Jessica Alba and Cash Warren apparently aren't playing along with the latest "hasty media retraction" trend in celebrity parenting, instead just blithely going along with reports that Alba gave birth this weekend to the couple's daughter Honor Marie Warren. As the actress was due in late May, however, we have no reason to doubt the Bronze Child is among us: "Alba's father was overheard saying, 'She's beautiful,' " US Weekly reported in a bulletproof dispatch from Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. "Warren — in a T-shirt, jeans and baseball cap — was spotted carrying food into the maternity ward Sunday."

· Universal's backlot goes up in flames. King Kong doesn't make it. And we're left with a few burning questions.
· We brave Mike Myers' silicone nipples to bring you the greatest 2008 MTV Movie Awards Liveblog (as typed on a laptop from their yellow carpet and a cramped seat inside the Gibson Amphitheater) you're ever likely to read.
· Werner Herzog demands to know: Who is this Abel Ferrara you keep speaking of? A Defamer Exclusive!
· Clint Eastwood, meanwhile, demands to know why Spike Lee can't shut his stupid face. Says Spike: "Sal, how come you ain't got no brothers up on your Oscar mantle?"
· The Week in Misunderstood Genius Manoj Shyamalan: When is an ego not an ego? The Crapening: The Penis Part 2.
· $55,700,000 buys you a crapload of Blahniks.
· What we want to know is, how come we never get to indulge in any high-end Hollywood dinner-party gossip like the one about Gina Gershon getting nailed by Bill Clinton on Ron Burkle's Big Bunny. Who cares if it's not true!
· Star of Paper Moon nabbed filling her Glass Pipe.
Phew—that was a close one.
· Angelina WombWatch: Is someone feeding ET phony tips? Or is this a massive maternitywear coverup?
·Lindsay Lohan is bringing home the bacon, one lesbian tell-all and fake-pregnancy-comedy paycheck at a time.
·The producers of the I Spit On Your Grave remake are wondering how to up the shock-factor, to which we have two words: real castrations.
·The only thing Jodie Sweetin is addicted to now is love! For her child!
·Lily Beckinsale and Brooklyn Beckham will never work out, because he's a notorious commitmentphobe and not ready for kids.
·Ed McMahon finally runs out of sidekick-dollars.
· There's whispers the Olsen twins might not be getting along, when they can remember which of the Olsen twins they are.
· Is Whitney Port going to anchor MTV's latest enhanced-reality sensation, Deep Valley: The Real Van Nuys? Stay tuned!
· And finally, Choke's anal beads.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

With the possible exception of a Double Double with Animal Style fries, nothing goes down better after a long work week like a heaping Dirt Sandwich. Even better? You don't have to wait in line! Much like the ole In-N-Out, Molly McAleer uses nothing but the freshest ingredients when preparing each week's Dirt Sammy. Whether it's watching a makeup-less Tatum O'Neal get carted away by the cops or breathlessly awaiting to find out the outcome of what happened when Universal Studios explodes into flames with Steven Spielberg in the middle of the inferno (!), we guarantee that this week's Dirt Sandwich will satiate your weekly cravings for mental junk food. As always, enjoy!

Sure, things may seem to have gotten quiet on the Vin Diesel front, but that doesn't mean Hollywood's Biggest Action Hero Bargain hasn't been keeping busy. He's currently shooting The Fast and the Fourious, the third sequel to the street-racing-movie franchise to which he once swore he'd never return. (His legendary kiss-off speech, climaxing with, "Pimp my balls! The only movie I'm interesting in making stars an army of elephants and costs eleventy billion dollars!" is required reading for USC's From A to Z-List: A Survey of Movie Star Hubris class.) Even more exciting? People reports Diesel is a new dad:

Poor Ryan Phillippe. First, he earned a reputation as a shameful cheating husband who hurt the precious piece of Oscar-winning apple pie that is Reese Witherspoon, then gay-basher-turned-gay-lover Jay Leno urged Ryan to look “gay” on national television, and then his role in Stop Loss failed to live up to expectations. Rubbing salt into an already open wound, he admitted to USA Today last week that he avoids looking at pictures of Reese and Jake Gyllenhaal, calling the images “bizarre.” But last night, Phillippe finally battled this ongoing string of bad luck and publicly appeared at an Australian awards gala with "other woman" Abbie Cornish on his arm. We took a look back at all the hiding these two have done over the years, and what may have inspired Ryan to show the media he’s no longer in need of a pity party.

Less than 24 hours after a mildly grumpy Clint Eastwood took the race-bait laid for him by Spike Lee over his omission of black characters from his WWII films, Lee's imminent rebuttal appeared online at ABC News. Needless to say, the filmmaker did not exactly follow Eastwood's directions to "shut his face," but rather artfully engaged a few choice metaphors the elder director will no doubt take under advisement as he pursues that reported project about Nelson Mandela:

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

The Olsen Twins have been attached at the bony hip since first entering our living rooms as the painful-to-watch double duo of Michelle Tanner on Full House, during which they spent most of their first six years staring blandly into the camera and earning thigh-slapper after thigh-slapper off the laugh track. And right up until now, days before turning 19, both Mary Kate and Ashley have remained one seemingly inseparable force, designing their Row line together, co-operating Dualstar and even cohabitating in their New York party palace. But as the July issue of Elle reveals, all is not well in billionaire twinland. Mary Kate, either high on the scent of Christian Louboutin leather or suffering a brain fart after all the recent trapeze classes in China she blabs on and on about taking on a whim, spills a bit too much when it comes to the twins’ recent ...”differences.”

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by the loyal readers of Defamer. As a few emailers have noted, it took us a few weeks to collect this installment — if you want to see this feature run more frequently, be sure to send in your tips early and often! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you saw Work Out's Jackie Warner working out a gym other than the one she owns.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

In a warm-up for her long-awaited trip back in front of the camera, Lindsay Lohan paid a visit to Defamer videographer Molly McAleer for a run through this weekend's essential to do's. And LiLo clearly hasn't missed a beat, springing out of the Cannes closet and back into Los Angeles just in time to make her gay pride debut. We, too, are proud to welcome her, and we hope a free, frolicsome weekend with Sam Ronson and the rest of the sisters bodes well for the breakthroughs to come. Follow the jump for all the can't-miss action.

We can say with complete confidence that we have never been more confused, astonished, entertained, and oddly turned on by a music video than we are today, when we witnessed the magic of Willie Nelson’s “You Don’t Think I’m Funny Anymore.” What sounds incredibly boring turns out to be a tasty Southern stew featuring cameos from Owen Wilson, Luke Wilson, Woody Harrelson, Jessica Simpson, and Dan Rather. The casting kind of makes sense (Luke did that Movie That Shall Not Be Named with Jessica, Willie loves Jessica, Woody loves Owen, and Dan Rather is, well, available these days?), but whoever directed this clusterfuck of pool-hall scenes, lawn mower races and eerily quick flashes of an obese redneck wearing an “I (Heart) Owen” t-shirt has nevertheless managed to surpass Gondry in kookiness, surpass the Coens in suspense, and pretty much serve up the most bizarre clip we’ve seen yet this year. See what we mean after the jump. [People]

· Dennis Hopper will inherit the Terrence Howard role in Starz's small-screen adaptation of the Oscar-winner Crash. Kidding! Or only half-kidding, sadly: Hopper is indeed attached to star in this shitshow-to-be. [Variety]
· Despite the ad apocalypse foreseen prior to this year's upfronts, revenues appear to have surpassed even the rosiest optimists' predictions. [Variety
· Watching the Lakers lose an NBA Finals game is more popular than it's been in years! [Variety]
· After underachieving with a mere 15 films per year, Samuel L. Jackson is set to proliferate on TV after inking a first-look production deal with CBS Paramount. [THR]
· Keira Knightley, My Fair Lady updating, just try not to think about it. [Variety]

Thanks this week go to AT&T, Camp Camp, HBO, Honda Fit, Jet Blue, The MANual, MGM Grand Foxwoods, Radiohead and Unscrew America. If you would like to join this esteemed group of Defamer advertisers, all of the requisite information can be found here.

Of all the Hills characters deserving a spin-off series, MTV is allegedly going with the single most boring, vapid, expressionless cast member whom we suspect is the sole character not popping Adderall offered up by producers between takes. Just think what a Methanie Does Manhattan show might bring, with her Tatum O’Neal-esque late-night trips to Harlem. Or Spencer Does Santa Cruz, where MTV could allow viewers to watch his eyes quite literally pop out of his enormous head upon entering the glorious land of non-working, tree-gazing beach hippies.

Keep your insulin handy while having a look at the first trailer for Marley and Me, the screen adaptation of John Grogan's tearjerking best-seller about "live and love with the world's worst dog." Moreover, keep your eyes peeled for Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston, clinging to their bit-playing, beach-trotting pride as the namesake puppy's owners — helpless against its mischief, impossible cuteness and promotional star power. Look for the first teaser posters to follow shortly, with the A-listers and their names but specks below the pooch and Marley's 300-point tagline: WATCH THE DOG YEARS FLY BY. We can't wait for Christmas! [Fox via Vulture]

David Letterman and Julia Roberts were reunited on last night's Late Show, and it didn't feel so hot. The self-exiled Most Powerful Actress in Show Business seemed to us unnecessarily hard on the host and gushing dad, who was trying to make some point about celebrity baby-math (something about exponential levels of household chaos, not the old adage about knocking $5 mil off the opening weekend for every pregnancy). He was swiftly made to look the buffoon by the Charlie Wilson's War star and her rigidly literal-minded interpretation of family-sizes. And no one makes Dave look the buffoon—well, except maybe Julia. [Late Show]

It's either the best or worst idea in the history of television, but it's no doubt the most contradictory: Set for CMT this fall, Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling features competitors vying for some kind of reality-show supremacy in the wrasslin' arts, whose tactics they'll apparently learn from judges like Hogan and coaches including former pro stars Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake and Brian Knobbs. But then we had a look at the participants, and really, we wonder if CMT even has to buy insurance for this show:

Longtime readers of Defamer no doubt recall the days when our corporate campus was limited to a fifty-acre plot on the Eastside. True, we had all the razor scooters and air hockey we ever dreamed of, but, unfortunately, we were also solely reliant on the unstable intertube-accessing services of Time Warner Cable. This led to frequent outages, requiring the entire editorial department to wander, laptops in hand, from Silver Lake coffee house to coffee house in a desperate search for a working connection—where we'd inevitably be greeted with hastily posted signs of this nature. Why rehash the wounds of the past, you ask? Well, read on: