24-year-old Aaron Swartz, one of the first employees of internet-addled nerds' favorite message board, Reddit, was indicted last week on charges that he stole over four million articles from the online academic journal archive JSTOR. He faces up to 35 years in prison and a $1 million fine.

When Archie Comics, beloved manufacturers of American easiness, first introduced Kevin Keller, their first openly gay character, he was only supposed to be there for a short time. But now he's been called up to the big leagues!

Rich Hil, the tatted-up 21 year-old son of Tommy Hilfiger, just got himself a record deal with Warner Brothers. (You can celebrate the moment with him in this video.) While Hil is, at least, more talented than Chet Haze, the rise of two celebrity scions into hip hop prominence at once makes me fear the very worst.

Finally, we get a glimpse of all the death and destruction the guidos of Jersey Shore bring to Florence for their fourth season. It's like the Fellini movie that we always wanted. It's time to get excited, everyone!

Someone just accosted Rupert Murdoch during his testimony before Parliament, apparently in an attempt to throw a pie in his face. He doesn't appear to have been injured. His wife Wendi played bodyguard, catapulting herself toward the attacker with arms and nails flailing. His son James just stood there.

Is Ryan Phillippe robbing the cradle of an actress half his age? Is J. Lo divorcing because she's too controlling? Why did Ed Westwick hide from the paparazzi in a tree? Elin Nordegren's new boyfriend: super sleazy, or super-duper sleazy? Tuesday gossip has questions.

The FBI investigation into the hacking collective Anonymous is still plodding along. Ten FBI agents raided three New York guys and took away their computer stuff.

Rupert Murdoch and his son James have been testifying this morning before a British Parliamentary committee investigating the wide-ranging criminality of basically everything they've done for the past 20 years.

One of Charlie Sheen's scratchposts says she used to have an affair with an Oscar winner. This young actress got pregnant by another star. And this photo agency is buying cocaine for Charlie Sheen's ex, Brooke Mueller. Damn, even after leaving Charlie these girls are trouble.

News Corporation CEO Rupert Murdoch arrived a few hours early at the Houses of Parliament to face questioning over his tabloid phone-hacking scandal, but his driver quickly drive off after being mobbed by photographers. In one of the pictures we're not so sure he's even alive. Have a quick look while you gear up for today's main event.

Space Shuttle Atlantis has undocked from the International Space Station and begun its final voyage home, making it the last time in history the two longtime, spacefaring lovers will engage in intergalactic intercourse. Sadness all around. [AP, image via NASATV]

Congratulations to Justin Werner, a 21-year-old from Topeka, whose recent tonsillectomy produced a rare and wonderful thing indeed: a pair of the world's largest tonsils, as verified by Guinness.

Tomorrow, News Corp. CEO Rupert Murdoch, his son James, and former News International CEO Rebekah Brooks will testify before Parliament about their knowledge of the News of the World hacking scandal that has rocked Britain for weeks. But on tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert—much like Steve Doocy on Friday's edition of Fox & Friends—had a much less serious take on it all. Video of Colbert's segment is above.

Well, at least they didn't have to pay for a photographer. Tammy Lee Hinton, a 50-year-old woman from Florida, was arrested Saturday — at her own wedding in Michigan, on a felony identity theft warrant. On a more uplifting note, the cops had the decency to wait until vows had been exchanged before immediately taking her into custody. She's currently registered with the Michigan Department of Corrections and Pottery Barn. [The Smoking Gun, mugshot via TSG]

The deadline for raising the debt ceiling—after which the U.S. is likely to default—is August 2. President Obama's birthday is August 4. Coincidence? Not according to America's stupidest congressman, Rep. Louie Gohmert (R - Texas)!

Poor President Obama just can't catch a break. Earlier today, the president entered the White House Rose Garden to announce that he'd tapped Richard Cordray to head the newly formed Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. But then he told a bad joke about Cordray's past as a Jeopardy! contestant. And nobody laughed. And it was sad.

You know how when you went to house parties in high school, the host would always say, "Don't go into my parent's bedroom, otherwise I'm dead"? Well! Tyler Hadley, 17, was arrested for murdering his parents and then hiding their bodies in the master bedroom while he threw a 60-person party.

The Online Dermatology Journal has a fascinating paper concerning "Pseudomamma on the foot," which is to say "An unusual presentation of supernumerary breast tissue," which is to say: This woman grew a goddamn nipple on the bottom of her foot. There it is! You can see it for yourself! A foot-nipple!

How bad are things looking for News Corp CEO Rupert Murdoch in the wake of the News of the World phone hacking scandal? This bad: If he screws up enough during Tuesday's parliamentary hearing, he may be replaced as CEO by jauntily-mustachioed COO Chase Carey.

In today's little bit of authoritarianism we can get behind: Philadelphia is going to start handing out citations—and $120 fines—to pedestrians who "text while they walk without looking ahead."