Television character Donald Trump, as expected, has ended his fake consideration of the presidency just as his program the Celebrity Apprentice is winding down for the spring — and getting renewed for another season, as it was this morning.

Steven Tyler tried gay sex "but just didn't dig it." Rick Springfield curses out a cop. Pippa Middleton reunites with an ex. Rihanna follows Chris Brown. Monday gossip explores its sexuality.

CNN anchor Don Lemon has a new memoir out. In it, he admits that he is gay—something that was widely known within the news industry already. Let's parse this quote that Don gives to the NYT:

Stephen Hawking says: "I regard the brain as a computer which will stop working when its components fail. There is no heaven or afterlife for broken down computers; that is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark." Ooooh.

The head of the International Monetary Fund, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, arrested yesterday in New York for alleged sexual assault on a hotel maid, is also known to many as "the great seducer," for his "reputation with women" as the AP points out. The guy is 62 years old. That's gross.

An influential former supporter of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Ayatollah Mohammad Taghi Mesbah Yazdi, told the Iranian magazine Shoma that the president has been acting "unnaturally" due to a spell that was cast by his main adviser, Esfandiar Rahim Mashaei.

Yesterday, a New York City hot dog vendor celebrated Friday the 13th—both the day and the horror film—by slashing up a rival vendor's face. Though "authentic," slashing your competitor isn't an effective marketing strategy in the long run.

Poor little Tiny the lowland gorilla is dead after sustaining injuries caused during an attack by his surrogate father Kesho, who was apparently became "jealous" of the defenseless tot and started a fatal fight. Kesho is definitely on our "Worst Gorillas in the World" list today.

So far this year, the U.S. has had to shell out more than a billion dollars to deal with the aftermath of five weather disasters caused by Mother Nature—who seems to think we're made out of money or something. Typical woman.

Today we learned that George W. Bush was just kicking back with a nice souffle when he got the call about Osama Bin Laden. Very interesting! What were other ex-presidents doing when they found out? One commenter knows about one, at least.

I know you never thought it possible, but little Troy Bolton is about to get sexual and thrilling, all at once. Also today: tons of TV news about renewals and cancellations, plus a sexy little companion piece to the Efron news.

Whenever you see a photograph of the president making a major address from inside the White House, it's really a picture of him saying "peas and carrots, peas and carrots" after the speech while photographers get their shots. Not anymore, though! For some reason, the White House has decided to stop participating in that particular form of fake-news manufacturing. It will continue to fake other news events, though. [AP, photo via Getty]

Scarlett Johansson isn't pregnant, but maybe she wants to be? Matthew Perry returns to rehab. Lindsay Lohan hires a new publicist. (As if that will help.) Friday gossip is optimistic.

Ramzan Kadyrov, murderous warlord and "president" of Chechnya, is trying to recast his country as a hub for international football. And to celebrate the opening of a new stadium he had built in Grozny, Kadyrov hosted a friendly match between his team, made up of various criminals and murderers businessmen, and a team of retired international stars that included Argentinian great Diego "Hand of God" Maradona.

It seems as though Ashton Kutcher is about to throw his hat back into the sitcom ring—and in a way you never saw coming. According to The Hollywood Reporter, the former That 70s Show star will return to primetime this fall—for a "big payday"—when he replaces Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men, which is still somehow the top-rated comedy on television.

Today we learned that while Sarah Palin is terrified of Common, known cop killer, she is not terrified of all rap. She loves rap! She likes it so much she's written her own rap tune. One commenter got an early snippet of lyrics.

Your crush from the early '90s is in trouble and he needs your help. Particularly if you are an executive at Fox television. Also today: NBC announces some new shows, Craig Kilborn is back in the game, and Stephenie Meyer wins again.

Guess whose turn it is now to accept a fat welfare check from the world of conservative publishing imprints? It's Donald Trump's turn, naturally! The skinny-mouthed death hologram has signed on with Regnery Publishing — the folks behind bestsellers from Michelle Malkin, David Limbaugh, Laura Ingraham, and whoever else sucks — for a "policy book," to be written on a crash schedule and released late this summer.

In your peerless Thursday media column: Bill Keller twit-muses, Jim Lehrer is leaving, a National Magazine Award is controversial, more on the NYT's Week in Review revamp, and the internet spawns another millionaire.

Last night marked the start of the Cannes Film Festival, Hollywood's paid vacation to the south of France. So, who's currently caught up in the collision of blockbusters and indies? Oh, just about every star on earth. Here are just a few.