The SEC has announced that J.P. Morgan Securities will pay $153 million to settle charges that the bank sold $1.1 billion in mortgage-backed securities that were designed to fail. That's about what the bank makes every three days.

Finally, the political-daughter-turned-memoirist smackdown we've been waiting for: Bristol Palin is taking on Meghan McCain.

Media mogul Barry Diller has a $100 million, 300 foot-long ("I like 'em long." - Barry Diller) mega yacht that he's been keeping at the Chelsea Piers, at the cost of $2,000 a day.

UK police have arrested a 19-year-old Essex man in connection with recent hacking attacks. Alas, it doesn't seem likely, as some media reports suggest, that this guy is a "mastermind" of the Lulz Security hacking group.

Noted secessionist and Governor of Texas Rick Perry still has your junk on his mind. Previously, the Texas Senate tried and failed to outlaw the TSA's enhanced pat downs in airports across the state after the Justice Department basically told them to fuck off. But Perry won't let go, and he has added legislation to a special session of the state senate that would criminalize "intrusive touching" by TSA employees. Lt. Governor David Dewhurst told the Houston Chronicle, "Addressing unreasonable and unlawful searches of innocent travelers by some TSA employees is an issue that affects all Texans who use air travel, and it should not wait until next Session."

So Roger Ebert went and posted that stupid tweet this morning about Ryan Dunn's death, "Friends don't let jackasses drink and drive," which he is still standing behind, but really, just shut up Roger Ebert? Nothing was conclusive at the time of the tweet, friends and fans were still in mortal shock over the awful news, and if I wanted lectures about the perils of drunk driving, which I do not, I wouldn't seek them out from a movie critic? That tweet just summed up everything that's annoying about Twitter to me. People wanting to be heard, me not wanting to hear them. (And stop contributing New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest entries, already! You got your framed trophy and bragging rights. How much validation of one's pithiness can one man possibly need?)

The trial of fashion designer John Galliano, who was fired from his own label earlier this year over charges that he made anti-Semitic comments to a woman at a French bar, starts this week in Paris—and the new details emerging aren't pretty.

Mark Zuckerberg's creations tend to be creepy: Disturbingly personalized ads, 1984ish facial recognition, and the reprehensible forced sharing of personal information. But the music service the Facebook CEO is expected to unveil this summer sounds smart and essential.

At last night's Much Music Awards, Lady Gaga took her wig fetish to its logical next step with neon turquoise pit and pube wigs. The carpet matches the drapes matches the—hmm—valances? Tapestries? Terry cloth toilet cover?

In your musty Monday media column: paywalls infest the iPad, The Onion wants a Pulitzer, Ed Henry goes to Fox News, Spin magazine fires its editor, mommy bloggers get their own talent agency, and reporters are harassed in Egypt.

For his new Current TV program — premiering tonight! — angry television personality Keith Olbermann will step out of his comfort zone to bring viewers a diverse set of voices. Last night on the Twitter, Olbermann announced the guests for his first show: Michael Moore and Markos Moulitsas, founder of Daily Kos.

Barack Obama, who spends all his time golfing and laughing while unemployed white people beg him for help that never comes, has somehow dragged hard-working Speaker John Boehner into his licentious hobby: The two men will golf each other tomorrow.

While the "We left our spouses for each other" New York Times "Vows" column was certainly a doozy, this new one, about the June 4th wedding of Andrea Catsimatidis and Christopher Cox, might be even worse.

The office of Republican Gov. Chris Christie of New Jersey is claiming that Fox News chairman Roger Ailes is a confidential adviser whose interactions with the governor should remain secret under New Jersey's executive privilege.

Sex-shamed congressman and budding amateur photographer Anthony Weiner is of course, following his resignation from the House of Representatives yesterday, considering his next move. Well, consider no further, sir! Entourage wants you.

By now you've probably seen footage of the hockey riot in Vancouver. And if you're from the US, you've probably said to yourself, "Damn, I didn't know they had it in them!" Thanks to a riot analysis from the Times we know that we could be dealing with a new, ultra-violent Canada. Here's your Vancouver hockey riot but what does it all mean? article:

The Manhattan district attorney's office yesterday filed a transcript of 17 statements made by Dominique Strauss-Kahn during and after his arrest on sexual assault charges last month. The Times has details of the statement, a voluntary disclosure form, that should be presented to defense attorneys. So, what were DSK's first hours in custody like? It took him a little while to really figure out what was going on:

President Obama, who earlier in the week said that he would resign if he were then-Congressman Anthony Weiner, was a little bit kinder toward the now-unemployed junk-Tweeter in a new interview. He thinks Weiner and his wife Huma Abedin will "bounce back"!

Life is different near the center of the tech bubble. Facebook employees, due to earn staggering fortunes, are nevertheless sad. They'll have to wait six months for the money, you see.

America's one-time sweetheart is returning from a long hiatus with a sexy new project. Also today: Kate Winslet and Josh Brolin hook up under strange circumstances, Aaron Sorkin adds more actors to his news team, and the potential return of Dave Chappelle.