The Republican candidates have all gathered in Ames, Iowa tonight for a terrifying Fox News debate. Did they really need to do this on a night with so many wonderful NFL preseason games? Lord, do they ever hate America. Anyway, what will they babble about, and who will win, and what else? Let's explore!
Velveeta™ brand products are much like America itself: chemical-laden, unnaturally orange, and composed primarily of Cheez. So it's unsurprising that Velveeta convenient meals division brand manager Adam Grablick's comment on the process of chemically concocting, packaging, rolling out, and promoting the new Velveeta Cheesy Skillets would serve to crystallize the fundamental hopelessness that has overtaken us as a people more clearly than anything else.
Lindsay Lohan buys something on the streets of Venice Beach. Dianna Agron thinks Lindsay is "sad." Gloria Steinem hates on the Kardashians. Rebecca Black says she got bullied out of school. Thursday gossip suspends disbelief.
They were going to build a fantasy island together, a floating libertarian utopia where outsiders like them might finally feel at home. They were two walking contradictions: Peter Thiel, the billionaire Facebook investor torn between his Christianity and fleshy gay parties, and Patri Friedman, the commune-dwelling offspring of America's "grandmaster of free-market economic theory." But the Thiel-Friedman professional partnership has come to an end, and right in the media spotlight.
This movie princess even gave herself to her rocker beau as a wedding present. This actress has a hellacious dog. And these two divas are in a feud. Why can't everyone get along... but not so well that they have an affair?
There are epic Taser incidents and then there's this: An R&B singer and former candidate for one of Alabama's U.S. Senate seats, Simone De Moore, up until last Sunday was the music director at New Welcome Baptist Church in St. Elmo, Alabama. He was fired by Reverend Riley and, according to Moore's mother, Agolia, "They owed him. He asked them for his money."
The now 20-year-old Barefoot Bandit, Colton Harris-Moore — famous for stealing rich people toys like airplanes and boats while shoeless — has reportedly signed a $1.3 million movie deal that includes the young criminal's life rights as part of a plea deal agreed to by federal prosecutors. All of the money will go toward repaying his victims. In a statement obtained by The Herald, the Bandit said:
We've all been on some pretty bad flights. But a JetBlue flight from Oregon to JFK yesterday, well, ew.
In an announcement serendipitously timed to coincide with the last, gasping vestiges of what once was the American dream, U.S. Interior Secretary Ken Salazar said that the Statue of Liberty will close down until further notice for some desperately needed repairs.
A Florida man is under arrest after attempting to run away from police who were responding to complaints that he'd been disgusting McDonald's patrons by popping zits on his back.
Thousands of New York tourists and office workers watched in horror on Wednesday afternoon as a distraught 23-year-old man dangled 70 stories above Rockefeller Plaza, threatening to jump onto the site of the famed skating rink below. The man wore "an American flag bandana on his face and...a tie," and had "several bags, one of which has a jug of water, and was handing policemen letters with...messages on them," Gothamist reports. Late Night with Jimmy Fallon bandleader Questlove also noted via Twitter, "holy lord—-why is this on the camera feed like in HD?!!?!?!?? like i can see his nose hair! wtf!," later adding, "Whew!!!!! They got him!!!!!!!!! Now beat his ass for ruining my lunch."
Wednesday's New York Post covered the turmoil in the stock market this week with an especially silly front page headline and photo, as you may have noticed. On tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert took some time to analyze the Post's decision to slap a smoking prostitute on the cover alongside the headline "Crazy Stox like a hooker's drawers... UP, DOWN, UP," before unveiling a few hooker-related mock covers for other recent news stories.
Tired of clicking endlessly on Twitter to find out who is loving you, who is quoting you, who is stalking you and who is talking about you? Good news: The microblogging service just made narcissism way less time consuming.
Are you sitting down? Good. Because this may come as a shock to you, but you're going to have to grow up sometime: The Princeton Club of New York, a "private social club" catering to Princeton graduates, might be just a little bit racist.
Sarah — a 54-year-old Asian elephant performer in the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus with a known history of poor health — was filmed by animal rights activists collapsing onto her side as she boarded her boxcar after a performance in Anaheim, Ca.
