Gary Johnson Will Run for Top Republican Screwer-Overer

Jim Newell · 12/21/11 12:55PM

Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson has dropped out of the Republican presidential race. He rarely ever polled above 8 — people, not percentage points. He made a popular Rush Limbaugh joke about doggie poop during one of the two debates in which he appeared. He took his shirt off for the papers and rode a bike. He courted pagans, online gamblers, and other knaves. And now he will run for the Libertarian party nomination, and maybe decide the presidential election.

Can Gary Johnson Win on the Backs of Poker Players?

Jim Newell · 07/07/11 03:55PM

You may not have noticed, but former New Mexico Gary Johnson is still running for the Republican presidential nomination! Oh, you didn't know in the first place? He's like this libertarian type guy who doesn't get invited to Republican debates anymore, and is now desperately relying on poker players to carry him to the nomination.

Live Coverage of the First Republican Presidential Debate

Jim Newell · 05/05/11 07:57PM

Five Republicans — Herman Cain, Tim Pawlenty, Rick Santorum, Gary Johnson, and Ron Paul — are debating political stuff in South Carolina at tonight's First Republican Presidential Debate. Where are the "good candidates," you ask? They're busy, doing anything else. But that's no matter; The Pizza Man and Anal Leakage don't need Mitt Romney's help to put on a show. Let's record all the slaps in this Palmetto Punchout, right here. Turn on the Fox News Channel, now!