No one was certain it was him, until a faint, muted "HEEhee" emerged from under the layers on black fabric. Yes, that was indeed displaced despot of pop Michael Jackson, who just a few months ago was found applying makeup in a public woman's restroom, leaving a Bahraini mall in a traditional Arab woman's gown and veil, accompanied by three children wrapped in dark scarves who best case scenario were assumed to be his own children:

As you probably all know by now, actor Chris Penn passed yesterday. The above photo from a Reuters obit features "actor Chris Penn (R) and an unidentified actor." Without too much squinting, you should be able to discern that "unidentified actor" is obscure character actor Christian Slater, Penn's castmate in Masked and Anonymous, who was last seen trying to segue into the more lucrative field of cameraphone movie trailer piracy.

In perhaps the shortest Hollywood obit we've ever seen, the AP reports that Chris Penn has died:

· We thought that there was no new territory to mine in Brokeback Mountain parodies, but Brokeback Squadron, the unforgettable tale of a couple of hotshot pilots' forbidden love, can be our wingman any time.
· The Blowing Smoke blog gets an advance look at The CW's Fall schedule.
· The very brave Brooke Shields risks Tom Cruise's renewed wrath by preparing to bring yet another child into the world.
· Meanwhile in other baby-related news, Meg "America's Sweetheart, Before All The Chilling Plastic Surgery" Ryan gets it all wrong by adopting a Chinese baby. You're supposed to go Cambodian, Meg. Have you learned nothing from Angelina?
· Meanwhile In other Angelina Jolie-related news, Film Stew says Jolie extorted People into giving money to charity in exchange for bump pics.
· ABC's Steve McPherson has the hots for John Stamos, but might lose him to NBC's Kevin Reilly.

The birth of something as rare as a broadcast network is a mostly happy occasion, even if the mother dies from the exertion of pushing the baby through the birth canal of joint corporate sponsorship, and the OB/GYN suddenly produces a snub-nose revolver and guns down the proud father while he turns to pass out cigars. (We dream-cast Les Moonves in the doctor role, of course.) After all, a new life is created, whatever the human cost. Completing our trifecta of The CW announcement memos, The WB chairman Garth Ancier (who won't be joining the new network, funny that) takes some of his soon-to-be human cost for a stroll down Memory Lane, and reminds them that there is work to be done, right up until the the Guillotine of Downsizing's shiny blade sends their heads tumbling down the street into the Burbank traffic:

With the kind of David vs. Goliath spirit that turned Super Size Me into a Sundance festival hit and a giant pain in McDonald's ass just a few years ago, many eyes are on Kirby Dick's 2006 Sundance doc offering, This Film Is Not Yet Rated, which takes on another unchallenged American institution: the MPAA's ratings system.

· Craig Newmark, the guy who created everyone's favorite place for finding concert tickets, a new assistant, or a blowjob in a Sony lot bathroom, stops by for a chat with Thomas Goetz of WIRED at the Central Library's Mark Taper Auditorium.
· Music round-up, Tuesday night style: Imogen Heap at the El Rey; Josh Rouse at the Troubadour; for those who like their music a little angrier, Disturbed is at the House of Blues on Sunset.
· The Greg Proops Chat Show, hosted by the bespectacled funnymaker of the same name, lands John C. Reilly and Jon Brion for an evening at Largo.

It's been almost a month since Lazy Sunday, a no-budget short featuring two goofy white guys laying angry rhymes about catching a matinee of the Chronicles of Narnia and boasting about how many cupcakes they could eat, debuted on SNL. It instantly went internet viral, catapulting star Andy Samberg to the next level (in the SNL pecking order, at least), and minting a Jew-nerd sex symbol in the process.

Finally, closure: After some aggressive flirtation, Disney's Robert Iger and Pixar's Steve Jobs were finally permitted by their respective boards to succumb to their mutual lust, shed their inhibitions, and fall into Jobs' rotating, Mickey-shaped waterbed in a tangle of mouse ears and iPod accessories to "complete the transaction." The two companies have announced that Disney will swallow up longtime hitmaking partner Pixar. and the pair shared a sweet, postcoital cigarette to celebrate the love that once seemed all but snuffed out by a sour break-up with former Disney boss Michael Eisner:

Perhaps only one thing could strike more fear in our hearts than a hungover movie exec working out the stress of a failed Sundance bidding war by barrelling down a mountain on a snowboard: Paris Hilton working out the stress of haunting the gifting suites by barreling down a mountain (and probably trailed by a Greek shipping billionaire, a chihuahua, and a monkey on matching snowboards). A reader snapped Hilton taking a break from gathering bags full of free cellphones and doing slalom shots on Main Street, and offered this report:

We haven't sat down with the ladies of The View in a while to get their diverse (i.e. pre- and post-menopausal) take on the world. From what we hear, however, they are still fearlessly tackling the big issues head-on. For example, take this reader report of a spirited debate on today's show about the gender-specific incriminating properties of ejaculate:

· Disney may announce an acquisition of Pixar today, with Steve Jobs possibly appearing before the press to laugh maniacally, urinate on a picture of former CEO Michael Eisner, and light the drenched photo on fire. [Variety]
· Sundance deals: Warner Independent makes second major buy of Sundance, getting Michel Gondry's The Science of Sleep. Meanwhile, negotiations are ongoing for The Illusionist and The Night Listener. [Variety]
· Another deal at the Dance: Weinstein Co, acquires the rights to Factory Girl, starring Sienna Miller, and once starring Katie Holmes. [THR]
· In case you struck your head on the watercooler and have been unconscious for the last couple of hours, The WB and UPN will donate their souls to a new network, The CW. [Variety, THR]
· Dodgeball writer Rawson Marshall Thurber's experience with writing characters with funny mustaches pays off, as he's signed on to script Universal's Magnum P.I. adaptation. Thurber is apparently not opting for a Starsky & Hutch-esque spoof, so perhaps the Ferrell/Wilson/Stiller/Vaughn cadre won't get to wear the iconic Tigers cap. [THR]

The first glimpses of the product of Nicholas Cage and his sushi waitress bride Alice Kim's loins, Kal-el, have hit the internets, and we are thrilled to report the adorable little tyke has inherited none of his father's perpetually mopey features. Not moments after his delivery, the aptly named Kal-El Superman's Kryptonian name began showing superhuman signs, yanking off his own umbilical cord and flying directly out of the nurse's hands and onto his mother's nipple. Above, Kal-El is dressed for a Beverly Hills outing in his trademark baby blue costume (not pictured is a red diaper with yellow elastic trim); when mom got a little too friendly with the hostess at a local cafe, baby K used his newly discovered super breath to blow the chatty serviceperson away.

A drunkenly tapped out entry in our Sundance memo list reading "chk katie sex missing" suddenly seems a lot less cryptic, as many outlets are reporting (here's LAist's) that Katie Holmes' Thank Your For Smoking sex scene was "mysteriously" cut from the festival's print. Naturally, this lead to much conspiracy theory talk, but the (official) explanation was ultimately mundane. From the LAT:

CBS Corp.'s Les Moonves wasn't the only executive pausing from calculating the value of his stock options long enough to send out a company-wide memo expressing a complex mix of excitement and sadness over the formation of The CW. Warner Bros. chairman/CEO Barry Meyer also issued an obligatory missive this morning, sealed with a kiss and a generous helping of execu-praise. Note his use of "bittersweet," an obvious code word for "you have probably lost your job by the time you finish reading this e-mail":

This morning, Time Warner and CBS Corp. announced plans to merge their fledgling netlets, The WB and UPN, into one mega-fledgling netlet, The CW. (Even after a shocking merger, they couldn't shake the definite article fetish.) The mind reels at the programming possibilities offered by the new, urban-skewing, teen-obsessed, soon-to-be perennially fifth place network, with Might See TV blocks of Everybody Hates Chris and Reba, and special crossover episodes featuring Smallville's young Superman rescuing his new Girlfriends from perilously sassy situations. In an e-mail to all CBS Corp. employees, CEO/eater-of-network-worlds Les Moonves pauses in the middle of the celebratory champagne shower to recognize the passing of UPN, and to foreshadow the corporate dry-heaves to follow:

It's every celebrity's darkest nightmare: One moment, you are peeling down the PCH in a Ferrari with your brother, tapping your foot to your aspiring rapper husband's latest demo blaring through the speakers ("Don't even/Yo/Don't even/Yeah...No, no"), when car trouble suddenly finds you stalled dangerously in the middle of the highway, easy prey for the swarm of paparazzi hot on your tail. This was exactly the fate that befell pop temptress Britney Spears and her brother Bryan on Sunday (baby Sean Preston was supposed to be at home with daddy Kevin Federline, though corroborative eyewitness reports last spotted the infant crawling solo through the razor wire fence of a local power facility).

We should've known that our absurdly ambitious plan to correct our movie/party ratio by seeing four movies back-to-back-to-back-to-back yesterday was too crazy too succeed. We made it through the first two before Fate intervened and demanded that we return home to L.A. immediately because of a personal matter, which our publicist suggested we refer to only as a "severe allergy to hottub chlorine."

· For those of you who may have missed it: Drew Barrymore's totally unfunny and yet somehow enjoyable Weekend Update SNL appearance.
· Wikipedia offers a list of movies in order of "fucks per minute."
· American Idol judges are being called out for the sadistic pleasure they take in humiliating effeminate contestants, as the fugitive half of the show's criminal twins turns himself in. Welcome to America's #1 source of family entertainment!
· Patrick Dempsey isn't a real doctor, but he plays one on TV.
· Mark Cuban responds to the growing controversy over the multi-platformed release of Steven Soderbergh's Bubble. [via Boing Boing]
· Floating pooch!
· One final note: Mark ran into some difficulties posting today, but we should have more Sundance man-on-the-scene coverage for you tomorrow.

· Monday night music: The Dents at Spaceland, Brandi Carlile at the Troubadour, and Vetiver at The Echo.
· Mike Ovitz's ex-nanny Suzanne Hansen presents and signs her book, You ll Never Nanny in This Town Again: The True Adventures of a Hollywood Nanny, at Book Soup. Recoil in horror as she relates her mind boggling stories of on-the-job cruelty, such as the time Ovitz paid for her to have manicures every two weeks.
· Catch a rare screening of the first full-length animated feature in movie history, The Adventures of Prince Achmed, at the REDCAT.