It's now time for a story that restores your faith in mankind, even if it means going all the way to Japan to find it: In the five months since that country's devastating quake and tsunami, almost $78 million in cash has been found amongst the wreckage and turned in.
Jerry Buell, Teacher of the Year at Mount Dora High School north of Orlando, has been suspended pending an investigation into some super-cool comments he made on his Facebook page. The social studies teacher wrote that he "almost threw up" when he heard that same-sex marriage had been legalized in New York. He thinks same-sex marriage is a "cesspool" and a "sin." Rock on, Mister B.! I "like" this! LOL!
Stephen Colbert has spent weeks hoping that Rick Perry would to run for president. Colbert's super PAC even commissioned a pro-Perry TV ad before it did anything else—and before Perry officially entered the race, so it's pretty obvious that he's smitten with the Texas governor. But is the feeling mutual? On tonight's Report, Colbert made a strong argument in the affirmative, as you'll see above.
Before signing off each night, Anderson Cooper concludes AC360 with a segment called the "Ridiculist," during which he comments on some trivial bit of news or pop culture. It's a chance for Cooper to show off his less serious side, but he took things to a whole new level tonight when his own joke about French actor/plane urinator Gérard Depardieu caused him to giggle uncontrollably for a minute or so on live TV. Video of Andy's laughing fit is above.
A frequent commenter on the Shumukh al-Islam internet forum has called for American Muslims to "cut the tongue of this lowly Jew and shut it forever." The lowly Jew they were referring to was that late night nudnik from Indiana, David Letterstein.
On tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart had gay marriage on the mind. Stewart started off by mocking Rick Santorum for the lame analogies he turns to whenever he's asked to explain why he's against same-sex marriage. Stewart's focus then shifted to President Obama's apparent flip-flop on the legality of the anti-gay Defense of Marriage Act. "Ah, the best of both worlds!" said Stewart. "The administration won't defend the indefensible—they will, however, enforce the indefensible."
Look at Charlie the macaque up there. Doesn't he look terrified? Confused? Distraught? He should be. That sweet-looking little girl, 8-year-old Tayce Nickel, has all but administered the lethal injection that will stop the rapid beating of his tiny, simian heart. In return, he probably gave her herpes.
Kim Kardashian's wedding, complete with Justin Bieber and dresses and a cake priced at $20,000+, will be a thoroughly Hollywood affair. But it wouldn't have been possible without Silicon Valley's indulgence.
A Denver suburb has made the preemptive decision to shut off two large fountains outside Dick's Sporting Goods Park — aka "The Dick" — where Phish will play over Labor Day weekend. But Commerce City mayor Paul Natale wants to be clear that this isn't a measure to, say, keep Phish fans from rinsing off their dirty hippie nether-regions during periodic lulls in 79-minute, freestyle versions of "Runaway Jim."
If you veer just outside Washington, DC, you'll find Cheverly, Maryland's Prince George's Hospital Center. And if you veer into the woods just outside the hospital's doors, you'll find... a chupacabra?
We ask that you now stop what you're doing and take a close look at this security video footage, shot 5:25 pm Tuesday at a Dallas Exxon TigerMart. In it, a man wearing a black and white flower dress with white boots, a pair of panties over his face, and what might possibly be an arm accessory fashioned out of yellow police tape, enters the convenience store. He then demands money from the cashier and a patron — pointing what appears to be a gun at them from underneath the dress — and flees with their cash. He is described by Dallas PD as a "white male, 5'05" and weighing 145 lbs," armed with "fabulous legs" and "a fierce, take-no-prisoners attitude." Approach with extreme caution. [Dallas Observer]
Not only did Ashton Kutcher pose for the cover of Details' September issue, he also edited a special "online only" version, out today. Turns out Hollywood's prettiest boytoy is one compromised whore of a magazine editor, directing most of his recommendations and profiles to tech companies he's invested in, with nary a word of disclosure. It's shameless even by Condé Nast standards.
You thought you were done with Carrie B. and her shoe-loving ways, but you are not. Also today: J.Lo is officially in, ABC is maybe out, Sarah Silverman is in-demand, and Katy Perry is the best at being the worst.
Coffee mystery! Asteroid deflection! Earth expansion! Fly paranoia! Acoustic cloaking! Bear strings! Homo sapienism! Smartest insect! And stupid fish are all like, "Which hand makes the 'L?'" It's your Wednesday Science Watch, where we watch science—as best we can!
Maybe it's because parents aren't getting married these days due to the decay of the moral fiber of our nation and with it any chance we had for keeping ourselves on the side of righteousness and god's glory, but man: parents these days sure are dumb. About everything, sure, but specifically about their stupid kids' stupid schools:
Artist Todd White is famous for designing characters who live in a pineapple under the sea. But did he also design an elaborate kidnap and art theft caper in Huntington Beach? Gallerist Margaret Howell has filed a $7.5 million lawsuit accusing "agents of Mr. White" of imprisoning and assaulting her for several hours, stealing $1 million in artwork, forcing her into "reciting a rehearsed and scripted 'consent' into a voice recorder," and then defaming her to associates.
As long as there have been celebrities, there have been celebrities getting arrested, and as long as there have been celebrities getting arrested, there have been celebrity mugshots. But what can we learn from them?
