The greatest day in all of British history is here! Prince William, heir to the throne, is marrying his lady friend Kate Middleton. Here is your very own wedding photo album for you to cherish in all the lonely years to come.

The trickle down from the financial crisis continues to wreak havoc on America, and the latest victim is our collective blood lust. The governor of broke ass California decided that building a $356 million, awe-inspiring new Death Row at San Quentin wasn't fiscally responsible. As it turns out, the construction costs, on top of just running the place, got way out of hand. From the San Francisco Chronicle:

Today we wondered aloud about who might be showing up to the first Republican presidential debate. So far the lineup is a tableau of crazy! What might the discourse be like at such an event? One commenter has scripted it out.

It's true! Little girls and their older cousins (or moms? oh god, moms??) will soon be able to sit down at the same movie and feel those youthful tingles of chaste lust together. Also today: more Hunger Games news, some gay stuff, and various dismaying CBS news.

Sarah Burton, the creative director for avante-garde British couturier Alexander McQueen was spotted checking into Kate Middleton's hotel in London. Prince William won't get to see her in her dress before the ceremony, but looks like we caught a glimpse.

In February, CBS abruptly announced that its correspondent Lara Logan "suffered a brutal and sustained sexual assault and beating" in Cairo while covering the Egyptian revolution. It was odd to make a such a strong, vague statement; it got everyone's attention, but nobody knew what it really meant.

In your soggy Thursday media column: a rumored bid for Variety, Penthouse's owner has a cheap IPO, Erin Burnett's going to CNN, Slate's editor likes Slate, and a Reader's Digest recipe kerfuffle.

Fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld doesn't go anywhere without his traveling companion and muse Baptiste Giabiconi. Now he's reserved a very interesting honor for the comely young man: Uncle Karl has sculpted the boy in chocolate. Remember Karl, it melts in your mouth, not in your hand. We wonder what it's filled with when you bite into it!

Despite having cornered the market on cheap crap, Wal-Mart just isn't as popular as it used to be. Not to worry. Wal-Mart knows exactly what you animals want: deadly weapons.

Alex Pettyfer's crotch tattoo says thank you, "in case I forget to say it." Blake Lively is a literal trainwreck. A Jersey Shore star is pregnant. Mariska Hargitay sues her talent agency. Thursday gossip is cocky.

Ben Stein—wacky creationist, conflict-of-interest-ridden former columnist, and slow-speaking Ferris Bueller teacher—is still in demand as a speaker, apparently, despite being provably wrong about things. But he's funny, by financial standards. Right? Yeah, too funny.

Air travel in America is becoming increasingly scary, with napping air traffic controllers, First Lady near misses, and so on. Who can we turn to in these trying times? Heh, we should be ashamed for posing such a rhetorical question. The Daily Beast caught up with the only man we need to hear from, Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger, to get his thoughts on the crisis gathering in America's skies. Besides the fact that Captain Sully never met a flying schedule he couldn't man up and handle, we learn that proposed cuts in the FAA's budget scare him:

Some newspapers are up in arms over a police union guy allegedly trying to "fix" a speeding ticket for someone — which is surely a very rare occurence in the world of law enforcement. And in a Post EXCLUSIVE, we get transcripts of a wiretapped conversation that paints a picture of what one union delegate thinks of cops: "One thing that I know about these Highway dudes is that they're all pretty much assholes, you know what I'm saying? [...] They're all dickheads." Outrageous! Next thing you know, an EXCLUSIVE wiretap will come out with someone saying that all cops have a chip on their shoulder, like flat tops and unironic moustaches, and target people who aren't white on dubious grounds.

Or rather will become. The role of Levi has been cast, and the actor who will play him, like Levi, enjoys taking his clothes off for money. Also today: Superman casting, Piranha casting, and movie awards hosting news.

Ah, springtime in Cambridge! The birds are chirping, the flowers are blooming, and the Harvard seniors are wetting their beds on a nightly basis at the prospect of entering "the real world." (As opposed to the elaborate hologram that is life on campus. You thought you lost your virginity in college? Guess again! That wasn't reality, it was a lucid dream.)

To refute intense criticism that iPhones track their owners' every move, Apple today announced that "the iPhone is not logging your location," just what Wi-Fi stations you're near. Too bad Apple already admitted there's no difference.

After the recent unexpected death of its namesake founder, the new owners of Don Hill's closed the downtown nightlife institution for good on Monday night. Developers are going to turn it into a condo. Welcome to the new downtown Manhattan!

I am old, crotchety, and weary of the complexities of modern life. So I am not a trustworthy judge of kids these days. But when one of the best-selling bands in America is just the imaginary band starring in a Disney made-for-TV movie...that's messed up, right?

If you criticize Vanessa Hudgens' weight, she will pop a cap in your ass. Kate Hudson is engaged. Beyonce gets sued for ruining Christmas. Will.i.Am cleans his butt with baby wipes. Wednesday gossip takes it to the streets.

Drawing Hitler moustaches on subway movie posters, yearbook pictures and images of Barack Obama is a time honored tradition in America. But in Britain, drawing one on a Conservative politician's campaign poster can turn a tiny, quiet hamlet into a police state. At least that's what happened to Pitcombe, Somerset, after one appeared on a likeness of Conservative councillor Mike Beech in the village and he called police to cry about it.