The man who used to run Google, Eric Schmidt, deleted almost every email immediately after reading it. His successor, Larry Page is an outspoken proponent of hoarding email. In whose inbox do you think the feds recently found incriminating evidence?

Whether it was to see Lady Gaga's performance, Jay-Z and Kanye West's duet, or to see Britney Spears' preternaturally early career retrospective, 12.4 million people watch the MTV Video Music Awards last night, the highest ratings in the network's history. Congratulations, but at 30 years old, the network is well past its own target demographic.

Sure, at one time or another we've all wanted to hurl our annoying child into to the violent sea's foamy maw, where no amount of petulant whining will save them from Poseidon's cold embrace. Particularly on one of those "sightseeing cruises." Ugh, have you been subjected to those? Talk about Supposedly Fun Things I'll Never Do Again, amirite? It's enough to make anyone cast their spawn into the deep. Still, you shouldn't.

While Beyonce was announcing her pregnancy last night, little sister and hipster foil Solange Knowles was in a surrealist, possibly racist brawl with the Miami Beach police force. It all started when Solange tried to carry a five-foot inflatable banana into a nightclub.

Some rather strange footage of Michele Bachmann began circulating over the weekend in which she appears at first glance—and with the help of the uploader's captions!—to be asking the crowd, "Who likes white people?" Hot dog, what a racist that Michele Bachmann is! But the video, like 99% of the Internet, is a cruel hoax.

Hopefully no one plans to leave downtown San Francisco this evening, because the whole area is set to be consumed in an angry four-way rage fest over the BART subway system, a fest that now includes a counterprotest in support of a BART official whose nude photo was leaked by protesters.

As the East Coast continues to clean up after the colossal let down of "Hurricane" Irene, at least there is one good thing that came out of the the days of food-hoarding, transit shutdowns, and watching Soapdish on Netflix Streaming (OK, Soapdish was a very good thing). Here's a great video of the wet and desolate city during the storm.

Jolly radio idiot Rush Limbaugh was in shock after Hurricane Irene didn't end up killing everyone on the eastern seaboard, and that the damage it did cause has been mostly well-managed by federal, state and local authorities. What's a Limbaugh to say about these generally positive developments? How about... Obama probably wanted the hurricane to be worse! Sure, say that.

Don't be deceived. Despite his attendance at not one, but two extremely not-Muslim Christian churches, as well as his constant cavorting with the New Apostolic Reformation, Rick Perry is basically Osama bin Laden in cowboy drag.

Puerto Rico Sen. Roberto Arango resigned last night following a sex scandal involving images from his profile on gay hook-up site Grindr.

During the most important sociological experiment of our time, the evil "Love Ballad of Sammi & Ronnie" played again. They're together, they're apart, they're together, they're apart. Ugh! And then The Situation got beat up.

Here's a short first-glimpse of The Hunger Games, a clip which debuted during last night's candy-colored funeral for music, MTV's VMAs ceremony. It's brief, but exciting!

Wha—? Maybe—? No, I have no idea, I'm not going to bother trying to evaluate. This surreal video apparently shows a pair of National Guard trucks driving down the street in Manville, NJ, fully submerged in water. At the end of the video, camo-uniformed guardsmen climb out the windows and onto the vehicles' roofs. As the increasingly annoying cameraman wonders, "How is that possible?"

It's a day of the year, which means it's time for an online media outlet to produce a listicle of colleges, ranked upon some wacky basis! The Daily Beast tries to cover every conceivable college listicle angle today—but they stop after ranking only the categories of Best International Schools, Best Party Schools, Most Beautiful, Happiest, Brainiacs, Activists, Best Food, Future CEOs, Artistic, Least Rigorous, Cheapest, Return on Investment, Most Rigorous, Free-Spirited, Horniest, Gay-Friendly, Best Weather, Computer Geeks, Accessible Professors, Future Politicians, Greenest, and Foreign Students.

Last week our nation's crack political investigators broke some big news: Mitt Romney was quadrupling the size of his La Jolla, California beach house. Quadrupling means "times four," did you know? Oh, campaign news is so cute. Without this story, we never would have known, or been able to determine from his mannerisms, that Mitt Romney was a rich person.

Hollywood child bride Courtney Stodden turns 17 today, reducing the age gap with her creepy actor husband Doug Hutchison to a mere 34 years. Doug gave Courtney a shopping spree at Victoria's Secret and a trip to Disneyland for her birthday.

People inadvertently put things on the internet they don't want revealed all the time. But you'd think Julian Assange would avoid such an amateur mistake. Not so: He accidentally uploaded all of his precious State Department cables, unredacted, to the internet.

Last night's episode of The Sisters Pose 'n' Swag was basically about the same old fights as always. Well, the issues were the same, but the circumstances were different. Also, Juicy Joe fell down.

At last night's MTV VMAs, Justin Bieber debuted his new pet, a flesh-colored snake named Johnson. Is this standard-issue horny boy juvenilia, or has Bieber taken a turn for the Jacko? "I have a snake," the adolescent male says, extending his Johnson to his girlfriend. "Stop!" the nubile female cries, pushing the fleshy mound away. "I know." [Video via MTV]

So a full eight years ago, then-Sen. Rick Santorum made an offensive slippery-slope argument with regards to legalizing gay marriage and how it would lead to constant bestiality everywhere. Some folks on the Internet responded by pulling a Google prank that forever links his name to frothy anal discharge. But this doesn't still bother Santorum, does it? Railing against it isn't, say, a part of his stump presence nowadays?