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What to Expect from Tonight's Iowa Debate

Jim Newell · 08/11/11 12:03PM

The Republican candidates have all gathered in Ames, Iowa tonight for a terrifying Fox News debate. Did they really need to do this on a night with so many wonderful NFL preseason games? Lord, do they ever hate America. Anyway, what will they babble about, and who will win, and what else? Let's explore!

Devastating Anomie of Modern Life Cured by Velveeta Cheesy Skillets

Hamilton Nolan · 08/11/11 11:45AM

Velveeta™ brand products are much like America itself: chemical-laden, unnaturally orange, and composed primarily of Cheez. So it's unsurprising that Velveeta convenient meals division brand manager Adam Grablick's comment on the process of chemically concocting, packaging, rolling out, and promoting the new Velveeta Cheesy Skillets would serve to crystallize the fundamental hopelessness that has overtaken us as a people more clearly than anything else.

Is Lindsay Lohan Buying Drugs in This Video?

Maureen O'Connor · 08/11/11 10:56AM

Lindsay Lohan buys something on the streets of Venice Beach. Dianna Agron thinks Lindsay is "sad." Gloria Steinem hates on the Kardashians. Rebecca Black says she got bullied out of school. Thursday gossip suspends disbelief.

Facebook Billionaire Splits from his Libertine Pinup

Ryan Tate · 08/11/11 10:44AM

They were going to build a fantasy island together, a floating libertarian utopia where outsiders like them might finally feel at home. They were two walking contradictions: Peter Thiel, the billionaire Facebook investor torn between his Christianity and fleshy gay parties, and Patri Friedman, the commune-dwelling offspring of America's "grandmaster of free-market economic theory." But the Thiel-Friedman professional partnership has come to an end, and right in the media spotlight.

Which Actress and Musician Have Been Hooking Up?

Brian Moylan · 08/11/11 10:05AM

This movie princess even gave herself to her rocker beau as a wedding present. This actress has a hellacious dog. And these two divas are in a feud. Why can't everyone get along... but not so well that they have an affair?

R&B Singer Tases Pastor During Church Knife Fight

Jeff Neumann · 08/11/11 07:04AM

There are epic Taser incidents and then there's this: An R&B singer and former candidate for one of Alabama's U.S. Senate seats, Simone De Moore, up until last Sunday was the music director at New Welcome Baptist Church in St. Elmo, Alabama. He was fired by Reverend Riley and, according to Moore's mother, Agolia, "They owed him. He asked them for his money."

Last Standing Symbol of American Hope Closed For Repairs

Seth Abramovitch · 08/11/11 03:13AM

In an announcement serendipitously timed to coincide with the last, gasping vestiges of what once was the American dream, U.S. Interior Secretary Ken Salazar said that the Statue of Liberty will close down until further notice for some desperately needed repairs.

Man Arrested After Popping Zits at McDonald's

Seth Abramovitch · 08/11/11 02:17AM

A Florida man is under arrest after attempting to run away from police who were responding to complaints that he'd been disgusting McDonald's patrons by popping zits on his back.

Jumper Rescued From 70th Floor of 30 Rock

Seth Abramovitch · 08/11/11 01:43AM

Thousands of New York tourists and office workers watched in horror on Wednesday afternoon as a distraught 23-year-old man dangled 70 stories above Rockefeller Plaza, threatening to jump onto the site of the famed skating rink below. The man wore "an American flag bandana on his face and...a tie," and had "several bags, one of which has a jug of water, and was handing policemen letters with...messages on them," Gothamist reports. Late Night with Jimmy Fallon bandleader Questlove also noted via Twitter, "holy lord—-why is this on the camera feed like in HD?!!?!?!?? like i can see his nose hair! wtf!," later adding, "Whew!!!!! They got him!!!!!!!!! Now beat his ass for ruining my lunch."

Stephen Colbert Wasn't Too Impressed with Wednesday's New York Post

Matt Cherette · 08/11/11 12:49AM

Wednesday's New York Post covered the turmoil in the stock market this week with an especially silly front page headline and photo, as you may have noticed. On tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert took some time to analyze the Post's decision to slap a smoking prostitute on the cover alongside the headline "Crazy Stox like a hooker's drawers... UP, DOWN, UP," before unveiling a few hooker-related mock covers for other recent news stories.

Live the Alec Baldwin Way

Seth Abramovitch · 08/10/11 11:20PM

Now you can own the very pot Alec Baldwin refuses to shit or get off of. The 30 Rock star is unloading his 3,000 square-foot apartment in the El Dorado on Central Park West. Asking price? $9,500,000.

Twitter Redesigns Around Your Narcissism

Ryan Tate · 08/10/11 10:34PM

Tired of clicking endlessly on Twitter to find out who is loving you, who is quoting you, who is stalking you and who is talking about you? Good news: The microblogging service just made narcissism way less time consuming.

Payroll Manager Not White Enough for Ivy League Club

Max Read · 08/10/11 10:01PM

Are you sitting down? Good. Because this may come as a shock to you, but you're going to have to grow up sometime: The Princeton Club of New York, a "private social club" catering to Princeton graduates, might be just a little bit racist.

Collapsing for 10 Minutes Perfectly Normal Elephant Behavior, Says Circus

Seth Abramovitch · 08/10/11 09:49PM

Sarah — a 54-year-old Asian elephant performer in the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus with a known history of poor health — was filmed by animal rights activists collapsing onto her side as she boarded her boxcar after a performance in Anaheim, Ca.