Actually, we'd argue the kneepads. Most are willing to take a few bruises.

"In six months' time we'll be more relevant in the U.S. market place than Google."

Oh, Silicon Valley, it's so good to see you have ethics even lower than mine. A local journalist whispers to me:

Bill Gates went to a school way down in San Diego to tape a show with Oprah Winfrey. (Cheatsheet: Bill is the richer one, Oprah's the thinner one. Today, anyway.)

So Oracle "devoured" Siebel and "aggressively" "snapped up" HotSip. Now it "has MySQL by the throat." Why so harsh? Isn't Larry Ellison a caring, friendly guy with a caring, friendly company?

Rule 1 in snarky media coverage of Microsoft: Always symbolize money in the headline.

Yahoo makes a statement about Chinese censorship, sending news teams scrambling for more metaphorical file photos.

Okay, stop for a minute. There is a wrong to be righted. If blogs are supposed to be leading the New Media, can they pull one string regarding Google? With the censorship, FBI subpoenas, and overall creepy hugeness of Google, the "evil" thing is coming up a lot. But no one gets the phrase right.

With all the reverence paid to the roll-out of Vanity Fair's annual Hollywood issue, you'd expect that each subscriber would have his or her magazine delivered by a battalion of cherubim, an angelic cohort ready to blast triumphantly their celestial horns the moment one first unfurls the cover gatefold. This year's cover certainly delivers the accompanying flare of dazzling light, courtesy of the reflective properties of Scarlett Johansson's alabaster flesh, but with The Rack artfully obscured by an arm, no one will go blind from a long-awaited flash of her celebrated bosom. Much was made of Rachel McAdams' exit from the cover shoot, a conniption of modesty that resulted in Tom Ford, the special issue's art director, being inserted into her place. Only our imaginations can help us gauge the aesthetic impact of this distressing change; McAdam's presence would likely have elevated the cover to first-rate masturbatory material for the Hollywood obsessed. Instead, we get a pasty Johansson trying to ignore the well-dressed gay dude about to chew off Keira Knightley's earlobe. And if the cover hasn't already dampened your desire enough on its own, if you glance at it quickly, you could swear photographer Annie Leibovitz has perfectly captured the magic moment before Jeremy Piven moves a boozy three-way from the living room floor to the heart-shaped waterbed in the boudoir.

Is the Bay Guardian feeling threatened? Editor Tim Redmond challenged lovable geek Craig Newmark about opening Craigslist sites outside San Francisco.

Wired News editor Tony Long wins a bit of our love for calling out Steve Jobs' hero worshippers. He defends Leander Kahney's stinginess story and rips the cult of Jobs to pieces.

The New York Times profile of Yahoo CEO Terry Semel mentions everyone who's anyone in Yahoo: COO Dan Rosenzweig, Senior VP of Search Jeff Weiner, CTO Farzad Nazem, even CFO Susan Decker of "It's not our goal to be No. 1" fame.

January 24: Google launches Google.cn, a Chinese search page with censored results. Every tech media outlet raises a stink.

With all the profiles of Marissa Mayer in Business Week, Fast Company, and the Observer, which facts are getting the most attention? Here's a guide to media coverage of Google's mascot.

Oh, not another profile of Google VP Marissa Mayer. This time, the Observer reports on her morning-to-midnight work schedule.

The LAT sent a reporter into deep undercover duty for six hours of living among Sundance's swagwhores, during which he collected $11,326.89 worth of free goods—which, of course, the Times donated to charity. (We're sure the Make a Wish Foundation will find a good home for that Norelco Bodygroom "manscaping" razor.) An excerpt from the gifting suite adventure follows:

Saturday's LAT reported that KCRW DJ and bigshot feature film music supervisor Chris Douridas was arrested last Friday night on suspicion of shockingly creepy behavior:

· Take Werner Herzog, subtract an 800-lb bear, add a guy in a cheaply made bear costume...eh, we're not going to try and explain it. Just watch Grizzly Bear Man for yourself.
· "Publicists stroll down the carpet, a TV reporter in a clingy blue-gray gown plops on the curb reading a magazine. Across the street, three protestors wave signs urging Hollywood to repent, 'Heathens beware. Your guilt is real! You are going to go to HELL FIRE.'" Richard Rushfield endures the searing hellflame of the People's Choice Awards for the The Envelope's Kudos Crasher column.
· USA Today launches its O-Factor blog, which is either about the Oscars or about achieving a better understanding of the female orgasm, we're not yet sure which.
· Hey, yo, K-Fed don't carr about wurther or not ya likes him. Word.
· Getting pregnant to take advantage of the carpool lane sounds like a great idea, but doesn't hold up in court.

This is — how do you say? — a big fucking fuck-up. And for once, it's not even the Times' fault.

Click to enlarge.