LuAnn de Lesseps of Real Housewives fame—sorry, make that Countess LuAnn de Lesseps—just sold an etiquette book called Class With the Countess: How to Live With Elegance and Flair. She already has a website set up to promote it, though. And the"TV star" and "celebrity personality" is even kind enough to share a few bits of advice from her forthcoming book! Here's one to chew on: "Telling racial jokes—expressing prejudice about race, religion, nationality, politics is unattractive." Duly noted!

If you need a little pick-me-up on this bitterly cold, depressing day, this video of an awkward Ryan Seacrest trying to high-five a blind contestant on American Idol last night should do the trick. [Vulture]

Ian Schrager and Aby Rosen may have been willing to support Calvin Klein's plan to tear down his Southampton castle and build a more modern home on the site, but it seems their enthusiasm isn't shared by all of Calvin's neighbors on Meadow Lane. Bill Williams Jr., who recently retired as a partner at the white-shoe law firm of Sullivan & Cromwell, filed a letter of complaint with Southampton's Architectural Review Board in advance of a public hearing earlier this week. Williams' objection to Klein's proposal, however, doesn't have anything to do with any interest in preserving the gaudy castle. He just doesn't care for Calvin's taste.

A judge denied an appeal by federal prosecutors to revoke Bernie Madoff's bail and send him to jail pending trial. He should be back at 133 East 64th Street for afternoon tea. The judge did impose several new bail requirements, however: Madoff's possessions at each of his various homes around the world—not just his NYC apartment—will now be inventoried. Looks like a lucky federal employee is getting a free trip to St. Tropez! [Bloomberg]

• Bad news: Magazine ad pages were down 11% in 2008 and 17% in the fourth quarter. Good news: They now take up less room in your bag. [AdAge]
• New York magazine is cutting editors' salaries. [ATD]
• Both OK! and the Star are laying off staff. [Jossip]
• Obama is expected to tap Julius Genachowski as FCC chair. [B&C]
• MSNBC plans to broadcast the inauguration at Starbucks locations. [NYT]
• Literary agent David Vigliano has filed suit against Lenny Dykstra. [NYP]
• John Mayer is taping a new pilot for CBS. [People]
• American Idol's debut roped in more than 30 million viewers last night, but that's down 10 percent compared to last year's premiere. [Reuters]

It's a question we've pondered for ages: Who's the best competitive figure skater-turned-famous fashion designer, Vera Wang or Richie Rich? We may finally have an answer! Wang will be inducted into the U.S. Figure Skating Hall of Fame on January 23rd, although Richie can take some comfort in knowing the coveted honor is for Wang's "contribution to costume design," not because she, like, had better technique or anything. [WWD]

Did Bernie Madoff steal your life savings or bankrupt your non-profit organization? Are you Mort Zuckerman or Steven Spielberg? We're here to help! If you happen to be a gun enthusiast—or you enjoy the occasional game of darts—we've created a Bernie "silhouette" for you to use the next time you head to the range or bar. You'll be pleased to hear that it conforms to the National Rifle Association's official standards for indoor/outdoor target practice. (Well, except for Bernie's head, which was our doing and hopefully won't lead any gun-toting members of the NRA to come after us.) And you can use the little scorecard in the corner to track your performance! Your anger will dissipate in no time! Click here for a larger picture of the silhouette, although if you're planning to actually use this at a gun range, you'll need to download a lifesize version, which you can do right here. Oh, and if you don't have a firearm or a gun license but you'd still like to take a shot at Bernie, give the West Side Rifle & Pistol Range a call. For $65, they'll let you shoot off 50 rounds under the watchful eye of an instructor. And they allow you to bring your own targets, too!

Next week's inauguration has spawned a flood of Barack Obama-themed items, a collection of merchandise that the Times reports runs from the cheap and crappy ("I ♥ Obama classic thong undies" for $8.99) to the indescribable in a family newspaper ("Obama sex toys"). But there are plenty of overpriced and relatively stylish items to be had, too, like the official Runway to Change $70 tote bags by Diane von Furstenberg and Tory Burch, and T-shirts by Zac Posen, Rachel Roy, and Donna Karan, who tells WWD that her "Inspire Change" shirt was meant to function as "a communication tool that would connect people to inspire change," whatever that means. Alas, the one thing inauguration-goers could really use—Obama-themed earmuffs—don't seem to exist. We'll exercise faith in the capitalist system and assume that there's an entrepreneur somewhere waiting for a shipment to arrive from China any minute.

Bernie Madoff left his apartment a couple of minutes ago to head downtown to Manhattan federal court. (Unfortunately, the windows of his SUV were covered up, so the dozens of reporters freezing their butts off outside 133 East 64th Street, were once again denied a photo op.) He'll find out where he will be sleeping tonight when he faces a judge at 2:30pm.

Robert Jaffe helped steer millions of dollars into the hands of Bernie Madoff. Yesterday he was scheduled to meet with officials in Massachussetts as part of an investigation into Madoff's massive Ponzi scheme. Jaffe didn't show up, though: His lawyer claimed he was under the weather. So we'll go ahead and assume that the man seen leaving his Palm Beach house yesterday in a black Navigator was just his doctor making a house call. [NYSD, last item]

If you're looking for something to keep you occupied at work today, give C. Brian Smith's article about his regular visits to the White House a read. Smith, who became close to Barbara Bush at Yale, was a frequent guest of the Bushes during the early part of his administration. He also has the rare privilege of being able to say he's successfully carried pot into the West Wing, and has witnessed the President fart (although, in typical Bushian fashion, he deflected responsibility and blamed Barney the dog instead. [VF]

It's not at all surprising that New York's been rated the nation's fourth most caffeinated city—especially in light of new research which suggests that people who drink a lot of coffee are prone to delusions including hallucinations, hearing voices, and, best of all, sensing the presence of dead people. The highest caffeine consumption looked at in the study was 330 milligrams a day, which is contained in just one Grande cup of Starbucks drip coffee. So treat yourself to a couple of those today and you could forge a whole new career as the next John Edward.

Alarming news for society types who enjoy dressing up their dogs in elaborate outfits: Britain's animal welfare group, RSPCA, is threatening to take legal action against pet owners who "over-dress" their pooches in "restrictive clothing." Fortunately for Tinsley Mortimer, Cece Cord, and Ivana Trump, there's no such law on the books in New York yet. But if our fondness for all things British (Topshop, Agyness Deyn) is any indication, it may just be a matter of time! [Daily Mail]

• Philanthropist and Democratic fundraiser Fern Hurst has put her fifth-floor, 13-room co-op at 1060 Fifth Avenue (left) on the market. It can be yours for $24 million. [Cityfile, Warburg]
• Cristina de Heeren Noble, the daughter of Wanamaker department store heir Rodman de Heeren, has paid $15 million for a 6,255-square-foot penthouse apartment at 1200 Fifth Avenue. [Cityfile]
• Textile heiress/artist Bokara Legendre, who paid $8.1 million for an apartment at 1035 Fifth Avenue back in June, has sold her former residence at 935 Park for $3.625 million. [Cityfile]

Worst birthday ever: Embattled Citigroup CEO Vikram Pandit turns 52 today, although we're going to assume that whatever big party Swati Pandi had been planning is not going ahead as scheduled. Others celebrating: 60 Minutes' Andy Rooney is turning 90. Fox News anchor Shepard Smith is 45. The New York Times' Maureen Dowd is 57. Models Karen Elson and Angela Lindvall are both turning 30. Filmmaker Steven Soderbergh is 46. Cranky liberal Eric Alterman is 49. Venture capitalist (and babe magnet) Adam Dell is turning 39. Jason Bateman is 40. Dave Grohl is celebrating his 40th. LL Cool J is 41. Faye Dunaway is turning 68. And Ms. Kristin Cavallari is turning 22 today.

Stalking the Fashion Prey [Quite All Right]

• Citigroup announced yesterday that it would sell a majority stake in Smith Barney to Morgan Stanley, but more change is on the way: The bank is expected to dump two consumer finance units as well as its "private-label" credit card business, which means now your Save the Whales Mastercard is in jeopardy, too. [WSJ, NYT]
• Deutsche Bank reported a loss of $6.3 billion in the fourth quarter. [BN]
• HSBC may need $30 billion to stay afloat. [DB]
• Nortel Networks has filed for bankruptcy protection. [BN]
• Just in case it wasn't eminently clear by all the bad news above, today is expected to be a pretty bad day in the markets. [WSJ]
• Marcus Schrenker was caught last night, but there's a new financial exec to add to the fugitive list: Ex-UBS exec Raoul Weil is now a wanted man. [NYT]
• Bernie Madoff will be in court in person later today when a judge considers an appear from prosecutors who want to imprison Madoff pending trial. [BN]
• Robert Jaffe, the Madoff middleman who failed to show up to meet with regulators yesterday, says he missed the meeting because he's sick. [WSJ]
• More on Tim Geithner's little tax problem. [NYT]

• It's getting ugly between Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony: Star reports that the couple have gotten "physical" and there's been lots of "pushing and shoving," and Lopez has even gone running back to Diddy for help. [Star]
• Heiress Casey Johnson's new short hairdo? It's because she got into a vicious brawl with ex-girlfriend Courtenay Semel, who set Casey's hair on fire and beat her up so badly that she had to be hospitalized. [P6]
• Better not ask Beyonce to dog sit. Staffers at her label, Columbia Records, say she dropped off her shih tzu six months ago but has yet to come pick little Munchie up. [The Sun]

Few real estate brokers did better during the boom times than Paula Del Nunzio, the Brown Harris Stevens mega-agent who unloaded eight-figure townhouses to the likes of hedge funders Phil Falcone, Jim Chanos, and John Paulson and our fave Tblisi-born cabdriver-turned-real estate baron, Tamir Sapir. With New York's real estate market headed off a cliff, it's unlikely that Del Nunzio's record-setting deal—the sale of the Harkness Mansion to financier J. Christopher Flowers in 2006 for $53 million—will be surpassed any time soon. But is Flowers, who reportedly enjoys plays chess against himself, really happier than the rest of us because he gets to set up his chess board in a small corner of a magnificent 22,000-square-foot limestone mansion overlooking Central Park?

• Despite the rumors in recent weeks, Olivier Theyskens says he's staying at Nina Ricci. [WWD]
• Alexander Wang's new mentor is Diane von Furstenberg. [Vogue UK]
• More designers are looking to hold their Fashion Week shows off-site to save cash. [WWD]
• A gallery of celeb hairdos and don'ts. [Guardian]
• Pixie Geldof is following in her big sister's footsteps: She'll be modeling for Agent Provocateur. [Fashionista]
• Yet another depressing article about the state of retail. [NYT]
• Here's a tragic byproduct of the tough economic times in which we now find ourselves: It's getting harder to get approved for boob-job loans! [NYM]