· Is it possible to sully a legacy that includes the video for "Home Sweet Home"? Find out tonight as the reconstituted Mötley Crüe exercise their umlauts at the Forum. If wistful Aqua Net memories aren't for you, Canadian sensation Stars play the Troubadour with Louis the XIV.
· Outfest's 25th Anniversary Screening presents the Dolly Parton classic 9 to 5 at the Egyptian. Afterwards, whoop it up like the crazy gals in the movie's all-star cast at the post-screening open bar reception.
· Suze Orman scolds us for our horrible spending habits as she discusses her new book, The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous & Broke, at the Pasadena Public Library. When our parents lecture us about money, we just hang up.

Earlier this afternoon, David Cross, troublemaking comedian and star of imperiled, perpetually-in-limbo Fox sitcom Arrested Development, was kind enough to participate in an IMterview with us. We'd like to imagine that Cross was curled up on a velvet sofa with his PowerBook, a hot cup of cocoa, and the Daisy Dukes he's made famous on AD as we discussed the implications of Gail Berman's exit from Fox, people and things that his AD castmates may or may not be having sex with, and other hotbutton topics of current interest.

Judging from the screaming Breaking Story! tag in a bright, red font, the e-mail blasts, and the messages from readers who don't read the trades online asking if there's any truth to the Newmarket "rumor." we're going to guess that this development is pretty important. But until you give us a Lohan angle, we refuse to care.

The world has cinched its metaphorical feeding tube while waiting for some of Hollywood's biggest sitcom stars to weigh in on the Terri Schiavo debate. Finally, Everybody Loves Raymond star Patricia Heaton has broken her silence on the issue, as she's issued a statement on the Feminists For Life website:

Thanks to the anonymous operative who sent us this camera-phone documentation of the Hot Dog on a Stick giveaway currently under way on the Fox lot. Remember, Fox employees, it's considered impolite to wonder how many episodes it's going to take for the ingeniously co-branded show Life on a Stick to get canceled while enjoying your free deep-fried treat.

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com and let the world know that America's Current Sweetheart eats doughnut holes.

· Fox "flummoxed" over Gail Berman's exit, and now the network needs to figure out who to plug in as a replacement. FX's Peter Liguori, 20th Century Fox TV president Dana Walden, and a cast of thousands from Fox's many inscrutably named divisions are under consideration. [Variety]
· "No shit?!" news analysis: Berman's jumping ship comes at an inopportune time for Fox. [THR]
· ABC wants to horn in on NBC's monopoly on bad remakes of British TV hits by bastardizing the UK's celebrity ballroom dancing show Strictly Come Dancing. [Variety]
· Looks like P. Diddy's not getting the top Fox job, as his Bad Boy Entertainment signs with MTV for a TV producing deal. [THR]
· 90210 survivor Brian Austin Green will co-star in Freddie Prinze Jr's ABC comedy pilot. Should the series ever go to air, the network may find it necessary to distribute welder's masks to protect the project's star power from blinding viewers. [THR]

As if it hadn't been painful enough to lose their fearless leader in the midst of pilot season, the Fox braintrust has chosen to taunt their remaining employees with a painful reminder of the ritualistic humiliation represented by each airing of Life on a Stick, which premieres tonight. On the bright side: Free meat-byproducts-on-a-skewer and lemonade!

The internet once again yields one of its ephemeral, ripped-from-the-headlines entertainments, as the I'm Stuck in Rehab With Pat O'Brien blog is born.

While we all await breathlessly the official announcement that Gail Berman has left Fox to be Brad Grey's number two at the New Paramount™, the NYT finds a film executive who isn't impressed by the TV bonafides of Grey, Berman, and Viacom co-president/cheerleader Tom Freston:

Fox hasn't even pried Gail Berman's nameplate off her office door and already the network is falling apart. Last night, American Idol aired on the east coast with the wrong telephone numbers for three of the contestants, leading to a voting snafu unprecedented in the history of this country. Imagine a world in which a vote for precocious Mikalah Gordon is misdirected to boy-band/My Boy Sherman wannabe Anthony Federov? We know, right? Fox's plans for a re-vote during tonight's show and to push back the elimination show until Thursday just aren't going to cut it; a mass suicide is the only acceptable corrective. You go first, and we'll meet everybody in hell—where, of course, we'll be serenaded for eternity by the infernal chorus of William Hung and Clay Aiken.

A couple of days after The Insider host/voicemail sexy-talker Pat O'Brien's fortuitously timed "trip to rehab," the gossip sheets have dug up some interesting, if violently stomach-turning, tidbits:

Want a fascinating, up-to-the-minute update on Gail Berman's imminent move from Fox to Paramount? Of course you do! This is the e-mail that was circulated internally at Paramount, urging their employees not to break out in a spontaneous ticker-tape parade in front of the Sherry Lansing Theater in anticipation of Berman's elaborate coronation ceremony. Right. But we understand if they're not yet ready to announce the big move; it takes time to carve the plaque with her name on it out of an assistant's bones, and they want everything to be just right:

Wow, somebody at Craiglist is really moving at the speed of light, posting this listing for the job very recently vacated by Gail Berman. This is pretty great, so we're just going to get out of the way and let you enjoy:

It's a little unusual to see The Agent Dance official mascot Ari Emanuel's face on two different posts in a single day, but word around the agent bloodcooler is that Angelina Jolie has signed with CAA. There is no truth to the rumor (which we just invented right now) that Jolie signed with William Morris for five minutes, dumped them in disgust over Dave Wirtschafter's failure to mention her in his New Yorker profile, then signed with the new agency.

· Bloc Party, the Next Big Thing in indie rock, and who you very may well be sick of within three weeks, plays the Troubadour tonight to celebrate the release of their new album. And if you're not already on the backlash bandwagon, you can catch Maximo Park play the Bloc Party after-party at Cinespace.
· The Annie Leibovitz “American Music” exhibition opened last week at the Fahkey/Klein gallery and continues until April 23rd. You've missed your shot at rushing the place when the doors opened, but those people are poseurs anyway. Way to play it cool!
· You've only got a few more days to catch Sandra Bernhard performing Everything Bad & Beautiful at The Silent Movie Theater. It's now or never, people, or this show, like much of your life, has passed you by. We're totally staying in to watch American Idol, but still.

Today's LAT's piece on the challenges facing performing chimps confirms a theory that we'd long held: Celebrities and monkeys aren't really all that different after all. Consider the parallels: Chimps of a mature age have a hard time finding work, their jobs are increasingly threatened by improvements in computer graphics, and once in a while, they go nuts and kill people. (Though, we must admit, with a far lower success rate for escaping punishment, but much of that difference can be written off to a star's superior ability to obtain good legal counsel.) Look for the E! network to suddenly switch to an all-chimp format in the next month or so, with a vast increase in quality of programming. And if they can figure out a way to bleach one safely, that guy on the Michael Jackson trial reenactment show could be out of a job as early as tomorrow.

In an Brian Williams NBC News piece examining the intersection of religion and Hollywood, That 70s Show writer Dean Batali outs himself as Christian, setting himself up for a joint hit by the heathen forces of the Gay Mafia and the Jews That Run This Town:

THR and Variety are reporting that Fox entertainment head Gail Berman has dumped Rupert Murdoch's slice of television heaven for a movie job ("the top creative post") underneath Brad Grey at the New Paramount™.

We love a good dick joke as much as the next guy, but the folks over at E! Online must've soiled themselves after they recovered from the fainting spell induced by the overwhelming possibilities for pun and double-entendre that the David Spade SNL Penis Nose story provided. In addition to the "cocky" quip in the title, the writer also "slipped in" (obvious coitus reference ours) that the "producers decided to let it all hang out" for this "relatively ballsy move," and that "several sharp-eyed members" (thought you slipped that one past us?) on a SNL message board noticed the schnoz/schlong hybrid on Spade's face. Other synonyms from the Big Book of Dick Names in play: "member," "organ," "penile implant," and "appendage."