America's boyfriend, CNN newsman Anderson Cooper, appeared on "The View" today. He discovered what so many of us have found—that you really just get caught up in the spirit of the place when you're hanging with the gals! Although? We're not yet ruling out that he's a master of sarcasm.

From the tone of his blog post yesterday, I was prepared to see Internet entrepreneur Mark Cuban fall down on the dance floor, writhing in pain as his career on ABC's "Dancing with the Stars" went up in flame. Instead, the Web's ultimate good-time Charlie kept jazz-handing his way through the number, smiling all the while. Was he hopped up on hardcore pain medication endorphins or what? Still, a lesson for every startup founder: Set expectations low, and then exceed them.

The offense: On September 25th, we posted an ad for our book. That ad featured a recreation of the infamous L. Ron Hubbard exploding Dianetics volcano, because, um, why not? And then we heard that T.V.'s Stephen Colbert, host of the alleged news show "The Colbert Report," went to the pop culture mines for the very same imagery to promote his own alleged book, as seen in the clip above. That bastard! I guess I'm supposed to challenge him to a greased-up round of Greco-Roman wrestling? What would Bill O'Reilly do?

As compellingly pointed out by Inside Edition last night, the streets of her beloved Los Angeles have become increasingly perilous for embattled, part-time mother Britney Spears, as the Starbucks runs and sushi lunches she once scheduled with the major paparazzi agencies without incident have now devolved into full-blown riots where upset citizens launch espresso-enriched Molotov cocktails at the pop star and her unwelcome shutterbug entourage.

· Earlier today, Tyra invited a focus group on the show to watch some porn, an exercise that had predictably explosive results. Perhaps things would have been more cordial had she warmed them up with an episode of Tell Me You Love Me.
· We always thought the Giant Earth Anus would be discovered in an alley behind a Sunset Blvd. club, but we suppose we were mistaken.
· Sean Astin calls the prospect of a long-awaited Goonies sequel an "absolute certainty," reviving hope that co-star Corey Feldman might once again draw a non-reality-TV-related paycheck in Hollywood.
· Unfortunately for Tom Colicchio (and fortunately for Gordon Ramsay), Michelin stars are not awarded according to the quality of one's cooking-competition show.

• THE FIFTY BEST BREASTS IN MOVIE HISTORY [FilmThreat]

When 75-year-old Elizabeth Taylor, married eight times to seven men, was asked in this clip from The Soup if she thought she might make it to nine before she died, the resulting squawk was instantly reminiscent of her announcement of "Glaaaaadiator!" as the 2001 Golden Globe winner for best picture.

Why is Apple's advertising so successful? Because, one could argue, it doesn't let its engineers design its advertising. Apple is running new iPhone ads which apparently puzzle nerdly sorts like TechCrunch editor Michael Arrington. The ads feature "regular people" talking about how their lives have been improved by the iPhone. Of the three ads, the phone itself makes just one two-second appearance, when a businessman touts its "visual voicemail" feature. The rest of the time, it's just some guy telling a story about how the iPhone makes his life better. Arrington doesn't like the ads, asking "where's the phone?" Michael, don't quit your day job. These ads are brilliant. After the jump, an analysis of why — and a clip so you can judge for yourself.

This weekend, not a moment too soon, "Saturday Night Live" presented the 2007 Douchebag Awards (fake-sponsored by Cigar Aficionado magazine, naturally). Have you noticed the rash of the use of the word "douchebag" on T.V. these last couple weeks? On "30 Rock" and even on "Bionic Woman"? It'll be the official word of the fall season, once it makes its way to "Kid Nation" and "Meerkat Manor."

People reports that Lindsay Lohan's journey at Cirque Lodge has drawn to a close, the I Know Who Killed Me star having been photographed checking out of the Utah detox facility earlier today. Accompanying her was newly reconciled father Michael Lohan, dutifully helping to load several suitcases full of cokeless apparel into an awaiting vehicle.

Our video bots Nick and Richard Blakeley lurked in the stairwell of Nick Denton's apartment building, asking departing guests what they thought of the party last night for "The Gawker Guide To Conquering All Media," which is changing the face of literature. Hampton Style editor Deb Schoeneman thought up a great joke about how it was "better than Cats." But own-minds power couple Jakulia Allodwick are "just glad it's over." The glare of the spotlight burns!

We've been so crazed over here that we forgot to update you on the most important show ever on television, Gossip Girls. Where to start? First of all, with the observation that it's amazing how the entire arc of human conflict and resolution can be crammed into less than an hour of television. Blair and Serena were best friends, now bitter enemies. Earlier in this episode, they got in a field hockey fight which was bad for their friendship but good for fans of upskirt shots. This scene represents what should have been Battle of Salamis with Blair as Themistocles. So Blair exposes Serena as the drug addict she is in front of the virginal ears of Ivy League reps. But, as it turns out, it's Serena's younger brother who is the patient at the Ostroff Center, not Serena. Thusly what should have been her greatest triumph is actually a calamity. Also, contrary to what the episode would have you believe, Journeys Back from the Brink of Addiction are college essay GOLD. Trust me, that's how I got into school.

TiVo, you see, has tapped Pay Per Post, the controversial startup that pays bloggers to shill for advertisers' products, to help boost a YouTube contest accompanying the campaign, The contest purportedly called on TiVo users to post video testimonials to TiVo. The problem is that their testimonials are fake, generated by TiVo's cash, not customers' passion. The move was revealed when Sarah Hendrix opted to disclose she was being paid through Pay Per Post for her video. TiVo, we thought, already had a substantial community of fanatically loyal users. One would think the contest's prize, a free TiVo HD and lifetime subscription, would be motivation enough. No matter what you think of Pay Per Post as an advertising platform, the fact that TiVo is employing them to gin up fake interest speaks loudly to the fall of the TiVo brand.

Now that we've gotten a look at the official video for Britney Spears' "Gimme More" being unleashed on the world today (all of those de facto "making of" clips documenting the conditions under which it was created really whetted our appetite for the finished product), we think we better understand what was going on in her disastrous™ VMAs performance: when Britney wandered that MTV stage like a tranquilized stripper, she was just trying to remember the moves presented to her in a five-minute crash course in gentleman's club choreography she largely ignored on the "Gimme More" shoot, becoming disoriented by the presence of background dancers and the vexing absence of a pole. In any event, enjoy the latest video evidence that Spears' career comeback is proceeding about as successfully as her family life.

· After what he did to Paris Hilton the other night, we were expecting David Letterman to lead off his Alec Baldwin interview with, "So, you had a little trouble with some voicemail or something a few months ago, eh?" Instead, we got a story about a boat. But we suppose the Hilton segment earned Letterman a night off.
· Chuck Zito generously offers to referee the theoretical, $5 million grudge match between Pam Anderson exes Kid Rock and Tommy Lee, or failing that, just beat the shit out of them both.
· Metromix divides the town into LC and Heidi-friendly zones, helping fans of The Hills stay on turf where they'll feel safe.
· We always knew that tramp Chairy was going to wind up on the street. All Pee Wee's bitches do.
· Here's hoping the proprietor of the Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians blogspot doesn't give up before the premise is thoroughly exhausted. There are still some places to take it, even after hitting Bruce Jenner.

Convicted fraudster Conrad Black is making the most of things while he remains free pending appeal: He recently filmed a segment for the Canadian humor program "The Rick Mercer Report." Black instructs viewers on how to "wax" maple leaves, which is apparently something they do for fun in Canada. The clip is actually pretty funny; this kind of dry, self-deprecating humor will serve Black well in the slammer.