In your Wednesday media column: Bill Keller's debut column, the NYT paywall approaches, NewsBeast shows staffers the new Newsweek, NPR listeners are unbearable, and Jeanne Moos wants a gold watch, goddamn it.

Neil Strauss, America's favorite awful porn-star ghostwriter and creepy vagina wrangler, has taken up the fight against American's criminals. His book The Game is, according to a press release his publicist sent us yesterday, "required reading for FBI agents," and he was recently asked to train a group of agents on his patented techniques for mesmerizing women/defeating villains.

In a lopsided 8-to-1 decision, the Supreme Court has ruled that the Westboro Baptist Church can't be sued for disrupting a soldier's funeral with vile and stupid protests.

Christina Aguilera's mugshot wasn't supposed to be released, but here it is, anyway. Scarlett Johansson gives Sean Penn a lap dance with her foot. Montana Fishburne narrowly avoids jailtime. Wednesday gossip sneaks forbidden peeks.

International Herald Tribune fashion writer Suzy Menkes talked to friends of newly-disgraced fashion designer John Galliano, who say they have successfully persuaded him to enter rehab immediately following his anti-Semitic tirade last week. The shame cycle is now complete.

Meet Twitter's newest verified user: @CharlieSheen, which is gaining followers at a rate of approximately 500/second, without having fired off a single tweet. Some 34,000 people and counting(!) are now following Sheen. But what will his first tweet be? Predict in the comments. [Image of Sheen via Getty]

If CBS hadn't pulled the plug on Two and a Half Men, Charlie Sheen would have taped an episode in which he spends a night partying (and possibly hooking up) with a gay dude. Not as strange as reality!

The blonde spitfire is getting another crack at the bat. Also today: more TV roles have been filled, from Hung to human computers, and Quentin might make a Western while Tim might make a Hunchback.

You know the difference between the putrid air of the metropolitan area and the searing sting of fresh air out in the country. But which cities are the most toxic? A new study finds out.

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange has—reportedly—told the British satirical and current affairs magazine Private Eye that there is a conspiracy of Jewish reporters out to get him, and that they're a bunch of little girls. He did this in response to charges that he associates with anti-Semites. Touche!

L.A. authorities have "no desire" to prosecute Christina Aguilera for public intoxication. In a prepared statement, the Sheriff said Aguilera's arrest last night "was just for a public safety issue. When she was able to navigate and to think on her own and make her own way, she was released." Boyfriend Matthew Rutler may still be on the hook for a DUI. [People, image via Getty]

Ever wanted to act out a Murdoch family drama with your friends? Did you always fight with your kid brother over who got to play Lachlan during your childhood games of News Corp?

Christina Aguilera and her boyfriend got sloshed, then arrested, last night. An actress names her children "Ptolemy" and "Winter." Leonardo DiCaprio trades "tender" kisses with a man. Tuesday gossip spent the night in a drunk tank.

Texas governor Rick Perry yesterday went on a tirade about border control and Mexico, asking "How many more American citizens are going to have to die?" He then said, "Juarez is reported to be the most dangerous city in America." Oops. [Politico; via Daily Intel]

Today we pondered the meaning of pop sensationalist Lady Gaga's new video. What does it all mean? Nothing? Is it nothing? Maybe not, says one commenter.

Pop music is in a rut of rip-offs: Lady Gaga rips off Madonna; Christina Aguilera and Rihanna rip off Gaga; Ke$ha rips off the rip-offs; and everybody claims it was "artistic inspiration." Well, Gigi Leung is here to tell you there ain't no knock-off like a Chinese knock-off, because Chinese knock-offs don't apologize.

Also today: some pilot casting news, a big deal visits SNL, Showtime invites two shows back for next years, and Don Johnson is going to save NBC.

Wonkette, which busted the shocking story of Sarah Palin's secret Facebook account wide open last week, has another installment in its investigative series on Palin's hamfisted attempts to establish fake private social media accounts: She has a private Twitter. And it's named @mckinely777, after America's tallest mountain and God's favorite numbers. Except she spelled "McKinley" wrong.

A British reporter was offered an almost identical invitation to Prince William's wedding by someone claiming to work at the printing press that created them for the palace. Apparently the counterfeit looked just like the real thing but was missing the two dotted lines where the names of guests are supposed to be written.

Completely powerless to keep his client from rambling on radio shows, Good Morning America, and TMZ, Charlie Sheen's publicist Stan Rosenfield quit. We gotta hand it to him, he survived a long time in the worst job in the world.