• As if Valentine's Day weren't depressing enough, Nicole Richie will drag her lifeless limbs all over New York, distributing free samples of Dr. Pepper. Apparently, she's "fallen in love with the taste," but we're doubting she's actually tasted anything with caloric content since, say, last July. [AdFreak]
• Barbie gets back together with Ken. How'd he win her over? By donning a leather jacket, styling his hair like Orlando Bloom, and learning about Buddhism. Yes, we're still talking about the freaking dolls. [NYT]
• Seeing this picture confirms that we're about 2 days away from Tom Ford backlash. How about you? [Towleroad]
• The blogosphere continues to gobble up everything in its path, including the New York Times. Or so says Google. [Kottke]
• Lindsay Lohan and Ryan Adams. First vomit, then discuss. [IMDb]

It's hard not to hate Dina Lohan, the perpetually tanned and fluffed mother of troubled starlet Lindsay. Maybe it's her denial of reality that makes us want to smack her:

• Thanks to her lost diary, we all get a glimpse into the frighteningly intellectual world of Lindsay Lohan.
• A Times sports reporter gets unacceptably frisky with a Rangers cheerleader; coincidentally, Times reporter Jason Diamos just happened to be covering the Rangers that night.
• Time Inc. brings the bloodshed, forthcoming layoffs can be considerably less painful thanks to union rules.
• Fake Writer James Frey adds a relatively un-fake author's note to existing and forthcoming editions of A Million Little Pieces.
• Let Fashion Week begin! Just don't feed the models, obviously.
• It was a week of sad farewells: Wendy Wasserstein, Coretta Scott King, and CNN film critic Paul Clinton.
• The New York Sun an innovative new circulation plan, whether you like it or not.
• Go ahead, call Nicky Hilton. She'll be happy to hear from you.
• Wonkette gets itself two new cocks and Gawker Media launches tech geek gossip rag Valleywag.
• Ryan Seacrest is no more or less Gay than last week.
• Anderson Cooper, however, is a little more Gay when he wears his gimp mask.
• Thought Alessandra Stanley's correction rate couldn't get any worse? Think again. And again. And again, if you can bear.

In this walk the walk, stalk the stalk edition: La Lohan and half a cheeseburger, Andre Balasz and Uma Thurman, Luke Wilson and a girl with bangs, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard, Lauren Bush, Zach Braff, Ed Burns, Sigourney Weaver, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Jason Schwartzman, Liev Schreiber, Liam Neeson, Zooey Deschanel (maybe), Rick Moranis (definitely), Alan Cumming, Rachel Dratch, Giovanni Ribisi, Juliana Margulies, Talib Kweli, Scott Speedman, Danny Bonaduce, John Waters, Debbie Harry, Theodora Richards, Alec Baldwin, Al Roker, Pat O Brien, and Chris Burke goes on with life.

The other night, Lindsay Lohan lost her diary at Hiro. It was eventually returned, but several pages were ripped out, prompting her lawyers to send a preemptive letter to major gossips, threatening that any publication that chose to run the diary's contents would face copyright infringement. Blah, blah — sending a letter like that before any details leak out is as good as giving your client a helmet after she already fell off the monkey bars.

• Most recently in the ongoing saga of Lindsay Lohan's battle with retardation, the starlet reportedly slipped on some stairs while carrying a ceramic teacup, which shattered and cut her leg. Interestingly enough, this all went down at Bryan Adams' house. WTF? Is her next asthma attack going to be at Richard Marx's pool party? [CNN]
• More on Kate Moss' grilling with Scotland Yard: She wore black pants! [R&M]
• Shame on you, Lloyd Grove! "Dance: Ten; Looks: Three" is NOT, as you say, a Sondheim classic. If you want to survive in this town, you better fag it up and learn that that A Chorus Line is the work of Marvin Hamlisch. [Lowdown]
• British socialite and Jimmy Choo designer Tamara Mellon hooks up with Kid Rock, though we're not sure how her stilettos will go over during Michigan's hunting season. [Page Six]
• Jodie Sweetin, meth, blah blah blah. What ever happened to predictability? [GMA]

· We keep saying that we're not going to laugh at any more Brokeback parodies, and we're made liars again and again. Prepare yourselves for Broke Mac Mountain, geeks. [via Towleroad]
· A little time at the tattoo parlor might cut down on some paparazzi attacks, if you choose the right ink.
· This is easily the best blog post comparing Crash and a straight-to-video volleyball movie we've ever read.
· Oscar trivia: Did you know that George Clooney is the first person to ever be nominated as a director while being recognized for an acting role in a different film in the same year? Now you do!
· A Munich videogame ain't that bad of an idea.
· The Random Celebrity Gossip Generator coughed up a good one: Lindsay Lohan was hospitalized in Londan after cutting her leg at Bryan Adams' home.

• How to cope with asthma? By chain smoking and tattooing the word "breathe" on your wrist. Works for Lohan! [Monsters & Critics]
• Sometimes it pays to be the other woman: Ron Perelman's former mistress Susan Kasen scored $1 million tax-free, a $1 million insurance policy, a $500,000 apartment, a monthly allowance of $5,000 and an annual payment of $50,000. [R&M]
• It's just kind of sad how Halle Berry repeatedly winds up with fuckbots. [Page Six]
• Vince Neil is too "puffy" to belt out a few Motley Crue tunes. [Page Six]
• Oh, did we say "puffy?" We meant that Neil was absolutely unhinged, and not in a rock sort of way. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Dukes of Hazzard and Son of the Mask lead the Razzie nominations, which recognize singularly shitty acheivements in filmmaking. In the Worst Supporting Actress category, Jessica Simpson, nominated for her thighs' role in Dukes, will go head-to-head with Paris Hilton's breathtaking performance in House of Wax. At any rate, it's more fun than the Oscars.

Other Scary Hollywood Lawyer (and recent Defamer penpal) Marty Singer has fired a warning shot across the bow of The Smoking Gun, trying to head off a potentially embarrassing situation for an unnamed client who was a little careless with her diary. An excerpt from the legal letter:

Sightings are sent in by readers, many of whom are legally blind. Send yours to tips@gawker.com.

· The incredibly inspired idea of the day: The WOW Report edits together a safe-for-work (well, if you have a pretty liberal workplace) version of the Colin Farrell sex video.
· "Life is a massive fuckin' mystery... and the best way to crack it is megadoses of psychedelics. (...) We are bacteria. That's what it's all about." So sayeth Joe Rogan, Fear Factor host and amateur neurochemist.
· This might be a first in Hollywood: being waited on by an actor before his career is over.
· Humpy E! gossip Ted Casablanca, unquestioned master of the linguistically adventurous blind item, owns up to asking Clooney if he'd be Heath Ledger's next cowboy bottom.
· The Cos's lady problems might be explained by the fact that he's a vampire.
· Fametracker fame-audits Brad and Angelina's fetus.
· Lindsay Lohan's mom seems far more concerned about dogs and cats activating her daughter's asthma than her "less than a pack a day" smoking habit. Or, you know, the other stuff.

• Lindsay Lohan continues to thrive after her "asthma attack" and Vanity Fair's "appalling" suggestion that she likes to boot and rally — due in no small part to the support of her mother Dina, who guzzles champagne with her daughter at B8 until the wee hours. [Page Six]
• Speaking of our fair young starlet, we too hear that Lohan hit up Saturday Night Live while "bloody cunt" Scarlett Johansson was hosting. But, well, was Lohan actually allowed to stay? [R&M (last item)]
• Rather than do an all-out blind item guessing game, we'll just put it this way: Clay Aiken, this is your life. [Page Six]
• If you care, the Golden Globes are tonight, and GQ editor Jim Nelson is getting everyone all liquored up for the event. Related: Can a glossy exist without extravagant, pricey parties? [Lowdown]
• Forbes.com wine pro Nick Passmore makes a total ass of himself while attempting to review Philippe. [Page Six]
• Desperate not to be forgotten by Brangelina's fetus, Matt Damon and his Anon-a-Wife are expecting a baby girl. [Scoop]

In LA, there are certain pushy pedestrian no-fly zones where celebrities can feel relaxed, knowing that they can luxuriate in their heightened level of existence without being thrown out of the fantasy with autograph or picture requests. The Chateau Marmont is a perfect example. Luckily for us, however, some of you could care less about bursting their protective bubbles:

• As a semi-anonymous blogger, there are plenty of ways to "out" yourself. Doing so by letting the Post profile you as a Dinner Whore — a single woman who casually goes on expensive dinner dates with anyone who can pay for a gourmet meal — is not, perhaps, the best option. We liked you better when we didn't know who you were and what you were up to. [NYP]
• While we've had some miserable professional duties in our time (latte-fetching and call-rolling come to mind), none compare to that of an intern asked to walk a wintery 25 blocks to deliver a box of knishes to Lizzie Grubman's family on the night of her prison release. [VV]
• Has the Daily News caught our libidinous affliction for Anderson Cooper? In a piece on newsmen with gray hair, they call the "trend" the Anderson Effect. Christ, even we'd just call gray hair "old." [NYDN]
• So does this mean that nasty anonymous commenters can be prosecuted for blog-harassment? [Rational Rants]
• As soon as celebrities start flaunting their 8-balls, maybe fairy dust will become as socially acceptable as leafy greens. [CityRag]
• Speaking of blow, if you were a dealer selling to Lohan, would you write about it on a message board? Actually, we bet you would. [Crewcial]
• Why it's better to be Gay. [Genre]
• Related: Sony launches a Gay record label. So, uh, Liza reissues? Madonna mixes? Terrible techno for your methed up night at the Pines party? [Reuters]

[Copyright Jennifer Verdon]

Lindsay Lohan is a true master of her craft. A lesser attention whore tabloid victim would've called it a night after showing up at a bar with last year's most celebrated cokehead, Kate Moss, and scrawling a nasty message equating rival Scarlett Johansson with a part of the female anatomy (or, in perhaps a worse sin, pandering to Brit BFF Moss by appropriating some slang). But not our Lindsay, who made her Sharpie wall-poetry merely the first act of her evening. Says Page Six:

Silly us: When we reported yesterday that Kate Moss and Lindsay Lohan had hit the Lower East Side's faux-hip Dark Room, we assumed their night had peaked with Lohan using a Sharpie and a bathroom wall to express her feelings about that "cunt" Scarlett Johansson. We were certain that they went home after that, nice and early, like the responsible ladies we all know them to be.

Perhaps the greatest celebrity neighbor feud of our generation, between an overweight, wisecracking ABC sitcom dad (Jim Belushi, we think), and one of the aging actresses who played Catwoman on the 1960s Batman TV series (Julie Newmar, but again, don't quote us) has finally come to a happy, made-in-Hollywood ending:

No matter how hard we try, we can't quite connect the dots on a a joke that begins "Kate Moss and Lindsay Lohan walk into a bar" and finishes up with one of the two rubbing her nose and instructing the bartender to "put it on her bill." (One of them probably needs to be carrying a duck, but whatever.) Anyway, the facts of Gawker's real-life tale of troubled dynamic duo Lohan and Moss, on the loose together in NYC last night, is much better than anything we could come up with:

We hear that last night at about 11:30, none other than Lindsay Lohan and Kate Moss sauntered into the Dark Room during the Tarts of Pleasure DJ set. Apparently the BFFs were looking for a venue where they wouldn't be noticed, so Last Year's Favorite Blow Bar seemed an appropriate choice for two "recovered" drug users. The ladies stayed there for the remainder of the night (presumably because they love hanging out with folks like Carlos D and My Chemical Romance); over the course of the evening, Lohan expressed her fondness for Gang of Four while Moss laid low and acted model-like.