· Paramount and Tom Cruise will premiere M:i:III in Rome on April 24, a fitting tribute to the city that so warmly hosted hosted the coming out party for the world's most suspicious relationship. [Variety]
· William H. Macy will class up Touchstone's City Slickers Meets The Hell's Angels flick Wild Hogs, joining a casting-by-dartboard ensemble of John Travolta, Tim Allen, and Martin Lawrence. [THR]
· Disney pushes Mel Gibson's Apocalypto from a late summer to a Dec. 8th release, perhaps downgrading the film from "blockbuster" to "holiday heartwarmer" or "Oscar bait" status. The studio is also considering dubbing the movie from Mayan into its proprietary Atlantean dialect, hoping the move from obscure to fictional language might impress Academy voters. [Variety]
· ABC finally proves that not everything can be a hit following Desperate Housewives, as new series What About Brian shed 27% of its cherished key demographic viewers. [THR]
· The casting of Kate Winslet in Elton John's CGI Gnomeo and Juliet (just what it sounds like—Shakespeare with "tacky garden gnomes") may have saved the project from the cutest circle of Miramax's development hell [Variety]

Over the weekend, a reader tipped us that someone had hacked (screenshot of Turkman_69's handiwork above or here) the message boards at the promotional site for Universal's cinematic test of America's willingness to relive a still-fresh tragedy, United 93. It seems that the boards have been somewhat restored, but now there's only a single post looking to discuss the hacking:

• Primetime [ABCNews.com]

Lindsay Lohan returned to host SNL for a third time this weekend, looking much healthier (read: not distressingly skeletal) than her last visit, though the scratchy-throated starlet sounded as if she hasn't yet kicked her five-cup-a-day broken glass and tar habit. The highlight of the show was a fake ad for Neutrogena's Coin Slot Cream, in which Lohan* gamely revealed the upper inches of her butt-cleavage (pictured above), once again demonstrating to the world that she has regained enough body mass for the public to be able to differentiate her ass from her legs and lower back.

You've returned the bunny costume to the rental house and somehow recovered your entire deposit despite some stubborn blood stains. You deserve the box office numbers!

· Cruise is in the air: Still curing. Still posing. Still silencing. Still reprogramming.
· And our first Mission Impossible 3 screening report reveals some unintentional (we think) snicker moments.
· The Pellicanist: Brad Grey met with Pellicano "at least five times."
· CAA now representing pro-athletes. Like Frankie Muniz!
· Swarm attacks Sony!
· Angelina and Brad's little bundle of malaria-beset lion lunch should be arriving any moment now.
· Aaron Sorkin's signature crack recipe has been passed down for generations.
· Sean Preston no longer in mint condition.
· Gwyneth names her new baby Moses, sparing him from any schoolyard "...is a fruit!" taunts, but not from "...has a burning bush!" jokes.
· At least Kiefer wasn't going off on how hard it is to find a decent wife-beater in this city.
· The GLAAD Awards show how starfucking is a great tool in the fight for civil rights.
· Test audiences hate both The Breakup's sad and happy endings.
· "I wish I knew how to quit you!" jokes still fresh in prison weight yard.
· The Sopranos, now with 25% more fisting.
· Yes a Gyllenhaal is pregnant. No, it's not Jake (though the kids would be gorgeous).
· Could Jessica Simpson be manufacturing ass evidence?
· Ryan Seacrest 4 by 4, can't get through the kitchen door.
· After being informed selling his children into white slavery wasn't an option, Michael Jackson bails himself out with his song catalog.
· "Wait a second! You're not that Jew from the fake news show!"

Friday
· Music round-up: The Greenhornes at the Troubadour; Eagles of Death Metal at the Virgin Megastore; Stevie Wonder with Jamie Foxx at the Henry Fonda.
· The Nuart Theater screens the original Night of the Living Dead at midnight; bring your own brains to throw at the screen and make it a truly interactive, cult film experience.
Saturday
· Create:Fixate's Audio Lab and Optical Lounge at the Spring Arts Tower downtown is like a rave for your senses, but without all the pacifier-sucking and uncomfortable hugging.
· Elsewhere downtown, people will gather under the 1st St. Bridge and hurl rocks, papers, and scissors at each other. Probably while grievously drunk. [via Flavorpill]
Sunday
· We don't know about you, but we're going to spend Easter Sunday smeared in Cadbury Creme Eggs and Peeps residue, feeling vaguely guilty about having forgotten to go to church. Hey, we all celebrate in our own way.

Earlier in the week we introduced you to the Deal or No Deal Banker's Blog, in which the famously silent silhouette shares his world view with the adoring masses. In his latest post, it appears just a few months spent living in the shadows of Howie Mandel's large, bald head has quickly taken its toll on the Alan Greenspan of the game show set:

Even after Brad Pitt legally adopted and hyphenated little Maddox Jolie-Pitt, the tyke is still profoundly insecure about his place in the family with his parents' first biological offspring on the way. As a gesture of love and loyalty, Pitt allowed Maddox to give him a matching mohawk, but has yet to agree to his adoptive son's somewhat manipulative request that he and Angelina trade their forthcoming child for a Namibian orphan so that he won't feel "less special when the baby comes."

With only three more deduction days 'til the anti-Christmas, i.e. federal income tax filing deadline, we thought we'd share some of the highlights from this ABCNews.com report from earlier in the week, in which tax experts are consulted on some creative accounting loopholes celebrities may want to explore:

The web-enabled stalkerazzi at TMZ.com have obtained exclusive, shocking footage of former actress/soon-to-be imprisoned-at-home mom Katie Holmes roaming Barney's New York in Beverly Hills (a favorite shopping destination for Holmes, we've discovered) in search of shoes. Not much occurs in the brief clip culled from the two-hour trip, but if you turn up the speakers on your computer in the final seconds of the video, you can hear Holmes asking an attentive clerk if they have "anything that would be comfortable for a billion-year march towards total despair."

Page Six understandably may not be quite on their game lately, but something in today's item about another one of those Entourage episodes shot at a real! live! Lakers game has made us wonder if their editors' sanity has begun to crack under the payola-spotlight pressure:

Defamer is committed to bringing together dateless, self-described up-and-coming professionals in the legal field with one of the ten or so people in this town still impressed by the idea of attending the same social function as Tom Cruise. Trolls a Craigslister:

Please join us in burning the photographs and love letters given to us by our ex-advertisers, a show of devotion meant to demonstrate to this week's sponsors the totality of our current devotion. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and earn similar expressions of ardor, see this page.

Looks like the trades took the day off, but here's what scraps have been posted to their websites:
· TiVo wins a $74 million patent infringement lawsuit against EchoStar, giving the DVR pioneers more mad money to play with while they figure out a viable business model. [Variety/AP]
· THR has the same AP story, so here's the same summary: TiVo wins a $74 million patent infringement lawsuit against EchoStar, giving the DVR pioneers so more mad money to play with while they figure out a viable business model. [THR/AP]
· How did this picture of Disney head Bob Iger at a recent plushie convention make VPage? Scandal! [Variety]
· The Beatles are remastering their catalog in preparation for making their songs available online, a move that should finally make Paul McCartney rich enough to retire. [THR/Reuters]

Because it is vitally important to gauge Hollywood's reaction to any political matter making national headlines, it's about time that the media stepped forward to find out what celebrities with last names ending in "z" or who have ever played a character or sung a song calling for properly rolled r's thinks about the proposed legislation to make undocumented immigrants felons. Rush & Molloy celebrate Salma Hayek, "the only big star of Hispanic ancestry to speak out" on the matter, then takes a roll-call of the suspiciously quiet Latino stars:

Newly solvent, noseless superstar Michael Jackson was roused in the middle of the night after colleagues in New York got wind of a rumor that the singer had died in his sleep:

Today's NY Times nudges the Anthony Pellicano Wiretapping Trial of the Century incrementally closer to embattled Paramount emperor Brad Grey's doorstep, reporting that when the studio chief told the FBI that he was "casually acquainted" with the "colorful" Pellicano, he probably meant something slightly cozier than just nodding a "What's up?" to the detective across the room at a cocktail party: