schedule, but his secret control will linger indefinitely. [Variety]
· Also: Bob Iger takes over Disney; Eisner will step down early. [THR]
· Hilary Swank celebrates her Oscar win by signing up to star in The Reaping for Dark Castle, Joel Silver and Robert Zemeckis' schlockhouse horror flick production company (Gothika, Ghost Ship, 13 Ghosts, The House on Haunted Hill and House of Wax). The whereabouts of Swank's agent and manager are unknown; presumably, her decision-making team has fallen down a well. [Variety]
· The networks have finally run out of actors for pilots, as Peter "Jennie Garth's husband" Facinelli has been cast in ABC's Westside. [THR]
· Universal gives Antoine Fuqua's American Gangster sloppy seconds to Hotel Rwanda's Terry George. [Variety]
· Desperate for some hint of what the fuck is going on in the show, superfans camp out in front of the DGA for Lost night at the Paley Television Festival. [THR]