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We nervously laughed it off when a piece of piping on the set of Desperate Housewives somehow dislodged itself and conked Eva Longoria on the head, throwing the actress to the ground and drawing blood. But the haunted Housewives set's freak, star-injuring accidents show no signs of slowing down:

Having determined that it would be impractical to fire herself as mother following infant Sean Preston's much-publicized tumble from a high chair two weeks ago, Britney Spears decided to dismiss the baby's nanny, according to celebrity childcare trade publication In Touch Weekly. Spears, however, was still not satisfied that removing the one person in her household responsible for the tyke's well-being guaranteed total infant safety, and quickly contracted a doctor to consult on other ways she can keep her firstborn from being victimized by future gravity-related incidents:

· Remember the story about the anonymous Hollywood "superstar" accused of taking matters into his own hands (or to use the French term, "rubbed one out") after his shocked masseuse refused to administer a happy ending? A British tribunal ruled that it's OK to reveal that Kevin Costner is the alleged knuckle-shuffler, yet offered no legal correction to the misapplication of the term "superstar" to the actor.
· Congratulations to Tobey Maguire, whose engagement to Universal bigshot Ron Meyer's daughter ensures continued career opportunities should he finally decide to get too fat to put on the Spider-Man tights.
· Check out the smart new redesign over at our porn-pushing sister site Fleshbot, featuring the Gawker Widescreen technology that allows the featured naked people to spread out across all of your spare monitor space. [link NSFW, of course]
· The publicity-touring Tom Cruise says that he's called Katie Holmes "about a billion times" to ask her about their new daughter, even though the answer is the same each time: "Nope, still not yours."

Michelle Rodriguez's firewater-fueled adventures through the Hawaiian judicial system are soon to come to an end, as the actress has been sentenced for her December DUI arrest:

· Music round-up: Time Again at the Echo; Kill Radio benefit at the Silverlake Lounge; and South at the Troubadour.
· The Writers Bloc brings together Late Late Show host/budding novelist Craig Ferguson and David Duchovny, who memorably flirted with fictional talk show host Larry Sanders, at the Fine Arts Theatre. Yeah, Duchovny also did that X-Files thing, but pretending to be attracted to Garry Shandling is a much more impressive acting feat.
· Judd Nelson Alert! The ArcLight screens cult curiosity The Dark Backward tonight, with "invited guests scheduled to appear" (i.e. you'll just have to be happy with whomever decides to show up) including director Adam Rifkin, Bill Paxton, Judd Nelson, Wayne Newton, Rob Lowe, and Lara Flynn Boyle. Also, they're taping the Q & A for possible inclusion on a DVD, so your "What was it like to work with Lara Flynn Boyle?" query in response to her failure to attend may be preserved for home video eternity.

A reader dropped us this photo and brief report on Andy Dick's swag-collecting trip to the Chateau yesterday, illustrating what Hollywood's beloved D-listers are up to while we're chained to our desks:

The two most abnormal celebrity byproducts to emerge from American Idol's fame-cultivating laboratories, Hollywood pygmies Paula Abdul and Ryan Seacrest, are either in the midst of a bitter feud or not, depending on whom you ask:

Excuse us if we can't muster any enthusiasm for the announcement of Britney Spears' pregnancy, as happy as we are that it will eventually yield a much-needed, second paparazzi getaway driver/high chair structural integrity tester for the family, relieving some of the enormous pressure on Sean Preston to hold down both jobs. But between the recent, suspicious arrival of the Miracle Baby and the crushing anticipation surrounding the Chosen One's impending Namibian birth, there's just no more room in our hearts right now. We're sure you understand.

As outrageous details continue to trickle in about the Charlie Sheen-Denise Richards divorce scandal—effectively upgrading it from celebrity "dirt" to "Satan's fly-covered feces"—it struck us that the only missing elements from the sordid tale were a porn star corpse and the looming spectre of O.J. Simpson. Well, check and check, according to Rush and Molloy:

TMZ.com's paparazzi video of Jeremy Piven carrying an incapacitated woman on the sidewalk outside of new club Shag might look like the actor merely dropped by for some take-out, but such misunderstandings are why publicists have jobs:

We'll have to wait and see how Dallas fares at the box office before we can start looking forward to the 80s nighttime soap movie adaptation we really want to see: Dynasty: The Motion Picture, an urban reimagining with Ice Cube and Queen Latifah in the Blake and Krystle roles, and a 72-year-old Joan Collins back as Alexis (thanks to a clause buried in her brilliantly negotiated season three deal). Until then, however, we'll just have to settle for Dynasty Reunion: Catfights and Caviar, one of those clips-and-anecdotes specials coming soon to CBS. USA Today was on hand to record it all—from the catty remarks made behind Collins' back to the arrival of beloved series patriarch John Forsythe, who hasn't been seen in over a decade:

· Warner Bros. determines that the cast of Ocean's Thirteen really needs a big-name actor to chew the scenery being ignored by the other big-name actors phoning in their performances, adds Al Pacino to the project. [Variety]
· Jack Valenti supports a $300 million media ad campaign to educate parents on being responsible for their kids' viewing habits by using the V-Chip, warning them that "not utilizing this crucial barrier against inappropriate adult content is like throwing open the front door to your home and inviting in your neighborhood's sex offenders for a kindgergarten-diddling play date." [THR]
· "Ambiguous" tracking info on Universal's United 93 has the studio anxiously awaiting the movie's reception at itsTribeca Film Fest premiere, which may give them a sense of how it might fare against this weekend's other new release competition. Good news: RV's late tracking says that audiences feel it's "too soon" for another Robin Williams movie after the tragedy of House of D. [Variety]
· Studios pray that their coming onslaught of animated family films can distract overseas audiences from the World Cup. Possible marketing slogan: "Why not trample each other at Garfield's A Tale of Two Kitties instead?" [THR]
· Touchstone TV and the three major guilds come to an agreement on residuals for a long-delayed Lost spinoff for mobile phones, allowing the regular cast to participate and saving fans from having to watch "mobisodes" consisting entirely of silent background actors wandering around in dirty clothes. [Variety]

Tori Spelling's new VH1 show, so noTORIous, has been getting decent ratings since its premiere, disproving the conventional wisdom that there wasn't an audience for a comic retelling of Spelling's day-to-day activities, punctuated by the occasional sucker-punch regarding her looks. (In the episode we watched, her best friend makes a tossed-off comment about her "bug eyes." Hilarious!) At least part of this success should be credited to VH1's innovative marketing department, and their site-specific vandalization campaign:

By way of a public service announcement to our readers at Paramount who may not have checked their e-mail yet, we're happy to pass along this bulletin from late yesterday afternoon warning them of some impending effects work on the lot:

The LAT drags Chris Rock into the Anthony Pellicano Wiretapping Trial of the Century, reporting that the comedian hired Hollywood's favorite eavesdropper and illegal background checker to dig up some fun facts on Hungarian model/Perfect 10 naked person Monika Zsibrita, who made a paternity claim against Rock back in '99. Rock's publicist admits the hire, but not, er, the illegal stuff:

· Great moments in celebrity-related entrepreneurship: The Brangelina sign is a winner, but the guy running the Tom and Katie version of the scam had to sell his plasma after two donation-free days.
· Jay Leno may have lost The Gays forever...even the middle-aged, Midwestern ones that might have actually watched The Tonight Show in the last three years.
· Willie "Buddy Lembeck/Bibleman" Aames defends himself against Celebrity Fit Club's deceptive editing practices.
· Did Paris Hilton lose her Bentley in a poker game? Gossips say yes, flack says no, online poker gambling tries to capitalize! Developing!!!

Perhaps the greatest chronological confluence since 4:20 p.m. on 4-20 rang the bong gong for stoners everywhere, June 6, 2006 is quickly approaching, and you know what that means. You don't? Well, what if we write it out this way: 6/6/06. Not ringing any bells? OK, then drop the 0, remove the slashes, and squint a little. That's right: 666. Number of the Beast. And, according to the LAT, a perfect marketing opportunity to unleash unfathomable evils on mankind—everything from yet another sure-to-be-terrible horror movie remake to an Ann Coulter book:

Hollywood is still reeling from the shocking accusations about Charlie Sheen that surfaced Friday in a sworn statement made by ex-wife Denise Richards, in which the actress detailed Sheen's history of verbal and physical abuse and his penchant for faux-underage porn. ETonline now reports Richards has been photographed kissing blindsided Heather Locklear divorce casualty Richie Sambora. ET showed Sheen the pictures, to which he made the witty, lyric-appropriate comment, "Those two give love a bad name." (Yes, he really said that.) He also tells ET that the "allegations are 'baseless' and a 'smear campaign.'" While Mary Hart may be easy to convince, we're less so, especially after reading transcripts of six voicemails allegedly left by Sheen for Richards last April when she was still pregnant with the couple's second child, made available today by The Smoking Gun. An excerpt: