The last time we checked in with accidental viral video star Jessi Slaughter, things were bleak. But in a new video, she looks remarkably OK and says she's living in foster care, away from her abusive dad.

Here's a teaser trailer for the drama We Need to Talk About Kevin, an adaptation of a popular novel and a favorite at this year's Cannes film festival. It looks dark.

Paula Abdul's personal mantra is also her staff's. Adam Sandler is accused of dining and dashing. The cast of The Help likes to skinny dip. Angelina Jolie is "as kinky and insatiable as ever." TGIFriday gossip is titillating.

As if lawyers didn't have enough to worry about, like the need to write angry comments on the internet when bloggers make fun of them: now companies don't even love law firms any more. God. Not companies!

This A-lister likes hookers so much he might need to hire someone from the world's second oldest profession: a divorce lawyer. This actor is the latest conquest for a Real Housewife, this actor took his kid on a drug run, and this American Idol also-ran wants to be a beard. That's like a prostitute with no sex!

Don't say we never bring you the hard-hitting news. Patrick Schwarzenegger/Shriver, young son of Arnold and Maria, budding model and entrepreneur, has posed topless for a jeans ad and now there is a giant billboard of him in Los Angeles.

Of course the New York Post followed the guy who peed on a sleeping 11-year-old during a JetBlue flight all the way up to his parents' home in Vermont yesterday, where the reporter was greeted with, "We have no comment, nothing to say" from his mother. The paper notes that the pisser and his mother were unloading skis and luggage. As it turns out, 18-year-old Robert "Sandy" Vietze is one of the top young alpine skiers in the country and is listed on the US Ski Team's Development Team roster. Until yesterday, that is.

While the rest of America watches the economy go down the shitter all over again, the Pentagon is busy blowing hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars on toys that don't work. Perhaps you've heard about the Falcon Hypersonic Technology Vehicle 2 and its alleged Prompt Global Strike™ capabilities? It failed for a second time during a test flight yesterday off the coast of California.

Ah, the amazing Dougherty Gang — born about 80 years too late, with another 80 long ones ahead of them to ponder that fact. The trio of bank-robbing, bunker-living, machine-gunning siblings made their first court appearance on Thursday in Pueblo County, Colo., where they are being held on bonds of $1.25 million each.

Emma Stone has had three movies come out in as many weeks, so naturally she's been on just about every talk show imaginable recently. You'd think she's run out of interesting anecdotes by now, but Stone's interview with Jimmy Fallon on tonight's Late Night was actually kind of adorable. Watch Stone discuss her paranoid fear of Twitter and the FarmVille addiction that forced her to delete her Facebook account in the clip above.

During a concert in Norway on Tuesday, Kanye West complained to the crowd that the stage was slippery: "If I fall, someone will film it and it will be all over YouTube." Sure enough, he fell on his ass a few minutes later, as you'll see in the entertaining clip above. [via ONTD]

Jani Lane — the lead singer and songwriter for Warrant, one of the last hair metal bands — was found dead on Thursday evening in a Comfort Inn room in Woodland Hills, near Los Angeles. He was 47. No cause of death has been released.

In a move that surprised no one, Sarah Palin announced on Monday that she would resume her national bus tour this weekend with a stop in—where else?—Iowa. On tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert marveled at Palin's ability to soak up media attention at every turn: "Sarah Palin's version of the bat signal is anyone else's spotlight."

Marvin Lane Ussery, a 48-year-old parolee and former inmate at New Folsom in Sacramento, was caught by thermal imaging cameras late Wednesday night sneaking around prison grounds. Asked what he was doing there, Ussery said, kind of touchingly, "reminiscing."

If you weren't in front of a TV this evening—or you just couldn't bear to watch Republicans bicker for two hours straight—and you'd like to catch up on what went down during tonight's GOP presidential debate on Fox News, here's a clip that will fill you in on the highlights/lowlights. The 2012 campaign season sure is shaping up to be lots of fun, huh? [TPM]

The US Postal Service is now faced with a tough decision: raise the price of a single stamp to $179, or fire 120,000 employees. Scenario B would require congressional approval, so as to get around postal union labor laws — but desperate times, etc. etc.

Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly returned to her show, America Live, on Monday following a three-month maternity leave. Kelly's first order of business? To shame talk radio host Mike Gallagher for calling her maternity leave "a racket." On tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart pointed out that Kelly hasn't always been such a big supporter of moms on maternity leave—and he brought out the archival footage to prove it. Video of the segment is above.

At the height of the Second World War, FDR gave a stirring radio address in which he reassured the American public that "no matter how dark the hour, we can take great comfort in knowing that an overpriced gym chain will eventually capitalize on it a decade later with some self-serving, bullshit coupon they damn well know no one will ever use." And what do you know? History has once again gone and repeated itself. Congrats, New York Sports Clubs! You are true patriots, through and through.

A Mexican drug kingpin who left behind a trail of 600 bodies, many of them dismembered and decapitated, has been arrested. Oscar Garcia, 36, was the leader of The Hand with Eyes — a brutal drug gang responsible for bringing the extreme drug-war violence typically found in northern Mexico into Mexico City and its suburbs.

After similar incidents this summer in Florida and California, now Connecticut is the latest state to fall victim to hidden cameras placed inside Starbucks bathrooms by overcaffeinated voyeurs.