While we never expected Kid Nation's pioneers to succumb to the siren song of virgin sasparilla this quickly, it was inevitable that residents of CBS Bonanza City would eventually turn to drink to blunt the pain of their workaday lives; after all, there are only so many filthy, overflowing outhouses a ten-year-old can scrub before she needs a little help forgetting she's trapped in the Laborer class for at least another week.
Remember Bearforce1, the world's first all-bear Dutch synth-disco boi-band? Of course you do! Well, they're in New York for their big American appearances, and our Rod Townsend and Nick McGlynn sat down with the bears last night for an EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW (as they say in the tabloids) that includes a live a cappella performance from the band.
Whether or not Leave Britney Alone Guy's reality TV show ever finds its way onto a basic cable network schedule, his impact on our culture has been profound. In this post-LBAG world, people now realize that the appearance of a video camera represents their own shot at Spears-derived fame and fortune, even if the That Wasn't Right What You Said About Britney Spears' Kids 'Cause They Were Not Bastards She Was Married To That Man Gal project they're pitching is probably too close to the one already in development to merit serious consideration.
Julia Allison, the notorious nobody who clings to Gawker like a barnacle ... I mean, a Facebook application developer to the red-hot social network, has discovered that Google is not all it's cracked up to be. First of all, the hygiene in the Google New York cafeteria? Not so good. And Google Husband Finder? Not even in beta yet.
With a controversy-shy ABC having retooled all of the potentially inflammatory, racial-allegory material out of the version of Cavemen that finally debuted last night, the show was forced to generate edgy laughs by having its put-upon Neanderthals participate in activities for which primitive Man would seem hilariously ill-suited, like selling futons at a fictionalized Ikea, participating in a round of Wii golf following a shopping spree, and playing squash in country club-quality outfits that would cause them to surrender whatever small amount of cave-cred they had left. We'll let you be the judge of how effective they were in the squash scene, but we'll admit that by the fifth or so time we had to listen to the Andy and Joel characters whine about their relationships, we thought we were just watching a version of Tell Me You Love Me with more unsightly body hair and less fucking.
If, like me, you've been rooting for filthy-rich dotcom entrepreneur Mark Cuban, then take heart: The grace-challenged terpsichorean has made it to the next round on ABC's "Dancing with the Stars." But he may not have won new fans with his moment of exultation: Wearing an ubergay sleeveless shirt, he pumped his arms straight up in the air, exposing his hairy, sweaty armpits. Then again, maybe you're into that kind of thing.
At something called the Fox Reality Channel Really Awards last night, grandmother-exploiting Survivor villain Johnny Fairplay and unkillable Breaking Bonaduce star Danny Bonaduce engaged in a reportedly very one-sided physical altercation on stage, in which Fairplay suffered some lost teeth and a broken toe after being body-slammed by his better-muscled antagonist. (Bonaduce claims the tooth-shattering piledriver was administered in self-defense.) While we haven't seen any leaked footage from the awards ceremony emerge yet—please, Fox Reality Channel, get to YouTubing—TMZ did manage to capture some of the fight's aftermath, where an artful shot of a discarded, bloody tissue hints at the carnage that took place inside.
Last night's "CSI: Miami" featured, alongside the "block of wood" acting stylings of David Caruso, a major plot point centered around something called "StalkWalker," which may remind you of our very own Gawker Stalker! This is actually Gawker Stalker's second appearance on a "CSI" franchise—this, if you're scoring at home, means it only needs to feature on the Las Vegas iteration of that show to tie My Cock for appearances. My Cock has been on all three "Law & Order" series in various guises (our particular favorite was the "Criminal Intent" episode where a character craftily-named "My Dick" almost stabbed Annabella Sciorra to death). Anyway, enjoy!
Even though the network might not want critics to have advance access to its retooled Cavemen premiere (weirdly, as we typed those words, we could've sworn we heard Peter Krause whispering from the sidebar, "The comedy that has everyone talking debuts at 8 p.m. tonight , only on ABC"), they realize the importance of making sure that awareness of the show is high among audiences who expect intellectual engagement from their television programming.
"I may be a simple boy from Brooklyn," Dan declared to Serena on last week's episode of New York docudrama Gossip Girls, while they were fighting about the insurmountable obstacles that keep them apart (among them: she did it once with another guy!). Was this an accurate portrayal of Upper East Side-Williamsburg love, though? Is such a thing even possible? Video slave Alex Goldberg and I hung out on the bench outside Earwax yesterday, finding out.
Internet billionaire and Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban takes the stage again on ABC's "Dancing with the Stars." As I watched this, I had three thoughts: "Wow, that outfit is gay, even for 'Dancing with the Stars'"; "Mark Cuban is a really good bad dancer"; and "Those are not spirit fingers! These are spirit fingers!" Still, Cuban is the geekiest contestant on the show this season, so give him a little love, won't you?
Guys! GUYS! Totes such hotness on "The Hills" last night! The gang all went out to Las Vegas to surprise Brody for his birthday and Lauren FULLY KISSED HIM? I think they may be getting back together! How great is that!? Lauren so deserves love!?! Meanwhile, Audrina TOTALLY THREW A BITCH FIT at her friends and some guy who is only wearing a towel because she thinks the rest of the girls are all, Don't date Justin Ricky Lee Harvey John Wayne Bobby, but you know what? They were just trying to be friendly to him. And also?!?
· Earlier today, guest Oprah genitorturer Dr. Oz demonstrated the proper technique for ball-busting. There's a good chance you're not going to watch this one if you've eaten recently.
· Paula Abdul says she's ready for a baby, even if that means adopting. Unfortunately, the interview was conducted before Britney Spears' children hit the market, so no one got to ask if she'd be willing to provide a good home for a pair of Malibu refugees.
· Stallone intimates that the real-life atrocities he witnessed in Myanmar are even more disturbing than the ones you'll soon be able to see in John Rambo.
· Right about now you probably need some unicorns to make the icky feelings from the preceding links go away.
Email startup Xobni ("inbox" spelled backwards) has released a short film aimed at recruiting new engineers to join their team. Filmed with a clear nod towards Reservoir Dogs and Office Space, the clip includes an efficient German manager, gratuitous toilet humor (the bathroom stall is labeled "Outbox"), an Indian-accented sock puppet, and an appearance by Y Combinator guru Paul Graham, who bought the cameo, in a sense, by providing Xobni's seed round.
On last night's Sunset Tan, the unthinkable occurred: the Olly Girls, whose airheaded misadventures in artificial pigmentation are responsible for the most compelling half-hour of tanning-related reality television on basic cable, were let go in a boardroom dismissal ceremony that would make even the heartless Donald wince from its cruelty.
Comedienne Kathy Griffin describes her post-Emmy Awards date with Apple cofounder Steve Wozniak: "He downloaded my private parts."
