You know we're in a deep recession when even billionaire financiers can't afford to pay for subscriptions to the Financial Times. In what will go down as one of the more bizarre (and unintentionally hilarious) lawsuits we've seen in quite some time, the newspaper filed a lawsuit against Steve Schwarzman's Blackstone Group on Wednesday for sharing an FT username and password instead of setting up separate accounts for its employees. Yes, an unknown "senior employee" at the colossal private equity firm "authorized the initiation and repeated renewal of an individual, personal subscription to FT.com" and then distributed the login details to company employees so they could all join in on the fun. (The court documents list the username as "theblackstonegroup" and the password as "blackstone," although FT says it has since "disabled the credentials to mitigate damages.")

• Several top brokers have reportedly visited Bernie and Ruth Madoff's penthouse at 133 East 64th Street to assess its value in anticipation of a sale. The four-bedroom, five-bathroom apartment could go for $8 million or so. [NYP]
• The Sloane Mansion has undergone a $10 million price cut. It's now listed with Paula Del Nunzio for $54 million. [NYO, BHS]
• Investor Amit Ben-Haim's penthouse at 15 CPW, which was listed at $80 million last year before it was taken off the market, is now sporting a much more modest $47.5 million price tag. [Real Estalker, Sotheby's]

Publicist (and new mom) Lizzie Grubman turns 38 today. Dick Cheney turns 68. Christian Bale is 35. Gene Hackman is 79. Wilmer Valderrama turns 29. Vanessa Redgrave is 72. Phil Collins is turning 58. Theater impresarios Harold Prince and Bernard Gersten are 81 and 86, respectively. NHL star Chris Simon is 37. Singer/songwriter Josh Kelley is 29. Weekend birthdays—including that of Andre Balazs—after the jump.

• Andrew Cuomo may demand the return of $4 billion in bonuses paid by Merrill Lynch just before it was acquired by Bank of America. [BN]
• U.S. GDP shrank 3.8% in the fourth quarter, the most since 1982. [BN, NYT]
• Two senators have introduced legislation to regulate hedge funds. [NYT]
• A handful of ex-Merrill execs were victims of Bernie Madoff. [WSJ]
• More layoffs at Morgan and Goldman are in the works. [Dealbreaker]
• A silver lining to the recession (at least for non-lawyers): Corporate firms are dropping rates and looking at "alternative billing practices." [NYT]
• "Private equity is not dead," says Henry Kravis. Glad to hear it! [DB]

Once a year, socialites are permitted to put on sneakers, venture into a sports bar on Second Avenue, order a plate of wings, and watch a big-screen television. Yes, Super Bowl Sunday is 48 hours away. But if you're a member of the social set and you're still a bit baffled by all the rules and terminology, VF.com has a helpful vocab list you can refer to. Remember: A block is not "the distance you have to walk on Park Avenue between 72nd and 73rd Streets." [Vanity Fair]

• Martha Stewart is so distraught over the death of her chow chow and her break-up with Charles Simonyi that she's been adopting cats left and right (and throwing them parties, too). Or at least that's what the National Enquirer says. [NE]
• Brooke Shields says the Lipstick Jungle stage manager who stole props from the set swiped cash from her wallet, too. [NYDN]
• Amy Winehouse's house in London was robbed yesterday. [People, The Sun]
• Kimora Lee Simmons and Russell Simmons have finalized their divorce. Good thing, too, since she's pregnant with Djimon Hounsou's baby. [Us]
• Kanye West employs a resident "shoekeeper" to keep track of his 450 pairs of shoes, which is what you'd do, too, if you were Kanye West. [The Sun]

He might be the worst person in the world, but we don't actually recommend physically assaulting disgraced Lehman CEO Dick Fuld. But Bill O'Reilly is ready to pummel him—and it appears to be personal, too. The Fox News blowhard says he lost a bundle as a Lehman shareholder, and he'd now like to "know where [Fuld] lives so I can go beat him up." (The clip is above.) We'll help you out just this once, Bill. It's 37.4 miles from your house in Manhasset to Dick's home in Greenwich and it'll take you about 54 minutes. Here are the driving directions.

• The star at Jean Paul Gaultier's couture show in Paris this week? Inès de la Fressange, a 51-year-old model and mother of two. [WSJ, SF]
• After six seasons away from Bryant Park, Narciso Rodriguez is returning to the tents this season. [WWD]
• Betsey Johnson says she plans to revive some of her old designs as part of a new line. [Pipeline]
• Sales of luxury goods are expected to fall 3% and 7% this year. [WSJ]
• Five trends from couture week in Paris to keep an eye on. [Pipeline]
• LVMH has confirmed it's helping out Gareth Pugh. [Vogue UK]
• The lookbook for Isaac Mizrahi's Liz Claiborne collection is online. [Racked]
• Fabien Baron is leaving Interview. [WWD]
• A pair of Sarah Palin's shoes sold on Ebay for $2,025. No joke. [NYM]

More layoffs in medialand: Page Six Magazine is now planning to go quarterly and 23 staffers have been laid off. Over at OK!, Kent Brownridge is out as general manager, and Sarah Ivens will take over as editor until a permanent replacement is found. [Gawker, Mediaweek]

• Ago partners Robert De Niro, Richard Born and Ira Drukier have tapped Andrew Carmellini as chef; Ken Friedman is the design consultant. [NYT]
• Is Justin Timberlake opening a Southern Hospitality in Chelsea? [GS]
• Peasant in Nolita finally has menus in English. [Eater]
• Martha Stewart went to Momofuku Milk Bar on her show today. [EMD]
• Scores may be gone, but you can still pick up bottles of the former strip club's private-label blanc de blancs. Perhaps you wanted a keepsake? [GS]
• Many places are extending their Restaurant Week menus. Here's a list. [W&D]

Ellen Barkin has found a wonderful way to bridge the gap between the drama she's experienced in real-life and the sort that usually gets cooked up by unimaginative writers in a conference room in Hollywood. The most recent ex-wife of Ron Perelman has signed with HBO to both star in and executive produce her first TV series. What's it about? The as-yet-untitled drama revolves around a woman in her early 50s who is "famous for her high-profile marriage," but who "divorces and re-enters the singles market and finds herself developing a close, platonic bond with the 24-year-old son of her ex-husband." Sounds fabulous, although we're guessing Perelman's (slightly older) sons, Steven and Josh, may be wondering how they got dragged into it. [Variety]

Cecil Suwal, the woman who helped coordinate "dates" between Eliot Spitzer and Ashley Dupre as an employee of the Emperors Club VIP escort service, has been sentenced to six months in prison. [NYP]

Former MTV exec Christina Norman has been tapped by Oprah Winfrey to run her new cable network, OWN, but it turns out Norman wasn't the daytime queen's first choice. Fortune reports that honor goes to Tom Freston, who first got a call from Oprah while vacationing in Burma in 2006 but turned down offers to run both Harpo and OWN. No matter. Oprah has since hired Tom as a consultant since he happens to be her "business soul mate." Nice to know the fact that Kathy Freston's 21-day "cleansing diet" didn't end up doing Oprah much good hasn't diminished her opinion of the Frestons! [Fortune]

Bernie Madoff isn't so happy he's being forced to spend his days and nights confined to his $7 million Upper East Side co-op. "I'm a prisoner in my own house!" Madoff reportedly told a friend. "I can't go anywhere! I'm stuck here all day!" Apparently Bernie is particularly annoyed that "he can't even go outside just to go to the corner, or get something to eat." That's what Chinese delivery is for, silly! But as soon as we figure out how to bottle fresh air, we'll be sure to send that over and see if we have better luck this time. [NYP]

New York's cover story this week takes a look at Caroline Kennedy's disastrous foray into politics, and provides some excellent insight into what derailed her quasi-campaign for governor. What may be more striking, though, is the cover of the magazine, which features a black and white photo of Caroline with a red tear that appears to have been hastily drawn on top of the picture. Seem a bit familiar? Indeed it does!

• ABC is reportedly thinking about giving Jimmy Kimmel the Nightline slot, putting him in competition with Conan when he takes over for Leno. [NYT]
• ABC News is cutting 35; Disney-ABC TV is dismissing 300. [TVN, THR]
• Congressional Quarterly is for sale. [WSJ]
• The Washington Post is dropping Book World as a Sunday section. [WP]
• AOL is laying off around 700 employees, or 10% of its work force. [WSJ]
• Ex-MTV prez Christina Norman will run Oprah's new TV network. [THR]

Jamie Dimon is falling apart! Okay, not really, but the Wall Street Journal's Heidi Moore was rightfully concerned by the sight of the JPMorgan CEO when he sat down with CNBC's Maria Bartiromo in Davos today. Dimon turned up "unshaven, with mussed hair and clad in a spare black pullover sweater," and sported a "slightly sleepy, groggy demeanor that indicated he may have just rolled out of bed." Keep in mind, though, that this is Maria Bartiromo he was talking to. Given her illustrious past, it isn't out of the realm of possibility that the two were still recovering from a late night out. [WSJ, CNBC]

Fashion Week Daily reports OK! editor in chief Susan Toepfer was dismissed today, just a few months after taking over for Sara Ivens at the second-rate tabloid weekly. A number of OK! staffers have been cut as well, although additional layoffs are expected in the coming days. [The Daily]

Julianne Moore carrying stuff in the West Village ... Hugh Jackman pushing his daughter on a swing at the park ... Uma Thurman leaving her townhouse in the Village ... Albert Hammond Jr. and Agyness Deyn walking on University Place ... Mariska Hargitay holding Chris Meloni's arm on the set of Law & Order ... Diane Kruger walking by herself in Tribeca ... Michael J. Fox sitting inside an SUV in Midtown ... and Jude Law walking with daughter Iris and son Rudy.

The financial crisis isn't just spoiling Dasha Zhukova's dreams of a lavish wedding. The girlfriend of billionaire Russian oligarch Roman Abramovich now has to contend with the fact that she may not be able to sunbathe aboard the world's largest yacht next summer. Abramovich is thinking about backing out of a deal to buy a $355 million boat named the Eclipse, which, if it's ever finished, would be the largest yacht ever constructed. (Abramovich had planned to equip the 530-foot vessel with three helipads and its own submarine.) One possible contingency plan? Drop Roman and get together with Ron Perelman. He's still going ahead with plans to build a giant, new boat and it will be finished this spring, just in time for the summer season. [Luxist]