If you're going to try and figure out the current status of Jude Law and Sienna Miller's relationship, you might as well ask your neurologist to stab you in the brain with a Phillips-head screwdriver and save yourself some time. People collects a denial about the latest British tabloid report on the nanny-punishing pretty boy and his humiliated ladyfriend:

At Sunday's premiere for Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story, precocious star Dakota Fanning could be heard whispering some encouragement to her red carpet date: Listen, motherfucker, this is my day! You hear me? MY day. Just keep your head down and no one gets hurt. If I can wipe my ass with DeNiro and Cruise, think of what I could do to a D-list ungulate like you. Nothing to say? Yeah, that's what I thought.

· Joe "Narc and Five Minutes on Mission: Impossible 3" Carnahan will co-write and direct a film about 17 year-old, boy-next-door prodigy/drug kingpin Will Wright. The project is described as a "a crooked coming-of-age tale in the style of Catch Me if You Can." Somewhere, Leonardo DiCaprio is shaving his entire body and re-learning how to make his voice crack. [Variety]
· Warner Bros. is testing a digital film distribution and exhibition system in Japan; if all goes well, movies will be transmitted to the black market over 400 percent faster than previously possible. [THR]
· Warner Independent refuses to release the Strangers with Candy movie over fear that the producers didn't secure all the needed rights; insiders suspect that Warner Bros is still crapping its pants over a $17.5 million hit they took over a similar Dukes of Hazzard issue. We suspect that the movie is too awesome to ever see the light of day. [Variety]
· In the most confusing ratings report we've ever read, it seems that everyone did well on Monday night. [THR]
· British tabloids continue to exhaust the world with talk that Daniel Craig will become the first "Blond Bond," news that would finally crush Hugh Jackman's dream of being the first "Don't Ask, Don't Tell Bond." [Variety]

Today's NY Times follows up Friday's announcement by ABC that the network was replacing Commander in Chief series creator/showrunner Rod Lurie with omnipresent TV deity Steven Bochco with a report that the move was made because of "production delays":

Even achieving the advanced level of OT-VII can't insulate Tom Cruise from piddling, mortal concerns like the near-constant conflict between the famous and the paparazzi. The Scoop discusses an "altercation" involving an aggressive lensman who followed Cruise to the mothership and a Celebrity Centre drone last week:

[Ed.note—Update after the jump.] It's way too early for us to determine whether this site touting Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt, an energy drink available in delicious "Cherry Charge" and "Asian Experience" [!] flavors, is a brilliant hoax or the greatest marriage of washed-up actor and consumer product ever conceived. To wit, from the drink's website:

· Just as we'd feared, the director of Waiting's feud with Luis Guzman was just a publicity stunt, a ruse, a flim-flam job. If you believed their fight was genuine, you officially have permission to feel used and/or dirty.
· You may no longer bid on Britney Spears' jewel-encrusted bra, but feel free to rummage through her trash in search of disgarded panties, sickie.
· We always thought it would be Gargamel, not UNICEF, who firebombed the Smurf village. We were so smurfin' wrong. [via BoingBoing]
· If Ashlee Simpon's handlers had any sense, they would've staged another lipsyncing incident. Now that she actually performed her song on SNL, people can go back to not giving a shit about her.
· Billy Joel: Furniture polish looks "tastier than bleach."

· Sort-of Holiday Music Round-Up: TV on the Radio at the Troubadour, Tracy Chapman at the Roxy; Doves at the House of Blues in Anaheim; Colored Shadows (the latest free Monday night show residents) at Spaceland.
· More music: Fotogenic's Anti-Event, which Flavorpill describes as "the perfect mix of cool under-the-radar bands, sweet visuals, and DJ interludes," features cherished genius/nutjob Kennedy tonight at Cinespace.
· AFI is screening Atom Egoyan's Where the Truth Lies at the ArcLight; the Very Special post-show Q&A will feature the director and two of the movie's infamous, NC-17-earning three-way participants, Kevin Bacon and Rachel Blanchard.

Determining that nine months of strapping pillows of increasing size to Katie Holmes' abdomen was ultimately more trouble than it was worth, Tom Cruise and his virgin bride-to-be decided to accelerate the process of their sham parenthood, paying $2 million in cash on the spot to take home this 10 year-old boy from a local soccer game. A jubilant press release announcing this miraculous addition to the family is expected early Tuesday.

· Edward Norton and Brad Pitt will produce a 10-part miniseries for HBO and National Geographic based on a Stephen Ambrose book on Lewis and Clark. Norton will direct at least one of the episodes, with Brad Pitt set to pretend he'd heard of Lewis and Clark before he was presented with the project. [Variety]
· 20th Century Fox TV signs Antoine Fuqua to an exclusive television directing deal, hoping that the director can translate some of the magic of King Arthur and the last half-hour of Training Day to the small screen. [THR]
· CBS wins a "fierce bidding war" for the sitcom Class, about a "group of eight twentysomethings who were all in the same third-grade class 20 years ago. Most of the group doesn't keep in touch or even remember one another. They're brought together again by happenstance when one of them throws a surprise anniversary party for his girlfriend — whom he met in the third grade." High concept enough for you? No? Bam: There's "no one living room where they gather." Welcome to the age of the multiple-couch sitcom. [Variety]
· Not to put too fine a point on it, but ABC continues to make all Sunday night competition its bitch. [THR]
· Gwyneth Paltrow will star in The Good Night, a film directed by her brother and shooting mostly in London, mercifully keeping the Bride of Coldplay away from America for a little while longer. [Variety]

Score the latest round of the Great Celebrity-Paparazzi War for Team Rich N' Famous, as Reese Witherspoon's Disneyland photographer-assailant was charged with various acts of toddler-bashing while trying to snap Witherspoon in the Magic Kingdom:

The celebration of Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit's box office win was tragically short-lived, as a fire decimated a warehouse containing the "entire history" of W&G's production company:

Welcome to this special, "Wait, Today's a Holiday?" edition of Monday Morning Box Office:

BritneySpears.com is filtering out obvious nasty comments about Britney's newborn, but more cleverly worded (or frighteningly sincere) ones are still getting through. God bless you, internets, for all the joy your bring.
· Waiting director Rob McKittrick posts some highly entertaining footage of an on-set feud with actor Luis Guzman on his blog. Coincidentally, Waiting comes out today. Oh, look at how cynical we are! Why can't we just enjoy a good pissing match and shut the f up?
· Sex offenders, beware Oprah's vigilante justice.
· Grab a box of tissues, you're about to become a blubbering mess: Lindsay Lohan's jailbird dad loves her heartfelt song about how he destroyed their family.
· The You Can't Make It Up blog offers up some celebrity emoticons. The Tara Reid one is our fave.

Friday
· Scots Rule The Night Round-Up: Idlewild at the El Rey, Franz Ferdinand at the Greek (with non-Scots TV on the Radio, with a second show on Saturday night).
· Actor Michael York (you may know him as Basil Exposition from Austin Powers movies) reads from his book Are My Blinkers Showing?: Adventures in Filmmaking in the New Russia at Book Soup.
Saturday
· Black Rebel Motorcycle Club plays the Henry Fonda. It's also acceptable to refer to them as BRMC, but only if you're comfortable with sounding like an indie rock jackass.
· The Key Club hosts Fashion with Compassion, a fashion show of cruelty-free clothes to help stop animal abuse . And because all of the human victims of Hurricane Katrina have been taken care of, a portion of the proceeds will go to help the animal affected by the disaster.
Sunday
· Selma Blair and Jon Favreau will make mingle and make nice with the potential audiences for their upcoming movies at the Los Angeles Comic Book and Science Fiction Convention at the Shrine Auditorium. Proposed topic for small talk: Kirk and Spock sharing a bubble bath.

THR reported a little while ago (no BREAKING tag, however) that Steven "Pick A TV Show At Random...Yeah, That Was Mine" Bochco is taking over showrunning duties on ABC's Commander-in-Chief from series creator Rod Lurie, with Lurie downshifting into the inevitable "development duties":

Kate Moss can't catch a break. The beleaguered model has endured a hasty trip to rehab, the loss of lucrative modeling contracts, and even the unbidden support of Sharon Stone. But now, the release of another shocking cocaine video threatens to commence yet another trying cycle of public humiliation and psychic pain. Good thing it looks like she's been working out—she's going to need all her strength to survive this latest trial.

As the sweet release of the weekend draws ever closer, drown your sack of cubicle-blues kittens in the swift river of our box office projections:

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