You hear about this hurricane that's headed up the East Coast? According to a variety of scientific and mathematical calculations, Hurricane Irene might completely drown New York City and much of the Eastern seaboard. It's a dire weather prediction geek-off.

Creative Artists Agency is reportedly discussing opening a Silicon Valley office where tech executives would become "rock stars." And they may start with Biz Stone, the vodka pitchman, Twitter co-founder, AOL adviser, and blogging how-to author. Stone is a good choice, being undistracted as he is with being an actual functioning technology executive.

Erin O'Keefe and Amy Milano are the kinds of proactive, idealistic young adults this country needs a few more of: They saw a challenge — in this case, the world record for slapping someone in the face with a slice of pizza — and said: "Challenge, get out of the way! Erin and Amy are here!" Then they slapped each other in the face with four slices of pizza a combined 174 times in 15 seconds, shattering the previous world record of 0 times in 0 seconds. Don't believe me? Well don't take my word for it: Ready, set, dough! [recordsetter.com via Eater]

"The entire grab was about three seconds, and constant pressure wasn't applied." That was Colorado Sheriff's Deputy Hassan M. Hassan, describing the nut-grabbing maneuver he recently deployed on 22-year-old suspect Samuel Fazio (pictured).

An appeals court overturned a conviction against Eric Kenley, charged with driving the getaway car in two robberies in downtown Manhattan back in 2007. Kenley is a big guy — 6-foot-4, 400 pounds — and as such, fit the eyewitness descriptions of the man they saw at the scene of the crimes: "A huge, big, fat, black guy." When it came time to identify him in a police lineup, however, finding other, huge, big, fat, black guys to stand next to Kenley proved an insurmountable challenge. From the NYP:

Here's a trailer for The Rum Diary, which hits theaters this October. Based on Hunter S. Thompson's novel of the same name, the movie stars Johnny Depp as Paul Kemp, a late '50s NYC journalist/alcoholic who eventually finds himself in the middle of some sort of hotel development scheme down in San Juan. There's also a hot woman. And lots of rum! So basically, it's Pirates of the Caribbean, except without the accents. Or the pirates. [via ET]

As the East Coast braces for Phase Two of God's Late-Summer Reckoning, the shores of Southern California remain sunny, warm, and tranquil. *Cue ominous tuba solo.*

The AP reports that "two dozen gunmen" stormed the Casino Royale in Monterrey, Mexico, doused it in a flammable liquid, and set it ablaze. It's claimed 32 lives so far. We'll go out on a limb and call this drug-related.

The big, scary, speed-popping, Harley-revving, Altamont-terrorizing crime syndicate known as the Hells Angels are angry — and you don't want to see them when they're angry. Because they'll call their lawyers! What they are angry about is this T-shirt, produced by L.A.-based Wildfox Couture, which bears the slogan "My Boyfriend s a Hells Angel."

Did you know Saturday Night Live pays freelancers $100 per joke for Weekend Update? You can't just tie them to a rock and hurl them through an 8th floor window of Rockefeller Center, however. You must first get your name on something called "the fax list," which is a list of standups and comedy writers who have been vetted by a comedy writing establishment hopelessly mired in outdated modes of communication.

Did you hear? Hurricane Irene is going to slam into New York City like Lindsay Lohan slamming into the sidewalk in front of a nightclub. It's going to be horrible! But we're sure you can make it through if you prepare adequately. Here's how.

Once burned, the honey-blonde actress is headed back into the TV world. Also today: another Real World will soon make landfall, a model gets the weirdest role a model could get, and Jamie Lee Curtis is a mixed blessing.

There are states of emergency all up-and-down the East Coast.

We often give popular link-sharing site Reddit a hard time for being a hive of pale overexcitable nerds, but there is one reliably interesting section of the site: Ask Me Anything, where the famous and unknown alike take questions from random commenters. Unfortunately it was just shut down.

Killer vaccines! Sex-crazed kids! Lower cholesterol! Sickening papayas! Laundry cancer! Healthier milk! Brain scans! Marathon beer! And fatty fat babies who need a little shove in the right direction! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dishonestly!

Gagaologists will remember Lady Gaga's Vogue Hommes Japan photoshoot for two major Lady Gaga breakthroughs: The genesis of the meat dress, and the birth of male alter-ego Jo Calderone. Now, a new reason to have Gaga's Japanese photoshoot seared in your mind forever: Test shots of Gaga bond, naked, and looking like she is about to be raped. Yeeeah published them today. (Look out for a contextually terrifying autoplay video ad.) They are somewhat disturbing. Here are a few of them.

Arthur Phillips and Brittany Lurch (ha!) were married on August 18, and set their wedding reception for 5:30pm on August 20th. That same afternoon they walked into a Pennsylvania supermarket, filled their cart with $1,000 worth of food, and walked out without paying. What a way to start a marriage!

We've arrived at the penultimate installment of our effort to piss off absolutely everyone in the nation, which means we're entering the Top Ten Worst States in this gruesome nation. Will your state be found within? Let's find out.

For a whole second time in a matter of weeks, we have footage of robotic old Northeastern Rockefeller Republican Mitt Romney raising his voice, in a public forum. This is not how your governess trained you to behave, Mittens.

The Associated Press checked in with 325 charities founded in the wake of 9/11, many of which are still active. Most of them were doing nice things! But a bunch were doing ethically dubious, borderline fraudulent things, frittering away millions of benevolently bestowed dollars.