TMZ's assiduous monitoring of the egresses of Hollywood's hottest, most celebrity-clotted nightclubs has once again paid off, as their sidewalk videographers were on the scene to capture the aftermath of a face-bloodying attack on self-labeled paparazzi king E.L. Woody by a man inexplicably upset about photographers invading the privacy of Brody Jenner. While the report seems to indicate that the "random clubgoer" was trying to defend the local personality from the marauding photographers, his actions demonstrate an egregious overestimation of Jenner's fame level, as someone who's best known for having briefly enjoyed sexual relations with Nicole Richie (and by "enjoyed," we of course mean "traded for the opportunity to appear in a couple of blurbs in Life & Style and InTouch") doesn't want the three people interested in taking his picture scared off by the threat of physical violence.

With many of Borat's unwitting co-stars lining up to demonstrate their displeasure with their on-screen roles as sister-sexing anti-Semites or alcoholic slavery enthusiasts in lawsuit form (with the notable exception of that one frat boy who officially remains pretty psyched about being paid $200 to get shitfaced in the number one movie in America), it seemed inevitable that Sacha Baron Cohen would eventually be hearing from the etiquette expert who patiently tried to explain the workings of American indoor waste-disposal systems after being presented with a bag brimming with the faux-Kazakh's bowel movements. Court TV reports that she's asked the California attorney general to investigate whether the releases that each "victim" apparently signed without reading (after being promised that the footage would only be used in an industrial training film for a scrap-iron disposal facility in Belarus, of course) constitute a deceptive business practice:

1 shot in Conn. Playstation waiting line [AP]
PlayStation 3 Melee Watch: Campers Get Violent[Gizmodo]

If you insist on knowing the complicated interpersonal dynamics that resulted in the answering machine death threat left by amusingly uncensored rageoholic Stephen Dorff, here they are: He is quite cross that Steve-O, a person who obtained his fame through a cable television program, stole his model girlfriend, an utterly unacceptable, caste-defying affront to the manhood of a self-professed movie star. (The offense is surely compounded by the fact that the woman chose a performer from the crude, genital-bludgeoning arts over someone who practices his craft at its most rarefied levels.) It's not hard to imagine that Dorff brings the same kind of passion to his professional endeavors, clogging his agent's voicemail box with nearly identical death threats following disappointing lunch meetings with producers obviously not interested in employing him.

The Defamer Special Correspondent on the Shopping Habits of Former 'Tiger Beat' Cover Models is on the scene at the new H&M store in the Beverly Center, fearlessly providing us with this blurry cameraphone photo and a real-time report on the whereabouts of off-puttingly smooth-headed Dancing with the Stars also-ran Joey Lawrence. Blackberries our operative as he tries to avoid detection:

The Weak Nights blog had some fun with the 100% legal, identity-thieving-lite leisure activity of plugging famous people's names into the California Unclaimed Property Search website, and seeing what sorts of outstanding credits might be lying in wait of any celebrity broke enough to consider bothering retrieving them. Among the stunners: Kimberly Stewart has actually earned wages (presumably for having done work of some kind!), Perfect Strangers bought Balki a house in Malibu, and Linda Evangelista is still not getting out of bed for less than $10,000. (Well, definitely not for less than $40.) Enjoy perusing the gallery of unwitting beneficiaries, then plug in your own favorite stars to find out who's too busy lighting cigars with hundred dollar bills to collect a two-figure residuals check for some long-forgotten Baywatch Nights extra work.

· Music round-up: Irving at Spaceland; Cut Chemist at the Viper Room; Something for Rockets at the Troubadour; Racetrack Babies at Silverlake Lounge.
· An editor, a poet, and a literary critic get to together at the Central Library to discuss Allen Ginsberg's "Howl" on its 50th anniversary, a work you have probably heard of even if you never tried to get into a Beat-obsessed English major's pants in college.
Annie Leibovitz will be at the Borders in Westwood to sign A Photographer's Life: 1990-2005, giving you yet another chance to meet the woman who first photographed the baby Tom Cruise rented for his recent Vanity Fair cover shoot.

This Saturday, the Odescalchi Castle on Italy's Lake Bracciano will for one magical evening be transformed into the fairy tale palace where Katie Holmes will finally take Tom Cruise's supple hand in marriage (as stipulated in paragraph 68c of her billion-year contractual commitment), with a gathered crowd of Hollywood's greatest luminaries looking on in polite, incredulous bemusement. As the media coverage builds to a cacophonic crescendo, we help you wade through it all with a Countdown To Eternal Servitude round-up:
· The local businesses of Lake Bracciano are milking their moment in the spotlight for all its worth, with one local eatery introducing menu items such as "'Vanilla Sky' spaghetti, 'Last Samurai' filet with mushrooms and, for dessert, the Suri tart with chocolate sauce." The latter was directly responsible for an uncomfortable misunderstanding involving Tom Cruise and his in-laws, when the actor came bounding into the lobby of their hotel, gleefully announcing with a face smeared in a sticky, brown substance, "Hey, guys! Guess what I just ate! Suri!" [USA Today]
· A late night visit to Rome's city hall last night wasn't for a quickie marriage license—it was to meet Rome's Mayor Walter Veltroni, described as "a big movie buff." Tom reportedly was more than happy to oblige Veltroni's request to recreate his favorite sequence, and proceeded to delight the Mayor and his staff by sliding down the grand building's marble halls in nothing but a dress shirt, briefs, and a pair of Wayfarer sunglasses. [AP]

Those affluent and upscale enough to still be watching Studio 60 will undoubtedly recognize the name of Pahrump, Nevada as that of the sleepy desert town where the series' most recent pair of episodes was memorably set, a multi-part farce about the ostensibly hilarious collision of snobbish Hollywood folk and the locals who take glee in using their their quirky, autocratic justice system to torture the fancy-panted interlopers. Reuters reports that the real-life community is up to the same kind of liberal-upsetting activities that one might have expected from John Goodman's seemingly good ol' boy judge:

It's a little bit off our usual beat, but this video of a UCLA student being tasered in the school library computer lab by campus cops after failing to produce his identification card is certainly worth your attention as you return from lunch. If for some reason you need a Hollywood angle to make yourself spend the six or so minutes required to watch the whole thing, consider that a similarly upsetting scene could easily unfold in the Paramount Studio Store, where guards have been instructed to immediately stungun any patron attempting to exploit the employee discount without first displaying appropriate ID.

Following up on the photo we received of the arrest of the naked guy jogging along the 405 on Tuesday afternoon, a reader has submitted a couple of photos taken from a car passing the streaker before his triumphant run was ended prematurely by uptight authorities bent on cutting short his genital-jiggling, joyous sprint. Unfortunately, the new photographic evidence seems to indicate that the subject was not, as we'd previously hoped, Will Ferrell, crushing our fantasies that the actor had snapped and decided to adapt his famous Old School streaking scene to a new, exciting, and civilly disobedient form of freeway theater. Enjoy.

· Hot on the heels of the launch of NBC Universal's online humor site DotComedy (it's still around a week later, apparently—so far, so good), AOL and HBO announce plans to erect This Just In in January, a novel idea centered around the unprecedented use of blogging technology to explore current events in comedic fashion. [Variety]
The Academy announces the Oscar documentary shortlist, which includes Dixie Chicks film Shut Up and Sing and Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth. Among the snubbed: Wordplay, Who Killed the Electric Car?, and This Film Is Not Yet Rated. [THR]
Warner Bros. suddenly moves up the release of Clint Eastwood's other World War II drama, Letters from Iwo Jima, to late December to put it into awards contention, hoping to snag some of the nominations that may elude his floptastic DreamWorks effort, Flags of our Fathers. [Variety]
· 27.2 million viewers tune in to watch Emmitt Smith stiff-arm Mario Lopez on the way to the Dancing with the Stars championship, while temporary Lost timeslot-filler Daybreak's premiere was "trounced" by Criminal Minds. [THR]
Fox decides that since it might look bad to cancel all of their new shows, they might as well pick up additional episodes of Til Death and Standoff in hopes that they might eventually draw some viewers once American Idol and 24 return. [Variety]

In Part Two of today's series, Howard Stern Gets Celebrities To Openly Shit-Talk Other Celebrities, Page Six is reporting that Jack Black recently told Stern about a six-year grudge held against him by Jeremy Piven, claiming the bitch-hugging bachelor is still sore over having lost the part of the record store clerk in High Fidelity to the paunchy screen comic:

While Mumbai train commuters disrupted the shoot of A Mighty Heart earlier this week by hurling their offspring at star Angelina Jolie in hopes that she might instantly fall in love with one of the adorable, projectile adoptee candidates and add it to her ever-expanding multinational brood, parents at a school where the production was filming on Thursday seemed much less eager to assist the actress in filling out her family. Once the gates to the school were thrown open at the completion of the day's shooting, concerned mothers quickly stormed in to retrieve their children, hoping to rescue them before Jolie could form a downtime attachment to an extra and attempt to spirit one off to Hollywood. The unfortunate hysteria, complete with reports of rough treatment of the stampeding parents by abusive bodyguards, was completely unnecessary, as Jolie obviously would have no interest in acquiring a child old (and well-off) enough to attend such a school.

Former SNL head writer and current 30 Rock inspiration/star/showrunner Tina Fey was a guest on Howard Stern's Sirius radio show this morning, and she was pleasantly forthcoming with some behind-the-scenes reminiscences of Paris Hilton's stint as guest host. CityRag jotted down some of the fond memories:

We're constantly trying to think of new and exciting features here at Gawker. At a recent brainstorming session someone came up with the idea of showing the hands of various media figures. We nodded along at the time and filed it away for future use, but after seeing this picture of Viacom's Sumner Redstone, we're pretty much gonna bin it. This is creeping us out. We can only imagine the trauma that the poor WireImage photog is going through.

In exchange for being named GQ's "Obsession of the Year," sometime actress Lindsay Lohan gave the magazine an exclusive look at what she does after completing her draining, nightly tour of Hollywood's hottest, most exclusive bathroom stalls, simulating her bedtime ritual for their photographer. Upon returning to her unfurnished lodgings (who has time to decorate with her schedule?) as the sun begins to rise, she ritualistically burns a tabloid accurately reporting her latest, hangover-related set absence, and becoming strangely aroused by watching her own image slowly incinerated, spends the next four to five hours writhing on a pile of glossies on a bare mattress before finally collapsing from exhaustion, where she remains until her call time has safely passed. Though thoroughly dehydrated when she finally rises in the mid-afternoon, she eagerly heads off to work to start the entire cycle anew.

"Here is a photo of Cobrasnake streethorsing in his underwear." Just a few short years ago, you would have no idea what that meant, and you likely still don't understand half of it. "Streethorsing" is the wacky brandvertising concept/campaign from Euro clothing retailer WESC ("We Are the Superlative Conspiracy" — think American Apparel but a little less jailbaity). In brief, streethorsing involves participating in a fun-crazy pretend subculture of riding horses in the city, putting on a sort of Vice-style bravado punk persona thing. To support the drive, WESC has released a book chock fulla streethorsing-related photoshoppery, catalog porn, and fringe types doing vaguely horsey things as in the accompanying photo. Our deluxe version of the book came with a golden horseshoe, T-shirt, and moustache kit. The book can be found in WESC stores or ordered online (in Europe); we didn't have the heart to check the price.

Spurred to action by rumors "swirling" on "the Internet" that Tom Hanks had tumbled to his doom off a cliff during a film shoot New Zealand, TMZ.com lurched into debunking mode, receiving assurances directly from New Zealand officials that no reports of fatal accidents involving world-famous personages had been made, then discovering photographic evidence that the actor was seen alive as recently as yesterday in California, shooting Charlie Wilson's War. (Still not dead as a result of a para-gliding mishap: Will Ferrell. Probably.) As it turns out, the "swirl" of the fabricated Hanks tragedy seems to consist entirely of a story generated by this prank site, which makes sending your favorite stars to a grisly, accidental death on the same New Zealand cliffs simplicity itself. Start your own easily debunked rumor today!