Olivia Palermo is getting a little help from MTV as she tries to convince the world she isn't as horrible as you might think she is given her role as resident bitch on The Hills. Per the network's "official" TV blog: "With all the Olivia bashing that's been going on lately, we wanted to remind you that she has a totally separate life from what you see on The City. Not only is she way more casually dressed in person (we've spotted her in jeans and heard her cop to breaking out the spandex!) but she's also way more chill. And happier! And dating the hottest guy ever." Okay, sure, Johannes Huebl is nothing to sneeze at. But the hottest guy ever? Bold claim, MTV! But feel free to watch the video of Johannes flexing his abs in "nut-hugging briefs" so you can judge for yourself.

Maxim is covering the financial crisis the only way they know how: The new issue of the mag features a piece on the hottest business reporters on CNBC and Fox Business. ("Foxy financial reporters are fixing the recession in our laps," the story starts.) It's no surprise that they're taking that approach, of course, but to assign Maria Bartiromo a hotness level on par with Lou Dobbs? Ouch! Clearly the makeup department at CNBC has been pretty busy today touching up Maria's tear-stained cheeks. The charticle is below.

And you thought Washington was constitutionally unable to get anything done in a hurry. The House passed legislation this afternoon to recoup most of the $165 million in bonuses paid out to employees of AIG. The bill applies a 90 percent tax on bonuses given to executives who earn more than $250,000 and who work for companies that have received at least $5 billion in government aid.

• Former president George W. Bush has signed a deal with Crown to publish a memoir. Rumor has it he landed a $7 million advance for the book. [AP, NYP]
• For his part, Barack Obama has two books in the works with Crown. He plans to release an abridged, youth-oriented version of Dreams From My Father as well as write a nonfiction book once he leaves office. [CBS News]
• CNBC's keeping it classy. Larry Kudlow set a dollar bill on fire today. [CJR]
• Jim Cramer is still rattling on about Jon Stewart. [Gawker]
• NBC is planning to launch a "singing competition series" that sounds a lot like—yes, you guessed it—Fox's American Idol. [THR]
• CBS is keeping Two and a Half Men on the air through 2012. [NYT]
• The finalists for the Man Booker International Prize include E. L. Doctorow, V. S. Naipaul, Joyce Carol Oates, Mario Vargas Llosa and Alice Munro. [NYT]
• The noms for the National Magazine Awards are out. [AdAge]
• The cable channel Starz would like to remind you that it exists. [NYT]
• How screwed is the newspaper biz? Here's a pic that sums it up nicely. [BI]

Kelly Ripa jogging in Central Park ... Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr walking their dog ... Danny DeVito filming scenes for his new movie, When In Rome ... Michelle Williams walking with Matilda in Brooklyn ... Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts pushing son Alexander in a stroller in the West Village ... Jay Mohr carrying his dog in Midtown ... Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian leaving Owl Lab on East 12th Street ... and Josh Duhamel getting out of a cab in front of his hotel.

Poor Donald. The posh tennis club above Grand Central Terminal that the Trumpster has been leasing for a song for three decades now—he pays just $4 a square foot and the rent has never been raised—isn't going to be around for much longer. Metro-North says it plans to tear the courts down to make way for a "rest area" for 1,100 conductors and train engineers. Blue-collar workers taking over a fancy tennis club owned by Donald Trump? We smell revolution! [NYDN via Curbed]

We're going to take a leap here and say that the wedding registry listed in Marc Jacobs and Lorenzo Martone's names is not, in fact, the real deal. Because while we're sure that both men do their fair share of shopping at JCPenney, we really don't see either of them being too interested in a $14.99 deviled egg plate or a set of cheap towels in coral. (Nor do we imagine they'd be so gauche as to schedule their wedding on Christmas Day.) But we could be wrong, in which case we hope they make the most out of the faux leather massage chair headed their way. [JCPenney]

In the treacherous and cut-throat playground of modern sexual politics, it's easy to imagine how one's morals could get slightly compromised, even to the extent of engaging in some light stalking. But given the technologically-savvy, post-privacy age we live in, is there really such a big difference between monitoring someone's Facebook status and secretly implanting a tracking device or hidden video camera in order to catch them cheating on you?

Millions of Americans are struggling on account of the crappy economy, but can we all take a minute to reflect on the especially difficult situation in which Marie Douglas-David now finds herself? The Swedish countess, former investment banker, and estranged wife of United Technologies chairman George David appeared in divorce court yesterday and started things off by asking a judge to toss out the $36 million postnup she signed, since that kind of chump change will "barely last her a decade," and it's not like she can go out and get another finance job or anything what with her husband's constant ridicule having "diminished her self-confidence." She's now asking for a larger cut of David's $300 million fortune, but maybe a new career for Douglas-David isn't out of the realm of possibility. David's lawyer said that the countess constantly subjected her husband to long lectures on "how he held his fork or how he drafted invitations." And isn't that how Martha Stewart got started? [NYP]

Just think of all the wonderful things that could have been purchased with the $165 million that AIG spent on employee bonuses instead. For starters: 4,538 elementary school teacher salaries; 8,250,000 pills of Ecstasy; 4,364 free rides to a state school; and 471,428 one-way tickets to China. [Jossip]

Bernie Madoff would still very much like to go home to his Upper East Side penthouse while he awaits sentencing. Lawyer Ira Sorkin pressed the case in front of a three-judge panel this morning and argued he wasn't a flight risk. Prosecutors begged to disagree, and the judges said they'd issue a ruling "in due course." So there's still a small sliver of hope, which should boost Bernie's spirits a bit today. [NYT]

You'll be relieved to hear that Dasha Zhukova, whose surprise appointment as editor-in-chief of Pop magazine triggered a bitchy wave of consternation across certain sections of the fashion world—because, you know, presiding over the compilation of pretty pictures is on a par with brain surgery—is not letting the haters deter her. She says she's cutting back on her involvement with fashion line Kova & T in order to focus on her new job, as well as on her Moscow gallery. "Garage and Pop magazine are my priorities," she told a journalist interviewing her about an exhibition of art owned by French billionaire Francois Pinault, opening today at Garage.

Did you hear about that little scandal over at AIG? Yea, well, someone's been stealing Vikram Pandit's copy of the Journal from his doorstep the past few mornings because Bloomberg just dropped the bombshell that Citigroup plans to spend "about $10 million" building out new offices for Pandit and his top lieutenants. According to affidavits filed with New York's Department of Buildings, the bank that has collected $45 billion from the U.S. government will spend at least $3.2 million constructing 17 offices. But when you account for the architect's fees—and add in the cost of furniture—"the tally for the offices at the bank's Park Avenue headquarters will be at least three times as high." But it sure sounds like it will be lovely: The plans "specify the installation of at least one Sub-Zero refrigerator and icemaker in the renovated space, along with 'premium grade' millwork and Madico Inc. 'Safety Shield 800' blast-proof window film." Too bad by the time construction work is done, Pandit will be out of a job.

• Good news for billionaire(?) Dan Loeb: His hedge fund may have seen better days, but he's $5.5 million richer now that he's successfully sold his carriage house at 7 MacDougal Alley to art gallery director Gordon Veneklasen. It's a tad less than the $7 million he was looking for back in October, but he still has that $45 million condo at 15 CPW, so you don't have to worry about Dan just yet. [Cityfile]
• So much for that rental at 40 Mercer: The Post now says the newly-engaged Marc Jacobs and Lorenzo Martone may have picked up a 4,500-square-foot spread in the Robert A.M. Stern-designed Superior Ink development for $13 million. [NYP]
• Bruce Wilcox, an exec at Cumberland Associates, has put the townhouse at 125 East 62nd Street he bought for $8.5 million in 2005 on the market for $9.45 million. [Cityfile, Sotheby's]

Harvey Weinstein turns 57 today. Tribeca Film Festival co-founder Craig Hatkoff is turning 55. Glenn Close is 62. Bruce Willis is 54. Estée Lauder chairman Leonard Lauder is turning 76. Times managing editor Jill Abramson is 55. Author Philip Roth turns 76. Financier Stephen Friedman is 71. Former Bond girl Ursula Andress is 73. SNL writer Jorma Taccone is 32. And the Pointer Sisters' Ruth Pointer turns 63 today.

• Not such good news for Kanye West: He was charged with misdemeanor battery, grand theft and vandalism yesterday in connection with the fight he had with a bunch of photographers at LAX back in September. He could face up to 2 1/2 years in jail if convicted, although that's highly unlikely. And since they're not felony charges, he isn't expected to appear in court when he's arraigned on April 14. [NYDN, LAT, AP]
• Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are supposedly planning a massive—but totally top-secret!—second wedding, just in time for their one-year anniversary in April. But please don't tell anyone. [In Touch]
• James Franco is having a hard time moving around the Columbia University campus now that so many of his fans have figured out his class schedule. [P6]
• John Mayer's rep says he is not writing a tell-all book about Jennifer Aniston, despite what you may have read in Star. [MSNBC]

• Andrew Cuomo has won the battle to force Bank of America to turn over the names of the 200 Merrill employees who earned the largest bonuses right before the firm was acquired. He says he'll release the info today. [CNN, NYT]
• As you can probably imagine, it's been "the worst week in a string of bad weeks" for Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner. [NYT]
• Of course, it's also been a pretty lousy few days for AIG chief Ed Liddy, who walked into this big mess when he took the top job last September. [NYT]
• A record number of hedge funds were forced to close up shop last year: About 1,471 hedge funds were liquidated in 2008. [NYP, DB]
• The Fed plans to buy $300 billion of long-term Treasuries and hundreds of billions of dollars more in mortgage-backed securities. [BN, WSJ]
• JPMorgan reports the bank's CEO, Jamie Dimon, earned about $19.7 million in total compensation for 2008. And how did you do last year? [Reuters]
• Citigroup has canceled its order to buy three new jets. [Dealbreaker]

The merry pranksters from Improv Everywhere have posted their latest "mission" online. They set up an art gallery opening at the 23rd Street subway station, had tuxedoed waiters hand out drinks, recruited a cellist to perform, and put little signs next to the fixtures thereby "transforming them into works of art." Video of the group's antics is below.

• The premiere of the new Valentino documentary last night attracted the likes of Gwyneth Paltrow, Claire Danes, Madonna, and Anne Hathaway, although the big topic of discussion was the designer's collection of pugs—Milton, Monty, Maude, Margot, Maggie, and Molly. [WWD, BB, SW]
• So, like, what's the deal with Valentino's tan? Don't ask Matt Tyrnauer, who followed the designer around for years to make the doc: "He does have that Mediterranean skin, but beyond that, I'm not sure." [NYM]
• Project Runway finalist Kenley Collins was arrested today for assaulting her fiance with their cat. We're not sure what means either. [NYP]
• CNN's profile of French Vogue's Carine Roitfeld is now online. [Fashionologie]

• The Smile, Carlos Quirarte and Matt Kliegman's café/boutique on Bond Street, officially opened its doors today. One rare luxury: Regulars get their own custom-made, engraved Laguiole cutlery to use whenever they visit. [GS]
• Donatella Arpaia and Michael Psilakis's Kefi doesn't get much love from Frank Bruni: A case of "palate mononucleosis" leaves it with one star. [NYT]
• Dovetail is looking to open a café and food cart in Central Park. [Eater]
• Both Bloomberg's Ryan Sutton and Time Out's Jay Cheshes visit La Fonda Del Sol and leave with mixed feelings. [Bloomberg, TONY]
• Poll: New Yorkers prefer BLT Steak to Peter Luger by 53% to 47%. [TFB]
• Not surprisingly, the job market for chefs isn't exactly booming. [NYT]
• Also not surprising: Low-end liquor is really popular right now. [NYP]
• Amy Ruth's in Harlem has filed for bankruptcy protection. [Crain's]
• JGV's Spice Market in Doha, Qatar is now open, just so you know. [Luxist]