With nary a junk-dangling scandal or behind-the-scenes instance of hair-yanking bitch-slappery on the horizon, publicists for Desperate Housewives can rest easy, pleased that the show's in-house lightning rods for controversy will keep them in the papers as we approach Thanksgiving. Yesterday, we reported Eva Longoria's cheery holiday greetings to a parking attendant, and this morning, Teri Hatcher chipped in by suing a British tabloid for painting her as some kind of hippie nyphomaniac:

· Kate Moss jumps around to music, topless, then falls down. 'Nuff said.
· Blame boredom, blame out-of-control teenage hormones, blame a Kim Catrall marathon on TNT. But whatever you do, don't blame the mannequin. It's merely a victim.
· Feature Films for Families is trying to improve Hollywood's lax morality, one annoying telemarketing call at a time.
· 50 Cent encourages parents to use his ultraviolent video game as a teaching tool. With schools all over the country dropping essential "Vigilante Execution of Drug Dealers" coursework from the curriculum in favor of useless sports and fine arts programs, he's got a point.
· Desperate Housewives' gay-seeming, budding serial-killer pharmacist writes a prescription—for creepiness.

When it comes to setting a firm wedding date with Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise is very much of the "what's the rush?" philosophy. Gone are the devil may care couch acrobatics of yestermonth. Instead, we find a new, measured Tom, a Tom of reason, who before making any rash "official" gestures, appears to be taking the wait-and-see approach to the little bundle of, um, something on the way.

It should be said that when she isn't shouting marching orders from her palace balcony to a sea of tiny Cambodian fists raised skyward, Angelina Jolie takes her role as U.N. goodwill ambassador very seriously. After attending a recent briefing with Brad Pitt, the couple announced to reporters they would be travelling to Pakistan to raise much needed awareness to the plight of quake survivors unprepared for the coming winter. But enough with the boring logistics tell us, Reuters, what were they wearing?

· Comedy Death-Ray celebrates its 150th show with the Comedians of Comedy Thanksgiving Special, featuring usual miscreants Maria Bamford, Zach Galifianakis, and Patton Oswalt at the UCB Theater. Looks like the show's sold out, but we think they're taking names for standby before the show.
· Tuesday music round-up: Deerhoof at the Echo; Animal Collective at the El Rey; The High Dials at Spaceland.
· The montly Grindhouse Film Festival at the New Beverly attempts to instill dread of both local stranglers and houses with, naturally, The Hollywood Hillside Strangler and Don't Go in the House.

Thanksgiving came early for one lucky parking attendant near the Toluca Lake Koo Koo Roo today, when a Desperate Housewives cast member went out of her way to make sure he was mindful of the holiday season:

Sadly, 'world's ugliest dog' Sam, who won our hearts while ruining our appetites, has passed. The story of how he went from ASPCA euthanasia-row to the toast of late night television is as uplifting a Hollywood success story as you are likely to come by:

If there's one awards season storyline threatening to challenge Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger's column-inches crown for overcoming the cooties to honestly portray the love between a pair of Oscar-baiting gay cowboys, it might be George Clooney's vanity-free willingness to obscure his six-pack for his role in Syriana:

· Networks and studios mull possibility of "suing the living shit" out of TiVo for allowing users to transfer recorded programs to their iPods or PSPs, at least until they figure out how to cut themselves in on the action. [Variety]
· Testifying before a panel of Senators at the Museum of TV and Radio in Beverly Hills, MPAA head Dan Glickman blamed the Chinese government's restrictions on foreign entertainment product for creating "a marketplace vacuum that pirates are only too happy to fill." Glickman then implored the Senators to launch an immediate nuclear strike on the nation to "wipe out Chinese counterfeit DVDs...forever!" [THR]
· Confident that housewives will welcome a break from the relentless presentation of cheap, made-for-TV movies about domestic violence and eating disorders, Lifetime shells out over $1.35 million an episode for Medium reruns. [Variety]
· Hillary Clinton's presentation of an award to the most powerful woman in the world (Oprah, duh) brings welcome buzz to the International Emmy Awards. [Variety]
· NBC Universal demotes struggling network Trio to broadband, still working on the technology that will allow them to upload struggling president Kevin Reilly onto one of its new servers. [THR]

Barbara Walters once asked Ricky Martin point blank if he was gay. He immediately became uncomfortable, mentioning his nieces, and his mother at the beauty parlor, and in the end, he opted not to answer the question at all, because, "You know, it's, it's something so mine."

Hollywood is still holding its breath as it awaits indictments in the Anthony Pellicano Wiretapping Trial of the Century. Radar Online reports that the wait could be over very soon, giving the town something to chatter about over turkey and stuffing:

Jolie could barely suppress a delighted cackle as she greedily thumbed through the pristine pages of her new passport, for she knew that her 20,000 square foot gingerbread palace on the edge of a village just outside Phnom Penh was nearing completion, and soon (so soon), the children would come. All of them. Within a year, her pint-sized rebel army, simultaneously adorable and terrifying in their matching mohawks, would be properly trained, and after a short march to the capital, all of Cambodia would be hers.

It's difficult to know when the time is right to intervene on a famous friend or relative who might be showing signs of addiction, as many of the traditional symptoms unusual flare-ups or outbreaks of temper, wearing of sunglasses at inappropriate times, association with known substance abusers are considered de rigueur behavior for your status quo Hollywood actress. But there is one sign that is a sure giveaway that things have gotten way out of hand: hanging out with Tara Reid.

When we wrote about Brittany Murphy's surprise separation from ICM and Brillstein-Grey last week, we noted that her "people" had been reduced to a publicist. As it turns out, Murphy's legal team, headed by Hollywood's Other Scary Lawyer, Martin Singer, was loyal to the end. We've received a very long, none-too-pleased letter (funny how that works when you bill by the hour) denying that Murphy is "Jordache Junky," the star of a Ted Casablanca blind item and our readers' most-guessed actress in our Blind Item Guessing Game, and that Murphy was dumped by ICM and Brillstein-Grey.

· "Schuth has said he fantasized about being married to 'Alias' star Jennifer Garner. At his sentencing, he said: 'I apologize to Jennifer Garner and her pool boy Ben Affleck for involving them in my fantasies.'" Amazingly, this is the least troubling part of the story.
· Michael Eisner showed his impeccable instincts by hating Johnny Depp's soused, Keith Richards-flavored performance in Pirates of the Caribbean . As it turns out, Eisner's fears were unfounded, and Depp did not ruin the film.
· Wanna see a turntable covered in blow? Of course you do.
· Pamela Anderson is shocked—shocked!—that the producers of Stacked, a sitcom with a title that puns on her prodigious, man-made rack, would dress her in clothes that showcase said factory-installed mams. Shocked!
· Jessica Simpson is photographed sans wedding ring, sans Lachey-unit, but with some other guy at a movie. These are all signs of a completely healthy, not at all maintained-solely-for-appearances union.

· Monday night music round-up: (The amazing) Neko Case at Barnsdall Art Park's Gallery Theater; Let's Go Sailing at Tangier; Depeche Mode at the Staples Center, which may explain why we've heard "People are People" on the radio a hundred times in the last couple of days.
· The Writers Bloc puts New York Times columnist/Are Men Necessary? author Maureen Dowd in the same room with West Wing creator Aaron Sorkin at Temple Emanuel, dares someone in the crowd to strike a match and ignite the highly combustible sexual tension.
· Atelier Zero screens John Waters’ Polyester at Art Share Los Angeles in downtown LA. First 15 visitors will get the "famous Odorama scratch-and-sniff card" for the screening, just in case one's ever wondered what Divine's perfume smelled like.

The Franklin Avenue blog clued us into a press release touting an exclusive interview on tonight's Access Hollywood with Lionel Richie, who will directly address the disquieting fact that daughter Nicole appears to be one hanging roller stand away from becoming a biology class visual aid:

It seems like we've been sounding the death knell for Amanda Scheer Demme's Taj Mahal of Unrepentant Starfucking, the Roosevelt Hotel's Tropicana Bar, for months now. A Defamer operative reports that Demme's poolside cauldron of Hollywood nightlife evil might finally have bubbled over, flooding the place with a D-list potion so unfashionably potent that none could escape unscathed.

The LA Times ran its first article on Girls Gone Wild impresario Joe Francis' videotaped forced humiliation and blackmail attempt today. And while they tiptoe around the more colorful and battery-operated assault details, one crucial, huge relief of a fact does emerge:

· ABC climbs quickly back in bed with recently ousted Commander in Chief creator/showrunner Rod Lurie, who will get to write and direct the second installment of his planned "Improbable Office-Holders" trilogy with Triumph, the story of an 18 year old mayor. Should the pilot get a series order, ABC and the strong-willed Lurie plan on parting bitterly after the third episode, in which the manchild mayor loses his virginity to an entire brothelful of prostitutes. [Variety]
· Jessica Simpson is in negotiations to star with Dane Cook in Lions Gate's Employee of the Month. Simpson's father/manager is getting a producing credit, and a healthy bonus awaits if he can maintain the illusion that his daughter's marriage is still intact while simultaneously feeding rumors of an affair with her co-star to US Weekly. [THR]
· Ashton Kutcher's Katalyst sets up the reincarnation pilot For Pete's Sake at NBC. Producing partner Jason Goldberg notes Kutcher's personal stamp on the project: in their world, celebrities automatically get into heaven. Indeed, no one could possibly doubt Kutcher's involvement now that he's turning the afterlife into the Spider Club. [Variety]
· Not even NBC's potent Poseidon Adventure triumvirate of Adam Baldwin, Rutger Hauer, and Steve Guttenberg could get within spitting distance of the ABC Sunday night Nielsen wrecking ball, making the Guttenberg/Patrick Dempsey Police Academy/Loverboy face-off somewhat anticlimactic. [THR]
· CBS will pit underemployed, fading celebrities against each other in classic gameshows for an American version of British hit Gameshow Marathon. The public will certainly clamor to watch a third season Survivor loser and Brad Garrett match wits in a heated Card Sharks contest. [Variety]