How do we know Silicon Valley is inflating an unsustainable tech investment bubble? Because Hollywood dope Ashton Kutcher and his technologically enhanced mate Demi Moore have somehow become mascots for tech investment. Sell, by God. Sell!

María de la Paz Elizabeth Sofía Adriana de la Huerta—known to mere mortals as actress Paz de la Huerta—has been charged with third-degree assault, attempted assault, harassment, and criminal possession of a weapon for a bar brawl with MTV reality star Samantha Swetra.

Network news divisions are still huge, relatively well-financed producers of some of America's best news coverage. They're also very slowly becoming dinosaurs. But hey—at least they're trying!

Evan Rachel Wood wants you to know that she sometimes dates women. Lindsay Lohan uses Good Friday to get out of court. Lea Michele pulls a bitch move at Coachella. Nic Cage goes back to work. Tuesday gossip is single and ready to mingle.

Lawmakers in Iran have proposed a bill that would make it illegal to own dogs because they're filthy and gross, according to a new report in Time. A leading cleric in the past has publicly denounced "short-legged" and "holdable" canines, and, if the law passes, the government could soon begin confiscating dogs from their owners. But there's more to it than just trying to keep the country's streets clean:

On April 6, Donald Trump learned that he had come out of nowhere to tie for second place in the GOP nomination race. The next day, he did what any bona fide contender would: He filed a trademark application for a new Trump-branded line of bath salts.

If you're a parent in New York and your kid is playing wiffle ball, tag or Red Rover this summer well, you're a horrible person. The New York Department of Health has drafted a list of "risky recreational activities" that could potentially kill or maim your kid this summer, and the previously mentioned games fit that bill. The list is an attempt to clamp down on deadly summer camps:

In her new memoir, A Helluva High Note, former American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi revealed that she was repeatedly molested at age 11 by a family friend in his late teens. She also mentions a date rape by a famous music producer. Memoirs: They're a helluva way to air out your closet.

Just when America's stricken media industry thought it finally caught a windfall in royal wedding hoopla—Collector's edition magazines! Bridezilla-bait TV specials! Ads for Rogaine!—Page Six reports this:

A favorite child actress from the early 1990s is returning to the screen in an exciting new project. Also today: two book-to-movie fantasy pictures have found their able directors, some big Hunger Games casting is announced, and Winona Ryder gets her own Black Swan.

Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss asked a federal appeals court to revive their case against Facebook. In the course of doing so, their attorney admitted the twins already have tons of Facebook cash. But money, you see, isn't the point!

Nuclear submarine secrets were exposed in poorly "redacted" documents on a British government website. It turns out all you need to beat 007's team these days are some copy and paste skills.

Hardened criminal Lindsay Lohan sent her lawyer to ask the judge in her grand theft case "how much time she'll get if she agrees to a guilty or no contest" plea, according to Radar. At what point does a repeat criminal offender who has not held an honest job in years become a "career criminal"? Her notoriety is all that's propping her up, anyway. [Radar, image via Getty]

Wall Street analysts hoped Larry Page would lay out his vision for Google on his first earnings call as CEO. Instead Page spoke briefly, took no questions and left. Now it's downgrade time.

It's probably safe to say that occasionally racist British author Martin Amis won't be throwing a Royal Wedding party at his place, after his remarks in the French magazine Le Nouvel Observateur. He makes some good points, actually, about how such intense media scrutiny can ruin a young person's life, and shows sympathy towards William and Harry. And besides calling the royal family a bunch of "philistines," he also said:

Fashion designer John Galliano was fired as Dior's head designer last month after his anti-Semitic rants surfaced. But today Dior, which owns 91% of the John Galliano line, fired him from that company, too. Just when we thought people were starting to forgive!

Ancient pop singer and spiritualist Madonna has long been associated with Kabbalah, a mystical, Jewishy sect. But she recently had a falling out with Kabbalah's leaders after the whole Malawi school debacle, so she's been on the hunt for something new. And it looks like she's found it: Opus Dei!

Kimora Lee gets uncomfortably honest about weight loss. Jessica Simpson uses her boobs to get out of parking tickets. 94-year-old Zsa Zsa Gabor may be a mother again. TGIFriday gossip.

Today, the 15th of April, is "The Day of the Sun" in North Korea, the day on which the nation's founding father Kim Il-sung was born 99 years ago. But unlike his son, Kim Jong-il — who was born magically on Baekdu Mountain under a double rainbow on the same day as the creation of a new star in the sky — the late Kim was just your average Marxist guerilla from a modest background who single handedly defeated the Japanese in World War Two and went on to found the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, all while on his way to becoming the "Great Leader."

In rather unsurprising news from America's dry, crackly grundle, lawmakers in Arizona last night passed the Trump-approved House Bill 2177, which requires any presidential candidate to show proof of his or her U.S. citizenship before being added to the state's ballot. Governor Jan Brewer will have five days to sign the bill into law.