We'll admit we've been avoiding addressing the big, white, internet-clip-consent-seeking elephant in the room, so let's just get this out of the way: Today is Tuesday, July 1, 2008. Ring any bells? Yes, it's Canada Day, but the celebration of the day Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, Ontario and Quebec fused into one maple-syrup-slurping nation isn't important right now. Rather, today is SAG-contract-expiration day. The AMPTP made their final offer—"worth more than $250 million" said they—and lusciously coiffed SAG-head Alan Rosenberg announced the union would be taking the day to look at all 43 of its sumptuous, residuals-detailing pages. Some characterize the mood as calm—perhaps "eerily calm," suggests the NY Times, as not a single network executive has doused themselves in gasoline and lowered a lit Zippo to their heads in slow motion, mouthing, "But weeee were jusssst makinnng gains in Girrrrls 9-15 demooooo..." before erupting into a ball of skin-searing flames. We turn now to blogger newbie Peter Bart for his showbiz veteran's take on the highly precarious situation:

Any way you slice it, Gossip Girl star Blake Lively is having one helluva year. Not only is her show a big hit (online, that is), but she's starring in the anticipated sequel to Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants, she got to spend a few minutes flirting with David Letterman and she landed herself on the cover of the new issue of Vanity Fair (and didn't even have to pose with McLovin to do it!). One would think all would be well in Blake Lively's world. However, one would be wrong. You see, there's this pesky problem issue of people getting her confused with Paris Hilton that is, like, so frustrating and stuff to her! As she explains in the new issue of Seventeen:

A brief refresher course in what's currently going on in the wild world of the Lohans: Lindsay's dad, Michael, apparently banged some woman when he was separated from Lindsay's mom. The lady he banged had a child. Yesterday, Michael took a paternity test to see if the child is his. We're still waiting on that verdict, but stop the presses ... OK! Magazine has the first photos of Lindsay's potential half-sister Ashley!

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

· Who wants good news? We do! Us too, please! Hollywood business is up 4% from last year. Isn't that fantastic?! Go ahead, major studios—spend some of that extra money on something nice for yourselves. You've earned it. [Variety]
· X-Files 2: You Had Me Until The Anal-Probe Business star Gillian Anderson will produce and star in a biopic about Martha Gellhorn—not that girl from 6th grade who made your life a living hell, but "a trailblazing female war correspondent who covered conflicts from the Spanish Civil War to Vietnam." [Variety]

Newly homeless thin Colin Farrell has reportedly been keeping his new girlfriend hidden from the press for six whole months, and now that she’s been outed by the British tabs, we understand why. No, not because she lacks “stereotypical movie star” looks as the Daily Mail readily informs us, nor because she can’t remember to rip those silly plastic party bracelets off after downing free booze. It seems his “true love” is a little bit famous herself, in a Bridget Jones sort of way. Author Emma Forrest is the author of two novels, which in itself is not exactly shameful, but the titles (Namedropper and Cherries In The Snow: A Novel Of Love, Lust, Loss And Lipstick), along with her history of wearing “DITCH HIM!” message tees and telling reporters that interviewing Brad Pitt was the “best thing” she’s ever done, are! More on the girl responsible for greying Colin’s hair and sobering him up, after the jump.

When times are slow in the world of celebrity gossip, two people can always be counted on to liven things up a bit: Amy Winehouse and Kanye West. And now those two powerhouses of crazy have joined forces to pump out a story that is ...hold on to your hats... mildly interesting!

Faced with the dilemma of a lifetime last night—or, rather, six months of contractual P.D.A.s before an In Touch exclusive declares their televised romance to be over—The Bachelorette's DeAnna Pappas had to winnow down her remaining pool of recreational soulmates by one. But which one? Each of the final three was jetted off to the Bahamas for the shared-date they've surely always dreamed of. As the lapping waves beckoned in the distance—offering the promise of a slow but sweet watery escape from the constant droning of Pappas's voice—they were presented with an engraved invitation from host Chris Harrison to join the prize in a designated "Fantasy Suite." (Think of it as an ultra-softcore, petal-strewn sex-dungeon, where Pappas could sample the goods and decide with whom she most feels a ribbed connection.)

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

It remains to be seen whether Michael Lohan fathered a child-a 13-year-old half-sister for actress Lindsay Lohan-outside his marriage. (Michael Lohan's former girlfriend took more than a decade to press her claims; and he's taken a DNA test to prove his innocence.) Whatever. The 48-year-old former felon still ranks as Hollywood's worst celebrity father for another reason: an incredibly creepy voicemail which shows he lies to his troubled daughter. Even if you care nothing for the Lohans, it's worth a listen if only as a case study in awful showbiz parenthood.

Here's something no one's talking about: those pesky high gas prices. But while other, more "reputable" news sources are ignoring this pressing issue, we here at Defamer have decided to tackle it head on. So, what's a guy gotta do to pay less at the pump? Well, we tried invading an oil-rich country and that didn't work out. We could always drill in Alaska, but that would anger the extremely powerful Eskimo voting block. So the latest solution to come down the pike is to focus on the oil we have right here in our backyard. And since this is Los Angeles, our backyard includes that place Weezer sings about... Beverly Hills.

A little over a month ago, typically dependable celebrity-water-breaking newssource ET reported that Angelina Jolie had birthed conjoined-lifemate Brad Pitt's second batch of genetic progeny. But just as the world prepared to deliver a thunderous "Hazzah!" for Chosen Ones Numbers 2 through 3, the story was debunked, and a low moan of disappointment rolled across the land. Still, she can't hold on to those little messiahs forever—they'll eventually want out. In fact, one French publication called Closer (a brief look at their website suggests they cater to that lesser-sophisticated segment of France's population who demand access to exclusive photos of Really Skinny Colin Farrell) claims they are already here! From HuffPo:

UPDATE (11:31am): Looks like we've been pap'd! If only Ashton Kutcher could've come up with a ruse this elaborate, maybe Pop Fiction wouldn't have been unceremoniously dumped after 3 episodes. Instead, we got Audrina Patridge tattoos! Oh well, it was fun while it lasted...

The good news about this blind item in today’s NY Daily News? So many clues! Details and hints abound, from gender to marital status to what the estranged stars claim they “do” for a living. The bad news? Even when a blind item seems so specific and easy to see through, the gossip itself just doesn’t make sense. Case in point:

You may not know this, but somebody’s having a birthday this week. That’s right, it’s your old buddy America. And to celebrate, President Bush has given all his loyal subjects Friday off. But with the specter of a long flag-filled weekend looming in the horizon, some folks have decided to check out a little early. Talk shows are in reruns, agents and lawyers aren’t returning calls, and even our own ST VanAirsdale has headed off to Bora Bora on a secret tryst with Nikki Finke. But here at Defamer HQ, the show must go on. That’s why we called in the extremely talented (and modest) Nick Malis. He’ll be guest blogging for the rest of the week, giving you all the Madonna-divorcing, Angelina-twin-having news you can handle before you gorge yourself on burgers and dogs on Friday. Give him a warm welcome, folks.

But what of little David Banda? For whatever reasons, that was our first reaction to rumors that the marriage of conical-bra-popularizer Madonna to lad-flick director Guy Ritchie was all but over. Well, when we actually stop to think about it, we can figure out the reasons: Lourdes and Rocco are half Ciccone—meaning their DNA is hardwired to withstand just about anything life could throw at them. What's more, were there a divorce, the two elder siblings could access their respective biological dads at virtually any moment with little more than an international mobile calling plan. But not little David: His known world would be splintered apart, one parent flouncing off to the country of hot dogs and baseball, the other staying put in bangers-and-cricket land. His real dad, meanwhile, was a world away, catching glimpses of the domestic unrest in his local Malawian celebrity tabloid, and second-guessing all the while his decision to sell his son to the global pop icon for a year's salary and a signed copy of "The Immaculate Collection." We prayed—oh, how we prayed!—that somehow these two would make it work. Clearly, God hates us:

Supermarket billionaire Ron Burkle's name keeps popping up in the oddest places, doesn't it? When conman Rafaello Follieri was finally busted last week, the suit filed against him by his former business partner Burkle kept coming up. Jeffrey Epstein-finally sentenced yesterday for sex with a minor-used to be "very friendly" with Ron. They compared notes on planes! In that Vanity Fair story that upset Bill Clinton so much, it was Burkle who had those unnamed staffers worried about the appearance of impropriety. Now-the oddest one yet?-King of Pop Michael Jackson announced in a court deposition that it was Ron Burkle, along with the Reverend Jesse Jackson, who saved his life when he ran out of money. Burkle brought in the Reverend to help, and Burkle's also done quite a bit of business with the Reverend's son Yusef (they own Radar together!). What a cast of unlikely characters! Did this rogues' gallery of amoral power-junkies select Ron, or vice versa? Why does the ostensibly liberal do-gooder zillionaire associate with these guys?

· It's hard for us to fathom what it would be like to be 13 years old and related to Denise Richards. On one hand, holy hot aunt! On the other hand, there's moments like this, when Aunt Denise forces you into a conversation about her on-camera romps with Neve Campbell and the time she posed for Playboy. Awkward! [E!]

· Long-time rivals Jeffrey Wells and David Poland bury the hatchet long enough for Wells to wish Poland congratulations on getting married over the weekend. Well, sort of. [Hollywood Elsewhere]

· Either Katie Holmes and daughter Suri just got back from a Parisian bistro or they've got a big interview lined up at Foot Locker tomorrow. [ONTD]

· Videogum said it best, so we'll quote them: "Has Batman ever danced with the Batman in the pale moon light?" The answer is, unsurprisingly, yes. [Videogum]

· Adrian Grenier will surely "blank" the "blank" out of whatever club is willing to pay him $50,000 for the honors of hosting his upcoming birthday party. [Page Six]

Sadly, not all girly song-writing musicians are as easily whipped into shape as Joshua Kelley Heigl. And Jennifer Aniston is discovering this pesky factoid the hard way. In an attempt to gather some overseas materials for her inevitable post break-up scrapbooking sesh, Aniston reportedly spent much of John Mayer’s Hyde Park concert “snapping pictures,” tapping her foot and showering him with over-enthusiastic embraces and forced PDA as soon as he got a moment to relax. In short? “Clingy” Jennifer is back, and it only takes one photo frighteningly reminiscent of Ben Affleck’s passion-void camera-centric “kiss” to Jennifer Lopez in 2003 to signal trouble on the horizon. More details surrounding Aniston’s steadily approaching familiar descent towards relationship desperation after the jump.

As the clock ticks down to the planned (and totally insane!) October 17th release date of Oliver Stone's W, more details are emerging about the plot and structure of what we're still fairly convinced is some sort of elaborate April Fool's Day stunt. We've seen the teaser poster, and now, the Los Angeles Times' John Horn checks in on the film and reveals what could go down in cinematic history as one of the medium's most outrageous structural devices: