We hardly need to tell you where to obtain your coke: Ever since the passage of the Los Angeles Cocaine Legalization Act of 2004, Hollywood's preferred social lubricant has been readily available at every Starbucks, Ralphs, and CostCo (at deep bulk discounts) in the city. However, we recognize that sometimes you'd like a little company when blowing rails, for while cutting up a couple of lines by yourself and settling in for a night of The Jeffersons reruns has its own rewards, there's really no substitute for crowding into a bathroom stall and enjoying the unique camaraderie of communing with strangers over a shared eight-ball. For those nights when you're craving some companionship, we point you to Gridskipper's guide to the local bars where you might find a new friend with whom to shovel some snow with a tiny spoon. An excerpt:

This morning, embattled Publicist to the Image-Impaired Stars Leslie Sloan Zelnik is one step closer to ordering the hacking off of client Lindsay Lohan's Blackberrying thumbs, as the prolific manifestotard's latest, ill-advised e-mail blast has once again found its way onto Page Six. Her latest subject: How preparing for her upcoming role as a stripper has given the actress a newfound respect for the hard-working women of the exotic dancing industry:

During this festive season, it's all too easy to get caught up in our own frivolous jollity and to forget about those less fortunate than we are. We're talking, of course, about strippers. According to an email Lindsay Lohan sent to "pals" last week (including, still, somehow, the "pal" who keeps leaking this shit to Page Six), we need to be more sensitive to the plight of these hardworking women. They suffer for their art, as Lilo has learned recently on the set of her new poledancing pic:

Lindsay Ratowsky — the former assistant to Lindsay Lohan, outed as the "LR" that Lohan rails against in her crazy rage-mail — has her own darkly criminal past. Ratowsky may be temporarily protected by her status as new assistant to Jessica Biel, but if Biel really is sorta "dating" NY Yankee Derek Jeter, Ratowsky could find herself drawn dangerously close to Lohan's home turf. (Incidentally, we personally spotted Derek Jeter sunning his golden physique on a Dominican Republic beach this past weekend, and he was complaining about some non-Biel chick he was trying to bone.) Anyway! Goldenfiddle runs a reader mail detailing Ratowsky's extremely amateurish attempt to steal a boutique necklace while masquerading as Lohan's assistant, even though she had already parted ways with the other Lindsay. Expect her to try and lift Jeter's 2000 World Series ring if not carefully monitored.

· Take a good look at this guy. (Record producer "DJ Jazzy" Jonathan "JR" Rotem, if you must know his name.) He was supposedly seen making out with Britney Spears, meaning that there's at least a fifty percent chance he'll be the father of her next child.
Meanwhile, Paris Hilton valiantly defends Britney Spears' mothering skills and partying ethics, claiming that a woman with small children who likes to get out of the house once in a while to flash her cooch isn't necessarily a bad mom.
Lindsay Lohan's hitting the pole, but she's not taking her clothes off. We'll grudgingly put up with such shenanigans from someone of Natalie Portman's abilities and level of class, but not from someone whose career high points are Mean Girls and begging Al Gore to ask the media to be nice to her.
Hey, Bigfoot pleasuring a unicorn! [Note to Fox Interactive types—disabling embedding on your promotional videos makes them much less fun. Free the handjobbing Sasquatch!]

We continue to read People because you're too cool to be seen with it. Today, Lindsay opens up to them about her partying habits with the same lies she's been telling since Herbie days. Here, we imagine how the interview went. Lindsay's quotes are 100% real, unlike the assertions in them.
So Lindsay, we hear you've been going to AA lately.
"I've been going to AA for a year by the way."
Uh, why? For a drinking problem? Have you been drinking lately, by the way? You look kind of bloated and addled.
"I haven't had a drink in seven days. Or anything."
That implies that you usually drink. Is that right? When you go out, do you sometimes get embarrassingly sloshed and humiliate yourself? By drinking?
"I'm not even legal to, so why would I? I don't drink when I go to clubs. I drink with my friends at home, but there's no need to. I feel better not drinking. It's more fun. I have Red Bull."
Do you have any advice for people who might find themselves in the exact situation that you apparently are in but deny being in?
"I think, don't do it for someone else. Do it for you, 'cause if you do it for someone else you're going to relapse. It's not going to be a change. You have to really do something if you want to do it and ... if it doesn't work, you're not meant to."
Okay, thanks for your time, Lindsay. It's been real.

Lindsay Lohan: I Haven't Had a Drink In A Week [People]

In the first entry in the "Totally True Confessions Of A Maturing Starlet Looking To Fix A Tiny Image Problem" sobriety diary she'll be keeping in People magazine over the coming months to document her brave recovery from a completely understandable impulse to enjoy the occasional cocktail with some friends after an arduous, honest, and call-time-observing day of shooting, hard-working actress and occasional manifesto author Lindsay Lohan informs her fans that she hasn't had a drink in seven days, a dry streak she prepared for with a year of AA meetings:

"All satire is blind to the forces liberated by decay. Which is why total decay has absorbed the forces of satire." — Theodor Adorno
Dear Andrea,
We understand why you found it irresistibly tempting to lampoon poor Lindsay Lohan's rambling, cokey missive in your column today. But in doing so, you learned something that we've known for a while: some things are so over the top, so inherently comedic, that they defy the satirist to make anything more of them than they already are. Don't get us wrong: we're not saying that we never make the mistake you made. We make it all the time! But when we do, we employ a couple of tactics that keep our posts from coming off as (quite) as hamhanded and dashed-off as your column. Here's an example of where you went wrong:

• We're always game for a little Zach Braff-bashing. [AV Club]
  

Lindsay Lohan's managed to stay out of Page Six for nearly an entire week (we imagine their office is so crowded with fruit baskets and bottles of high-end booze from publicist Leslie Sloane Zelnick that staffers can hardly move), but the troubled actress/non-sober AA spectator makes a triumphant return in today's edition, with excerpts from an e-mail in which Lohan calls out for high-powered help (Al Gore, the Clintons) in shifting the media's attention from her own, tabloid-attracting misadventures to unspecified "real issues." (Which we imagine would not include things she may have shouted at a former assistant at an open-bar event, unless they were somehow misdirected, angry expressions of her vague frustration with poverty in Africa.). Following so closely on the heels of Lohan's liberally circulated, tragically misunderstood eulogy for Robert Altman, Zelnick might have to take more proactive preventative measures to stop her suddenly prolific client from issuing future, image-damaging missives like this Fully Adequite Blackberry Manifesto without her supervision; at this point, simply confiscating Lohan's mobile communication devices probably won't get the job done, so a more drastic solution, like completely incapacitating the starlet's troublemaking, tiny-keyboard-tapping thumbs (whether by injected muscle paralyzers or a series of "accidents" with slamming car doors) is probably necessary. On to the e-mail:

Hey, tear yourself away from the Iraq Study Group Report and focus on the full text of the crazy Lohan email that Page Six wrote about, okay? God, the focus in the world is so misplaced.

We almost felt bad about making fun of the Krazy email that Page Six reports our favorite Long Island-born Strawberry Quik fan sent to her friends and lawyers last week, because it is starting to seem like Lohan might actually have graduated from 'retard' to 'actual developmentally disabled person.' But then we stopped feeling bad after we realized that we make fun of those all the damn time, too. So: highlights from Lindsay 'Does Chanel Make Helmets?' Lohan's lastest attempt to salvage her image (sic sic sic sic sic times infinity, obvs):

For a second straight day, we find ourselves bookended by stories of Lindsay Lohan's alcohol-related travails in the morning, and her publicist's fiercely protective, retainer-enabled statements in the afternoon. People reports that Leslie Sloane Zelnick, the well-remunerated protector of Hollywood's most prolific underage drinker's reputation, has confirmed the surprise that Page Six had already ruined for the actress's adoring public: that Lohan has been trying out some AA meetings for size. Zelnick once again urges the media, which has taken a baffling interest in her reclusive client's quiet personal life and infrequent public appearances, to back off:

And they also think it'll go great next to the Miro. Well, either that, or the geniuses who sent some New Yorker subscribers this email are the same geniuses who thought you high-minded snobs wanted to go to the Rose Bowl or cared about Suri Cruise . Your call, really. In any case, act now: supplies are extremely limited!

Following up yesterday's item about Lindsay Lohan's alleged attendance at a local AA meeting earlier this week, Page Six today reports on Lohan's delightful, possibly champagne-fueled antics at Wednesday night's GQ Men of the Year party (apparently, she's still just window-shopping for the right alcohol recovery program), where the actress threw a tantrum upon encountering a former assistant now in the employ of a peer with an enviable lack of an image problem:

Leslie Sloane Zelnick, crisis-managing protector of some of Hollywood's hottest, most profoundly troubled and image-impaired stars, has cordially invited those media outlets who uncharitably mocked client Lindsay Lohan's epically impenetrable, rambling, hastily Blackberried (we guessed Sidekick, which is close enough for our purposes) eulogy for Robert Altman to kiss her flacktastic posterior:

A gossip-bomb dropped in today's Page Six could soon have the tabloids bracing for massive layoffs, paparazzi seriously exploring the possibility of returning to law school, and cause the immediate shuttering of up to a third of Hollywood's most exclusive nightclubs: Lindsay Lohan may have decided it's time to dry out:

• Remember way back like 24 hours ago, when Lindsay Lohan, speaking directly into a paparazzo's videocamera, accused Paris Hilton of beating her with a drink? Apparently, Lindsay doesn't. "Paris never hit me. She's my friend. Everyone lies about everything. ... Please, stop trying to make us hate each other." Cokeheadflameoutsaywha? Maybe this was what Lindsay was getting at with that whole coda about how she's "just trying to act." [R&M, second item]
  

· "Were you planning to do a spoof or a parody of The Third Man?" Yeah, the Q&A portion of a NY DGA screening of The Good German probably could have gone a little more smoothly for Steven Soderbergh. Don't they know he's pals with that lovable Clooney character?
Two people you don't care about, even in an ironic fashion, are no longer dating!
Britney Spears Flashes Privates, Gets Press: Yup, that's pretty much the way the exchange works, isn't it?
TVLand has complied a list of the 100 TV catchphrases your most annoying co-worker long ago ruined for you.
Lindsay Lohan put on her underwear before heading out to the Vine Street Lounge, a sure sign she had no expectation of being photographed that night.

Enough time has passed since Robert Altman's death on Monday night for hundreds of tributes to the filmmaking legend to finally appear in the media. But none of the reflections on Altman's career or personal impact on those who've worked on his sets will move you more profoundly than the one released yesterday by his A Prairie Home Companion charge, Lindsay Lohan, who risked physical altercations with impatient nightclub patrons by locking herself in a bathroom stall in London and not emerging until this heartwrenching, incomprehensible expression of grief over Altman's passing was tapped out on her Swarovski crystal-encrusted Sidekick and sent out into the world: