For those of you worried that the avalanche of publicity stemming from background dancing impresario Kevin Federline's public dumping by longtime bling-enabler Britney Spears might cause a spike in demand for his L.A. live shows (hey, some of you might have incapacitating Glade-huffing habits that would allow you to think such a thing), this report from a concertgoing operative should put your drug-addled mind at ease, revealing that House of Blues staffers couldn't even give away tickets to K-Fed's upcoming, Wednesday night show, even when resorting to chicanery:

If I Did It, Here's How It Happened, Fox's planned O.J. Simpson kinda-sorta confession special and lavishly illustrated, accompanying coffee table book, are both dead in the water, a hit ordered directly from the top by News Corp's corporate overlord, Rupert Murdoch:

When Robin Williams is a guest on any program, hilarity is sure to ensue! Okay, that statement hasn't been true since some point in the late seventies when the entire country was suffering through an epic Quaalude binge. But his recent appearance with Anderson Cooper at least provides Anderson with a few chuckles. We're not sure what's so funny, but maybe Anderson knows something that we don't.

Fox News Channel plans on supplementing its regular, round-the-clock fake news coverage with a still-untitled "Daily Show for conservatives," which the network hopes will finally provide them with a much-needed forum for taking shots at liberals. Next on the FNC development slate-of-mirrors: a Colbert Report knock-off starring a comically delusional blowhard. [Variety]
Nielsen studies iPod users' viewing habits, discovers that most people don't use their devices to watch video downloads, perhaps finding the experience of squinting through an episode of Lost on a three-inch screen not as desirable as Apple had once hoped. [THR]
· Var reports on how your favorite supermodels (Tyra Banks, Heidi Klum, Padma Lakshmi) have overcome their perfect genes and fabulous racks to find great success hosting popular television shows. [Variety]
Fox Searchlight picks up the dark comedy Bonzai Shadowhands, which Rainn Wilson is writing as a starring vehicle for himself in which he'll play "a once-great ninja living a life of mediocrity." Whatever they gave him, he deserves three million more. [THR]
Imprisoned P.I. Anthony Pellicano writes a "guest column" for Variety (if your definition of guest column is reprinting an excerpt from a book of essays) "stating his case." But unlike OJ Simpson, he seems unwilling to go the "If I wanted to conduct illegal wiretaps of various Hollywood figures, this is how I would have done it" route, seriously reducing the piece's news value. [Variety]

We all know where Lindsay Lohan stands on the panty issue (resolutely against), but it's the exposed slits on her wrists that have fans of the hard-partying starlet legitimately concerned. What had begun as the occasional self-inflicted, hangover-distracting puncture wound covered discretely with a Disney character Band-Aid now appears to have graduated into a much harder to camouflage, full-fledged self-mutilation habit:

Extra reports that Jerry Seinfeld has already beaten his lower-billed castmates to press with a public statement disapproving of Kramer's N-bomb, saying, "I am sick over this. I'm sure Michael is also sick over this horrible, horrible mistake. It is so extremely offensive. I feel terrible for all the people who have been hurt." While this expression of heartsickness from the series' titular star should obviate the need for further comments from the Seinfeld crew, we suspect that The Insider, Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, and no fewer than five separate E! countdown shows won't rest until they ambush every actor who's ever appeared on the show's call sheet, hoping for a great "get" featuring the Soup Nazi's poignant call for tolerance after he patiently explains to a reporter that his character didn't actually hate Jews, just people who didn't order their lobster bisque in a properly deferential way.

During his Laugh Factory set on Friday night, Michael Richards finally tried out fresh material intended to achieve some separation between his beloved, bumbling Kramer persona and the working comedian desperate to forge a post-Seinfeld identity. Upon some reportedly light heckling from a pair of African-American audience members, Richards unveiled a new catchphrase, "Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass," one he'd hoped would supplant any oft-intoned Seinfeld quips about masturbation contests or the efficacy of butter as a tanning aid. Unfortunately, the less elegant N-bomb-laced follow-up to his lynching bon mot ensured that various media outlets, looking for a quick hook, will go with "Kramer's Racist Tirade," setting back his efforts at leaving the character behind.

On Monday morning (especially on this post-Cruise wedding Monday), there is only pain. Dull the agony of your dreaded return to work with the weekend box office numbers:

· Something Brainwashed, Something Blue: Katie Holmes is not for your consideration, and probably not for Tom's either, no matter how many sparkly nighties she buys. Brooke Shields is never above a free, catered dinner. REDFORD. STREEP. Cruise? Countdown to the ring and cat exchange. The couple revives La Dolce Vita. (Coincidentally the title of the most anticipated gay porn release of the year!)
· Brangel-India: Angelina rides the train. The school stampede. Indian Oprah.
· Movie marketers now actively begging you to piss on them.
· Commuters gleefully follow the Nude Piper of the 405, until cops ruin the fun.
· OutWeek: Kristanna Loken is terrible at keeping Michelle Rodriguez's non-secrets.
· Taser-equipped Blackberrys the hot new gadget among CAA agents.
· O.J. Simpson and Judith Regan just want to make some good TV, people!
· "Ladies Look Out:" Kevin Federline's shower door defacing game is ridiculous.
· More cowbell.
· McMullety wins the sash. Again.
· Another week of hatin' on the Baron. The frat boy's all liquid carb diet. Sacha learns to grin and bear the most sincere form of flattery.
· Jerry Bruckheimer finds the Keep It Explosive, Stupid rule generally keeps people happy. But it doesn't always work.
· Before you die you see...The Nose.
· Tina Fey is, like, totally jealous of Paris Hilton's body and recording career.
· Pahrump lets Sorky down.
· Shopping with the Stars: Joey Lawrence wants a piece of H&M's affordable trendwear action.

· Because we know you'd never speak to us again if we let a paparazzi photo of Lindsay Lohan's not-so-elusive naughty bits go by without a link, here you go (NSFW). We hope you feel just as dirty as we do.
Soggy illusionist/modelizer David Blaine plans on staging his next feat of incredible endurance with the help of Michael Jackson, with Blaine locking himself inside a 10-foot-by-10-foot Lucite box with Jackson, five Make-a-Wish kids, and a case of cheap wine for a week. Blaine is not expected to survive the stunt.
OJ Simpson's lawyer cordially invites the Goldmans to try and get their share of his client's Big Book Of How I Would Have Stabbed My Ex-Wife And Her Lover To Death money, but denies that the Juice has a secret place where's he's going to hide his cut.
Being a nerd desperate for one of the first PS3 systems is more dangerous than you'd think.
UCLA students: "Don't taser us!" Sure, now they say it.

With the marriage of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes set to take place in Italy just a few hours from now, it's finally sinking in: There is really nothing any of us can do to help her, other than hope that as we speak, a ragtag commando group comprised of Holmes ex-boyfriends Joshua Jackson, Chris Klein, and the sweet kid from fifth grade who's now a claims adjuster in Toledo are quietly scaling a turret at Odelschi Castle, making a last-ditch effort to save their former love from her absurdly well-guarded cell. Unfortunately, even this crazy rescue fantasy of ours ends in Klein tripping over his own feet while attempting to dance through a seemingly impenetrable lattice of alarm-triggering lasers, a tragic act of clumsiness that results in the brave trio's public hanging at tomorrow's wedding reception. In short: Goodbye, forever, Katie. We'll always have Wonder Boys and that thirty or so seconds from The Gift. Enjoy this final round-up, for the next time we speak of the couple, it will be as Mr. and Mrs. Tom Cruise:

• Atene Returns! [YouTube]

Following the recent student/parent/ bodyguard/paparazzi stampede and pile-on at a Mumbai school used as a shooting location for A Mighty Heart (video of the terrifying, anarchic events available here), flawlessly bone-structured altruists Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have now found themselves in the unlikely position of having to defend themselves against some rare, bad press. Jolie has released a statement calling the allegation that one of her three bodyguards arrested in the melee called a parent a "bloody Indian" a "horrible rumor." But it's Brad Pitt, perhaps realizing the potential threat the impromptu and much talked about fight club could pose to their global good standing, who has taken the formidable step of going directly to the top with his damage control efforts, pleading their case to none other than Indian Oprah. From an Extra press release:

Friday
· Employee of the Month is celebrating the comedy of Studio 60 by putting on "a sketch comedy show about a sketch comedy show in a drama about sketch comedy" at the Westside Eclectic theater. What this endlessly recursive ironic description actually means: They're performing the sketches from Studio 60, like "Krazy Khristians," "Commedia Dell'Arte," and "Science Schmience," finally breathing life into the half-realized creations that Aaron Sorkin briefly trots out each week to prove his characters actually work on a sketch show. These are fearless people.
· Music round-up: Tenacious D at the Gibson Amphitheatre; Midnight Movies at Spaceland; Matt Pond PA at the Roxy; the Slits at the Troubadour.
Saturday
· More music: Hot Chip at the Henry Fonda; The Shys at On The Rox; Sean Lennon at the El Rey.
· ASSSSCAT welcomes Jello Biafra as their guest monologist at the UCB Theatre. Stick around until midnight to be treated to The Dirtiest Sketch in LA Contest, in which the winner will receive a prize of $3.07 for their contribution to filthy comedy.
Sunday
· Skylight Books is hosting Jestfest, a blowout in honor of the 10th anniversary of Infinite Jest, David Foster Wallace's 1,100-page, prodigiously footnoted opus. [via flavorpill]
· At the Egyptian, Filmforum celebrates its 30th year by screening eight short films and videos they original presented between 1991 and 1994.

A mysterious prankster identified only as "Reverend Ted" (Brad Pitt? Steven Soderbergh? U.N. envoy to Sudan Jan Pronk?) took out this full-page ad in Variety today, reminding everyone in the industry that before George Clooney was a two-time Sexiest Man Alive title holder, he was just another mullet-rocking Facts of Life semi-regular (or is this photo from the Roseanne era? the mullet/Ton Sur Ton shirt combo is hard to place that precisely) without the clout to politely ask his wardrobe stylist to "not go so heavy with the Rick Springfield look."

The Defamer Special Correspondent on Possibly Suggestive Superproducer Small-Talk submits this snippet of conversation overheard at a fashion show last Friday (as well as the accompanying pic), lamenting that no free drinks were exchanged in the course of the following brief conversation:

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are now posted several times a week (well, most weeks)—so send them in like your lives depended on it. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let the world know about the time a Borat screening at the Grove afforded you a front row seat to a "before and after" David Hasselhoff experience.

It's Casino Royale's opening day, and in true Bondian fashion, new 007 Daniel Craig appears to have emerged unscathed from the threat of the eviscerating laser beam trained squarely on his manhood by his many internet-enabled detractors since his casting was first announced. Did they expect him to fail? No, Mr. Craig: They expected you to quit, and cede the role to a more debonair, less pigment-challenged actor. But it's he who is getting the last laugh, as his reviews have been raves, singling out for particular praise the ultimate secret weapon he's been hiding under his tuxedo jacket all along: A rippling, inflated torso that just begs to be ogled. (Even the Queen threw on her slinkiest number to meet the generously manboobed object of her affections.) Giggles The Guardian like a schoolgirl:

Please join us in celebrating our love for this week's sponsors, whom, as some of you may have heard, we will be marrying in a lavish ceremony in an Italian castle later this weekend, despite the fact that the Catholic Church refuses to recognize our union with a variety of automobile manufacturers, feature films, web portals, and local orchestras as a valid sacrament. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and get a piece of the matrimonial action, see this page.

Variety's Peter Bart, himself once the "nominal" head of United Artists, offers Tom Cruise some unsolicited career advice. Among the tips: Nurture maverick talent. Also: Shut the hell up about the Scientology stuff, and act like the nice Quakers and Mormons who don't shove their religions in Bart's face. [Variety]
Casino Royale shatters the first-day UK box office record for Bond films, bringing in a record $3.2 million. [THR]
· Meanwhile, China's censorship board approves Royale for release, despite fears that the repeated display of Daniel Craig's unclothed torso might cause an unwanted spike in birth rates. [Variety]
· And in former Bond news, Pierce Brosnan takes another spy-related gig, Spy vs Stu, in which he'll play a "handsome, debonair" secret agent out to steal the girlfriend of a fellow vacationer. [THR]
· Hollywood insiders are skeptical that Phillip Morris is sincere in taking out ads in the trades begging studios not to use their cigarette brands in movies, no matter how cool actors look while marketing their tobacco products to a new generation of potential smokers. [Variety]