George David, the wealthy ex-husband of Swedish countess divorceé Marie Douglas-David, is happy to reveal himself as the World's Biggest Pussy to fight his ex-wife's gold-digging. We just go along with this dynamic! Today: George David's no P-I-M-P.

With the stink of celebrity deaths and recession wafting around us, we need a restorative figure of youth. A symbol of American virility. A man who, despite his antiquated views of women and Jews, can make America feel giddy again.

Lizzie Grubman, lobster-faced PR woman and runner-over-of regular people, once had an assistant named Robert Rave. That since-disillusioned young man has now published a roman à clef about a boy working for a fearsome PR dragon. We've got a manuscript!

We know you've been wondering, "Why aren't there more romantic comedies inspired by Norse mythology?" Well, we have good news! There's also some news about the reclusive Jackson Family and Mel Gibson in a Beaver suit. To The Jump!

The news-less summer is saved—the Countess Divorceé trial continues, mercifully! The latest preposterous occurrence: Marie Douglas-David's CEO hubby was not only raped, but also menaced. By his wife's imperious tones!

[The scene at the Capitol during the first day of judge Sonia Sotomayor's Supreme Court confirmation hearings; image via Getty]

Who says foreign investors are done handing money to risky Americans? Russia's Digital Sky Technologies just started cashing out employee shares in Facebook, a $100 million investment. The move was expected; the implications will take longer to settle in.

A lawyer for Dolce & Gabbana flack Ali Wise—who was arrested last week on charges of eavesdropping and computer trespass—says it's not illegal to hack into someone else's voicemail without permission. Really?

Bernie Madoff's only remaining purpose in life is to be exploited by the media. Who will land the first jailhouse TV interview with the villain? We handicap the possibilities, below.

Police say that boxer Arturo Gatti, who was found dead last weekend, was strangled in his sleep by his 23 year-old ex-stripper wife. As if that wasn't unpleasant enough, Perez Hilton put up some other dude's picture on Gatti's "R.I.P." post.

Jared Kushner, boy wonder real estate scion and New York Observer owner: watch, as the young man fumbles his newspaper business and insults his staff! Marvel at his father's family-destroying schemes! And, his secret for attracting Ivanka Trump, below!

Are the young Harry Potter actors not the best? They are, because they're not ridiculous celebrity assholes, instead choosing acting in Broadway shows, going to Ivy League schools, and throwing down the charm offensive on young 12-year-old reporters. Seriously:

[Electric cars for the use of world leaders and their entourages at the G8 conferernce are lined up for a "family photo" in L'Aquila, Italy; image via Getty]

Shepard "OBEY Obama" Fairey has pleaded guilty to vandalism charges in Boston, and he's getting off easy. Boston, on the other hand...

Would you like to hear Gloria Vanderbilt, 85-year-old mother of CNN silverfox Anderson Cooper, talk about "sucking cock"? Good, because you can! Vanderbilt's naughty book called Obession: An Erotic Tale has an audio version. Here's a sample via Newsweek.

The antics of Ali Wise, the Dolce & Gabbana party-planner and publicist who was arrested this week on felony charges of computer trespassing and eavesdropping, extend beyond the one case with which she's been charged, Page Six reports.

Scotland Yard now says that it will not investigate allegations published in The Guardian that Rupert Murdoch's UK tabloids illegally hacked into the cellphones of public figures. Boo! However: the victims may sue. You'll be amazed who one victim was!

[A scene in the Mandela Day installation at Grand Central Station; image via Getty]

Doug Hampton, the husband of John Ensign's mistress, says Sen. Tom Coburn (R-Okla.) urged Ensign to pay Hampton off to the tune of $1.2 million to make the whole mess go away. Now Coburn won't talk, claiming doctor-patient privilege.

British authorities are launching an investigation into allegations that Rupert Murdoch's UK newspapers paid more than $1.5 million in hush money to try to cover up the fact that they were illegally hacking into cell phones in pursuit of stories.