The dreaded Mexican Pig Flu will be back. Oh yes. Of that, there is no question. A few months from now, you will wake up to hear daily Swine Flu Reports sandwiched between weather and traffic. Not a joke!

Bob Weinstein, silent-but-deadly snake-in-the-grass to brother Harvey's raging grizzly bear, is looking for a new assistant. The job is posted anonymously, but we know people who assure us it's him. It, uh... it sounds like a goddamned nightmare.

Padma Lakshmi is trying to make the leap from reality TV judge to sitcom star. Discussions about a new series (possible, boring, title: Single Serving) center around Padma working in the culinary world. How unsatisfying! Here are some better ideas.

The economy may wax and wane, but overheated tech rhetoric lives forever. Today's how news: The internet apps for Apple's internet phone will soon be bigger than the internet. What?

Sure, sure, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince raked in a gazillion dollars this weekend. But who are these people who went to Ice Age? Our guess: creationist parents who wanted their kids to watch a nature documentary.

A peacocked network has been brutalized by the economy. Meanwhile, a Burbank studio stores away a billion dollars in their water tower. And back at the ranch, robots are learning how to come together, fight evil, eat, pray, and love.

Bernie Madoff is adjusting comfortably to life in the North Carolina hick prison which will be his home for the rest of his days. He can take the bad food and the shitty job; but one thing makes Bernie weep.

Twitter seems only to have grown more furious at the tech blog that published its internal documents, accusing TechCrunch of lying and hinting at legal action. Bizarrely, TechCrunch is refusing to fight back.

Last week David Letterman posted his largest weekly victory over The Tonight Show since 2000. Last week's Tonight Show posted its smallest audience since Letterman premiered in August 1993. Is Conan turning out to be a disappointment for NBC?

Vanity Fair overlord Graydon Carter just turned 60, and his staff rewarded him with a positively Vanity Fair-ish birthday party! The highlight was sung to the tune of 'A Few of My Favorite Things'...

Between the Wizards and the Avatar there's a lot of money floating through Hollywood right now. Vast riches unknown by the average shmo! Sure glad we have the Jews to take care of it for us.

This week started with Goldman Sachs making billions in profits, and starting the Wall Street Pay Machine back up. Now, JPMorgan Chase has also posted a spectacular second quarter profit. Well. What could go wrong?

Our thoughts exactly: "[Hillary Clinton] professes to be amused, if baffled, by a recent column on the blog Daily Beast in which Tina Brown wrote, 'It's time for Barack Obama to let Hillary Clinton take off her burqa.'" [NYT]

Richard Gasquet is a professional tennis player who was suspended in May after testing positive for cocaine. But now he's been reinstated, thanks to one of the most thrilling Positive Drug Test Excuses of the 2009 season!

[Spongebob Squarepants visited Times Square today, delighting some children, enraging others, and probably scaring the pants (square or otherwise) off others still; image via Getty]

Current TV journalist Euna Lee—currently imprisoned in North Korea—summoned the Swedish ambassador to pass on a message to her husband: He must make sure he sent in their daughter's summer school registration form. *Tear.* [via BayNewser]

A hacker compromised various online accounts of Twitter staff, and while the company insists Twitter's own servers were not breached, the attack exposed internal documents gleaned elsewhere — showing the company's hubris and employees' growing sense of entitlement.

Are you still trying to write the perfect 140 character review for Harry Potter? Whatever you say, Quentin Tarantino thinks he could do it better. Also, they're going to bring back the Twlight Zone it will be the awful revision.

Josh Lucas—romcom star, nightlife regular, Matthew McConaughey admirer—seems like a nice guy, right? Well. As long as he's doing his yoga. When Josh Lucas stops doing his yoga...well, you wouldn't like Josh Lucas then.

Aw, Ali Campoverdi! The Maxim babe turned White House staffer used to date boombalottie Obama speechwriter Jon Favreau, but now it looks as though he's left her. Favreau (not the Iron Man guy, kids) was recently spotted with an actress.