Cable news should never try to do comedy, even if a state of emergency has been declared. Here's MSNBC contributor Touré comparing Hurricane Irene to a bad date on Dylan Ratigan this afternoon. She's a "total bitch"—get it?

Right now everyone is griping about Hurricane Irene. "It's ruining my weekend!" "I'm being evacuated!" "This is the worst!" Oh, shut up, everyone. This hurricane is going to be great! Here's why.

The world's most famous atheist, Richard Dawkins, apparently recovered from the unpleasant Elevatorgate business, took to the pages of the Washington Post this week to say nasty things about Rick Perry.

There are a bunch of easy, stupid, reflexive comments that people often make in an attempt to be funny. Although none of them are funny at all, there's one knee-jerk chuckle-chaser that really pisses me off.

Everyone is flipping out about this damn hurricane that's going to batter the East Coast either tomorrow or Sunday. Have you evacuated? If so, where are you headed? If not, what are you gonna do? Let us know.

Puerto Rico's Anthony Weiner is much more thrilling than ours: Last week, images from Puerto Rican senator and GOP cheerleader Roberto Arango's alleged profile on gay hook-up app Grindr surfaced. When a Puerto Rican TV show confronted him, Arango neither confirmed nor denied making the profile but offered this excuse:

The clock is ticking as residents along the East Coast prepare to suffer the wrath of Hurricane Irene. Will it actually be as bad as everyone is saying? As you can see from these photos, lots of people are taking the "better safe than sorry" approach. So fire up your "Come on Irene" jokes (if you're the sort of person who would make one of those), board up all the windows, and prepare to loot your nearest grocery store. Irene is upon us!

Hurricane Irene is churning up the East Coast like an angry 17th-century dairy maid. Obama has canceled his vacation to make us feel safe and evacuations are underway in New York City. Here's the latest news, with updates below.

The golden age of anonymous corporate elevator Twitter accounts is ending. It lasted about a week. After @CondeElevator closed down operations because "This got really crazy. Love my job," a series of knock-off elevator Twitter accounts launched. The only worthwhile one was @GSElevator, tweeting overheard conversations from Goldman Sachs branches the world around. According to Page Six, the company's notorious rigid management has "kicked off an internal probe" on the matter. After reportedly trying—and failing—to get Twitter to freeze the account, Goldman is now "investigating who is behind it. They believe it is an intern or a young gun, but there are enough facts on the feed for bosses to suspect it is someone with access inside the company."

Well, we have reached the end! Last week we set out to list the 50 worst states in America in an ascending list of their worstness, and that's just what we've done. Come run the victory lap with us, please.

The most wonderful thing about the eight subjects of the most important sociological experiment of our time is that they are extremely bonded to each other but also constantly at odds. Then last night one of our experimental monkeys turned into a rage-filled super gorilla of death.

This hurricane thing is really happening: New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has ordered a mandatory evacuation of New Yorkers in low-lying zones, while the MTA will shut down subway service at 2pm Saturday.

Anthony Weiner and improbably patient wife Huma Abedin are on an "Italian babymoon," which is when you take time off work to hang out atop an Italian baby's butt. Haha, just kidding, it's when you celebrate the fact that your wife is five months pregnant and still married to you, even though you are a exhibitionist idiot who has showed his penis to half of the planet while she was carrying your first child in her womb. By going to Italy.

President Obama will end his Martha's Vineyard vacation a day short and return to Washington, to monitor mean old Hurricane Irene. Are you happy now? Are you happy he's ending his vacation to play National Daddy? Glad you're happy.

Hey look! The good folks on Fox and Friends did a segment on Gawker this morning, for no apparent reason at all, claiming (falsely!) that our traffic is down 75%.

Last October, the Obama administration announced a plan to place "photovoltaic solar collectors and a solar hot water heater" atop the White House roof, where panels haven't been since that jerk Ronald Reagan ripped off the ones that Jimmy Carter installed. The goal was to have them installed by the beginning of this summer. They are nowhere to be seen. We demand our symbolic acknowledgement of alternative energy now!

Here is a striking example of how detached from reality British authorities' post-riot social media crackdown is. The cop in charge of their social media efforts suggested that Twitter could force people to use their real names on the service. Has he ever been on Twitter?

"Ladies and gentlemen," 700 Club televangelist Pat Robertson tells us before delivering the clip we've all been expecting for several days. "I don't want to get weird on this so please take it for what it's worth." Dude, you use disclaimers now to preface your latest comical religious explanations for natural disasters, in the case the Great D.C. Earthquake? Please show some spine to support all that bullshit, Pat.

An inebriated Ashlee begs Pete to take her back. Mariah Carey's kids have diamond-encrusted diaper pins. Minka and Jeter break up. Emma Watson moves in with a lover, and so does Pippa Middleton, and so does Alec Baldwin. Friday gossip splits the rent.

This funny man went berserk on set after a three-day drug binge. This star is getting a divorce. And this famous couple is breaking up over failed fertility treatments. Even that type of drug binge is dangerous.