While the tense relationship between Paramount and DreamWorks has recently been compared to that of the Trojans and the treacherous, studio-hijacking Greeks waiting to be wheeled inside the Melrose lot's fortified walls to slit emperor Brad Grey's throat, in carping to the NY Times about Paramount's annoying tendency to take credit for his studio's hard work, director Steven Spielberg offered a different analogy to describe the dynamic:

· Music round-up: Adorable British musical sensation Lily Allen at the Henry Fonda; The Movies at Spaceland; Foreign Born at the Viper Room.
· Jason Yellow and Jerry O'Hearn battle to the death in the final round of the UCB Theatre's attempt to find America's Best Comic. Meanwhile, Andy Kindler, Dana Gould, and Paul F. Tompkins square off in a no less deadly showcase at Largo.
· Because book signings are always more satisfying when it's a bonafide famous person scribbling her name on your newly purchased copy, we note that Felicity Huffman will be at Iconology to support A Practical Handbook for the Boyfriend.

Knowing that it might be a while before their agents at CAA can find an acceptable job for his new, still-unemployed wife, Tom Cruise apparently realizes that someone in his household is eventually going to need to work consistently if they plan on maintaining the lifestyle to which they've become accustomed (it would be a shame if he had to replace the solid-gold cuff that explodes in the event of a Holmes escape attempt with a cheaply made one that might turn her ankle green well before detonation), and is now reportedly out trolling for light-hearted parts intended to play against his completely undeserved, career-hampering image as a self-serious browbeater of those under the sway of the pharmaceutical industry. TMZ reports that Cruise has recently chatted with Ben Stiller about the possibility of hooking him up with the kind of buddy role that he usually saves for Owen Wilson:

While Defamer is committed to connecting its readers with opportunities to obtain gainful, career-jumpstarting employment in the entertainment industry, recent items we've passed along might have given job hunters the tragically mistaken impression that assistant gigs are glamorous affairs entailing little more than helping one's famous boss chase tail on the set of a big-budget movie production. Luckily, this Craigslist post seeking some help for a busy TV producer reminds us at length (the poster seems terrified of receiving time-wasting resumes from those constitutionally unsuited for the position) that the fast-paced personal-assisting field is a demanding one that chews up the lazy, dumb, and weak. Excerpts from the ad, including a detailed FAQ letting one know what is expected of pretty much any assistant in this town (minus explicit mentions of occasional beatings), follow:

· Things are looking sunny for Marty: As most had predicted, he picked up the top feature award from the Directors Guild of America, his first win after seven previous nominations. 52 of the past 58 winners have gone on to take the Oscar, though that doesn't completely rule out the possibility he won't get slighted again, at which point a global audience can delight in watching his eyebrows instantly turn ashen white. [Variety]
· Steve Martin, presenting an award to the DGA awards longtime host Carl Reiner, won the Dirty Old Man One-Liner of the Night Award with this comment about Leelee Sobieski*: "I've been backstage trying to convince Leelee Sobieski that the best way to remove double stick tape is with saliva." [The Envelope]
· The 34th annual Evening Standard British Film Awards gives its top acting honor to—muted gasp!—Judi Dench for Notes on a Scandal, not Helen Mirren for The Queen. Daniel Craig nabbed the top actor award for Casino Royale, and his anguished approximation of what it might feel like to have one's testicles whacked repeatedly with a knotted rope. [Reuters]

BED, the New York club akin to an atmospherically lit Sit n' Sleep showroom and made famous in an episode of Sex and the City, played host to a bizarre accident Saturday night. Granville Adams, a manager at the club (and, strangely enough, an actor from yet another HBO series, Oz), brawled with a customer, hurtling him towards a set of elevator doors with enough force to open them and send him plunging four floors below:

· NBC will hand over Aaron Sorkin's 10 p.m. Monday night Studio 60 timeslot to Paul Haggis' drama The Black Donnellys starting on March 5, hoping that the heavy-handed, fender-bender-loving double Oscar winner's new series will hang on to some of hit lead-in Heroes' viewers, but promises that S60 will return to their airwaves at an unspecified date. Also: 30 Rock's slot is being temporarily donated to the Conan O'Brien/Andy Richter midseason comedy Andy Barker, PI, but will be back on April 19th. [Variety]
· In case you haven't heard: Jeff Zucker's getting a nice little promotion over at NBCU 2.0. [Variety, THR]
· And in other NBC front-office news, NBC Entertainment president/scene-stealing The Office dayplayer Kevin Reilly is looking like a good bet to have his expiring contract renewed. (Actually, a very good bet, as the WSJ just reported [sub. req'd.] he's been given a new contract.) [Variety]
· Super Bowl XLI's ratings are "great but not spectacular." We suspect that the event's failure to reach "spectacular" levels was due to intense competition from the far more compelling Puppy Bowl III on Animal Planet. [THR]
· Apple (computers) and Apple Corps. (The Beatles) settle the legal dispute over their shared name, allowing for the possibility that Beatles songs might one day be hawked on iTunes. [Variety]

Up until this morning, we have managed to remain blissfully ignorant of the Tyra Banks "I Did Not Gain 40 Lbs. In Two Months" Controversy that is currently tearing apart daytime TV, as the conspicuous weight gain of talk show hosts generally falls outside of our purview (unless, of course, a rubber fat suit and hidden camera are involved). But a reader just brought us up to speed by forwarding this photo of an Opie and Anthony fan's response to some sort of radio stunt challenging their listeners to offer conspicuous public commentary on Banks' weight, which allegedly hung on the hedge outside of CBS Television City (where the Tyra Banks Show shoots) all day Sunday and was still in place as of about 9 a.m. this morning. However, given Bank's recent defiance in responding to those who might make an issue of her post-modeling figure, we wouldn't be too surprised if she allowed the sign to stay up a little longer, at least until her staff can erect a bigger one reading KISS MY FAT ASS on the building behind it.

Over Superbowl weekend, traditionally that time of the year when America's dads and sons come together to bond over potato skins and one of their few shared interests, the turbulent relationship between Ryan O'Neal and troubled offspring Griffin O'Neal reached all new lows. Early Saturday morning, shortly after Ryan returned to his Malibu home from a "Happy 60th Birthday/Ridding Yourself of Cancer" party for his ex-wife Farrah Fawcett, a visit paid by Griffin turned violent, resulting in the elder O'Neal being arrested for assault with a deadly weapon and negligent discharge of a firearm. Ryan has since told the LAT that he wouldn't have had to fire the gun in the vicinity of his son and son's pregnant girlfriend if Griffin hadn't decided to let a swinging fireplace poker do his talking for him:

By now you're probably aware that resurgent NBC golden boy and longtime Les Moonves cockfight underdog Jeff Zucker will soon complete his meteoric journey from Today producer (he's widely credited with the morning show innovation of seating perky women next to handsome men and having them chat about topics of interest) to Peacock King, as Zucker will soon be named CEO of NBC Universal. But lost in the impending celebratory press conference chatter about Zucker's coronation is the plight of the man he's replacing, 63-year-old CEO/chariman Bob Wright, who's being shoved aside as parent company General Electric ruthlessly tries to purge its ranks of executives too old and camera-unfriendly to occasionally repurpose as extras in NBC's primetime programming. Today's LAT reports on how painful Wright's departure from the company will likely be:

• Andy Dick touches Ivanka Trump gets thrown off Jimmy Kimmel [YouTube]

As you try to piece together how your prized beer helmet was shattered into a dozen pieces and which of your friends scribbled Peyton Manning's likeness on your genitals while you were passed out, ponder the simpler mystery represented by the weekend's box office numbers:

· Two proton torpedoes are fired down a thermal exhaust port that leads directly to the its reactor core, but the new CAA Death Star survives.
· After a rocky patch, Stacy Snider, Brad Grey, and David Geffen enter therapy. But they may be heading back soon for another go at the foam bats.
· FCC now profiling Mooninite-types at airport check-ins. Hairdo-related questions only, PLEASE.
· The SAGgies takes a moment to remember the one in gayhab, who allegedly goes back to work. Will T.R. Knight stay?
· Scott Rudin doesn't like to lose.
· K-Fed's big Bowl moment. Taco Bell would like an hour of his time.
· Hollywood's best-liked execs, Gail Berman and Lloyd Braun, join ankled forces to create BermanBraun.
· Paris Hilton's attempts at de-exposition are foiled by the Internets.
· Courtney Love an Idol judge? That's just crazy!
· Sienna Miller wishes the nosy press would just focus on the work. Fuck.
· Everything you see on Jennifer Aniston is 100% hers to keep.
· Lindsay Lohan backs out of A Woman of No Importance.
· Brett Ratner is fully capable of boning the background players without the help of an assistant, thank you very much.
· "How do you plead?" "HHHüürrRRRRRRRRn hhhh!"

· President Monkey heralds the arrival of [*name of trendy LA shop that does not actually sell these entirely fictional shirts redacted] latest Paris Hilton-themed t's.
· Judge for yourself: Did Denise Richards bring some snow to the beach? Bonus: Telephoto lenses have rarely been used for purposes this disturbing. [NSFW]
· The Golden Cage: It's just like Big Brother, except it could go on forever and there might be actual prostitutes, not just the usual, fame-seeking kind you see on reality TV.
·Free Ignignokt! (T-shirt to follow, if there already isn't one.)
· There was a time in our lives when this news would have made us really, really happy. Now it just makes us want to put on Women and Children First and pray it's a hoax.

In an unexpected development sure to result in dozens of accidental Wonder Woman fanboy deaths as they attempt to combat their grief by autoerotically asphyxiating themselves with golden lassos, Buffy the Vampire Slayer creator Joss Whedon has just announced on his fansite Whedonesque that he is off the WW movie:

Kevin Federline, the King of Formerly Kept Background Dancing Pimps, has been enjoying an unprecedented amount of solo time in the limelight since Nationwide's decision to make him the star of their Super Bowl ad . (At $2.6 million per spot, that's roughly $87k per Federline fry-scooping second). Responding to accusations that the ad somehow denigrated America's hard-working food service workers, Federline issued an apology. Why, exactly, we're not entirely sure—but, hey, look who's in the headlines again!:

· Music round-up: The Watson Twins at the Getty; Ron Sexsmith at the Troubadour; M Ward at the El Rey.
· The Aero's Best of James Bond, Agent 007 series serves up offers two Connery classics: Thunderball and You Only Live Twice.
Saturday
· Bust out your finest parachute pants and Docksiders for the 2nd Annual Allamacami Junior High 1986 Ultimate Dance Re-enactment at Artshare, then windmill like no one's watching.
· More music: Overview at Spaceland; Moving Units at the Troubadour; Paul Weller at Avalon.
· The Dorkbake Cookoff 2007 at Machine Project challenges intrepid, cooking-minded nerds to build an oven powered by a single, 100 watt incandescent bulb. Dorky, sure, but the results are sure to be delicious.
Sunday
· Hey, if you're not into the Super Bowl, at least you have those wonderful commercials to look forward to.

The peace of the Hollywood Eden represented by the area in front of Grauman's Chinese Theatre, that idyllic commune where seekers from around the globe gather to connect themselves to the show business continuum by placing their hands inside concrete indentations left by performers both living and dead, was momentarily shattered yesterday, when an aggressively panhandling faux-Chewbacca crashed his skull into the head of a brave tour guide disturbed by the renegade Wookie's attempt to perpetuate the kind of Polaroid-proffering extortion police are eager to expunge from the city. Reports the LAT:

In November 2005, Juan Anderson, a Mastro's valet, filed suit against Omar Sharif, claiming the actor called him a "stupid Mexican" when he refused to accept Euro notes as payment, then smacked him repeatedly over the head with a closed fist. TMZ reports that Tuesday, Mr. Anderson will see his day in court:

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in obsessively. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you spotted Johnny Sack, Bobby Bacala, and Uncle Junior casing the Rite-Aid at Wilshire and Doheny.