[The edge of a giant forest fire that rages in Ventura County, California, yesterday. Image via Getty]

You do not want to miss the weekly festival of swooning self-regard and misty incoherence that will be Peggy Noonan's "Study Group" for undergrads this year, during her fellowship at the Kennedy School's Institute of Politics. Let's read the syllabus.

Justine Bateman called to talk to us about how she called some Twitter users "human waste" and "jackass" the other day. And, in about a half an hour, the screenwriter and prolific Tumblr-er distilled some important lessons for everyone.

The Jane Hotel's crotchety neighbors were about to get a big ol' story about just how noisy downtown's latest celebrity hangout is, but then the Jane Hotel's owners stepped in and killed it. At least that's what the writer says.

Look out ladies—Joe Francis is a free man again! The alleged arm-twisting sexual aggressor and loathsome Girls Gone Wild founder copped a guilty plea yesterday, ending his battle with federal prosecutors over tax evasion.

An Indonesian woman gave birth to this 19.2 pound bundle of joy, the country's biggest baby ever. Doctors think gestational diabetes is to blame. We think he's just an awesome giant. That other baby doesn't even know what to think.

Well, the contentious rumors have been confirmed: Justin Timberlake will play founding president Sean Parker in a little film entitled The Social Network, which everyone else just calls "that Facebook movie." Meanwhile, Jesse Eisenberg will play founder Mark Zuckerberg. [AFP]

Is there anything Barack Obama can't do? Not according to rapper Common, who credits the President with sending hip-hop off into a more cuddly, less bling-centric direction. And now peace reigns for all.

[To make your evening commute look even more dreary, take a gander at the heavenly Formosa Boulevard Mass Rapid Transit Station in Taiwan. Image via Getty]

All summer we kept hearing Eric Schmidt had resumed hanging out with onetime flame Marcy Simon, the killer flack at play-for-keeps Microsoft PR firm Burson-Marsteller. We're still hearing that. And now Simon's talking about the Google CEO in public.

The internet continues to baffle and comically anger Justine Bateman. The Family Ties star and manic blogger is calling people "shithead" and "human waste" for spamming her Twitter homepage, unaware she's seeing a new feature announced over a month ago.

Michael Bloomberg is an imperious, irritable oligarch who has purchased the mayoralty of New York City for life. And the New York Times has something to say about him: He puts salt on his pizza.

[Emma Watson's foil dress faces the muggle giggles of Gwyneth Paltrow and Mario Testino at the Burberry Prorsum show that closed London Fashion Week yesterday. Image via Getty]

Tom Ford's post-Gucci career goes on. In addition to directing the film adaptation of A Single Man, the designer has been building his eponymous fashion house. But now he needs an extra $50 million to turn dreams into reality. [Reuters]

We've all been concerned about the remake saturation that has plagued Hollywood as of late. Even though America has subconsciously begged for Footloose: Redux, our culture's fascination with all things old borderlines on pathological. Thank goodness, then, for Meghan McCain.

[This pile of spheres was created by artist Anish Kapoor for his upcoming exhibit at the Royal Academy in London. Image via Getty]

Pudgy philandering futurist Newt Gingrich has always opposed brown people and their filthy ghetto language, Spanish. Which is why he's launching a Spanish-language political web site, because he might as well try to make some money off these dirty people.

It's as if all the fans of the show shined a spotlight with a MP logo into the sky and now our blond super-heroine has swooped in for the rescue. Yes, Amanda Woodward is moving back in!

....An unarmed double amputee, in a wheelchair! Protect and serve, police officers of Merced, California. Let's roll that "single most enraging paragraph," shall we?

Will Jessica Simpson survive her dog's death? Did Anna Wintour survive sitting next to Pixie Geldof? Did Lindsay know her burglar? Did Anna Nicole's doctors know pills would kill her? Get some answers in your Tuesday morning gossip roundup!