Thalidomide and soda and Vitaminwater and Jesus H. Christ, the Christians are doing yoga. It's your daily health watch, where we watch your health—while sinning!

Injuries are nothing! Soda is nothing! Ab rollers are nothing! Our quote of the day will strengthen you! It's your daily fitness watch, where we watch fitness—while deadlifting properly!

Scared of getting Alzheimer's? Just guzzle some "relaxation drink," eat a "horseshoe sandwich," and wobble on the Wii. You'll forget all about it. It's time for your daily health watch, where we watch your health—dangerously!

Eating dirt. Eating at the world's best restaurant. Eating, as a weapon of international cold war. What do all these things have in common? Science! And eating. And death!

Ladies: are you psychotically obsessed enough with your physical appearance? Fear not! Scientists have now determined exactly where you're failing in your quest to not be a fat, disgusting cow. They'll make you insane yet!

Wal-Mart is good! Working moms are evil! Moon water flavors! Needle poke studies! These and other wondrous findings from the world of science in today's Science Watch, where we watch the science—voraciously eating facts!

Health food manufacturer and exponentially dimensionalized fulcrum of universal gravity PepsiCo is investing hundreds of millions of dollars in an effort to make America healthier, with things like "designer" salt crystals for Lay's potato chips. What else could they do?

When you go to work out should you be all focused and intense and hardcore, or should you just be flipping through some magazine on the elliptical, while sexting? Well, look at it this way: Do you want to die?

Can strong core muscle workouts and avoiding bad stew give you plump lips, a killer imperialist warrior spirit, and a victory over Manny Pacquiao? These and other important issues are explored in today's Fitness Watch—we're watching fitness, downward doggedly!

Anti-Scientology campaign group Anonymous, and some blogs, are airing accusations that Scientologist Kirstie Alley's new weight loss program, Organic Liaison, is based on quackery preached by L. Ron Hubbard, and that the company has links to the 'church'.

Want to live a long, healthy life? Listen to science! Get off your ass, stop being sexually abused, and never get angry, or have a headache, or—worst of all—have an angry abusive headache. We're watching science, calmly!

Fat American wombs are overstuffed with fat baby eating machines that will soon die! Judo and soda taxes are our only hope. It's your daily fitness watch, where we watch your fitness—while jogging!

Unmarried couples are increasingly living together, even though it doesn't improve your chance of a successful marriage. Births are up—but infertility gives guys cancer. What does this all mean? We're all going to die alone.

Are we sex addicts, or just terrible people? Are our obese children going to live into adulthood, or are we just terrible people? Are those eyelashes real, or are you a terrible person? Science has answers. Bad answers.

President Barack Obama's first periodic physical exam—in which the Chief White House Physician examines him at Bethesda Medical Center to serve up "a candid assessment of the President's ability to carry out his duties"—is complete. The results?

Drugs that kill! Hospitals that kill! Pregnancies that kill! These and other things that kill, in today's Health Watch—where we keep an eye on health (yours)!

Dick Cheney's office has confirmed that it was a "mild heart attack" that sent the former vice president to George Washington University Hospital complaining of chest pains yesterday. So it's officially his fifth heart attack since turning 37. But he "is feeling good," expected to leave the hospital in the next couple of days and CNN's tele-doctor Sanjay Gupta is encouraged, remotely, by his progress.

The only thing stopping The Grey Lady from getting totally felt up this weekend must've been a particularly adamant copy editor. This weekend, the Times introduced us to a "lactation consultant." Naturally, a few fourth-grade level "har har" moments followed.

New Jersey Senator Frank Lautenberg has lymphoma. His doctors expect "a full and complete recovery."

A made-up report has revealed that the USA is the world's most laziest country of all. But while you're celebrating that with some funnel cake sticks, your more svelte fellow Amerkins have some ideas on whipping you into shape.