Brett Ratner gets a lot of shit here at Defamer. We've called him "annoying," "a hack," even... gasp... "a bad director." But one thing we won't do is say the guy doesn't appreciate fine literature. Why, according to Page Six, Ratner was the biggest star at an LA book signing the other night. Of course, that book was The Big Penis Book. And Taschen, the publisher, says it's "profusely illustrated with over 400 historic photos of spectacular male endowments."

You could slog, like we did, through Variety's mind-numbing accounting of which actors sided with the AFTRA agreement reached several weeks ago, which are aligning themselves with the cantankerously unbending SAG, and why. But wouldn't it be easier just to look at their accompanying Venn diagram, and get some instant bearings on where your favorite stars' guild loyalties lie? To spice things up, you can also pit the two sides in a variety of competitive scenarios far sexier than squabbling over pension and health contributions and terms. Which side would win a beach volleyball tournament? A kill-or-be-killed island survival week? A dance-off? A bathing-suit pageant? (George Clooney can either be applied to both teams, or neither. Peter Bart can only participate inasmuch as he likens any particularly satisfying victories to famous U.S. wartime battles.) Have fun!

Movie mogul Harvey Weinstein has always resented the fact that peers made more money than him with what he deemed to be inferior films. These days, he's obviously overcome this problem by milking reality shows for millions to prop up his more artsy products; but he couldn't always be so sanguine. Here we have a priceless and EXCLUSIVE classic from the archives: a recording of a phone call between Weinstein and Disney exec Joe Roth, taped shortly after Michael Ovitz-a spectacular failure as head of Disney-was paid more than $100 million to leave the company in 1996. Weinstein is galled beyond belief (and perhaps a bit envious). "Let's quit today!" he jokes. Why, he works his ass off and what does he get? A fucking lecture. "Joe, you're a success, so therefore you're a failure in this business," Weinstein complains. Then he insults his fellow moguls: "Between Peter Guber and Mike Ovitz and everybody who fucked up...Everybody got wealthy on failure." Weinstein just cares too much about the films, you see; "We have character flaws that must be overcome," he sighs. Thanks to Project Runway, he's done so. Click to listen to the titan of Hollywood in all his expletive-spitting glory.

A Strom Trooper for the Galactic Empire snuck away from a mission on the planet of Tatooine to a county fair on a nearby planet. The trooper felt his search for a couple of droids was becoming pointless and decided to play a little hooky instead. The trooper added, "It's like what that Ferris Bueller guy said, 'Life goes by pretty fast.' So what's the point of looking for a couple of droids when there's this super sweet slide and all of these other rides." The trooper used his Empire discount to get unlimited ride tickets. Before getting on the Tilt-A-Whirl, the Trooper said, "Those droids will be there tomorrow, but how often do you get to ride on the Tilt-A-Whirl?"

Is it possible that one of Hollywood's biggest comedic stars — who has had handlers and publicists coddling him with tales of his own greatness for years — has actually developed some self-awareness? Shocking as it may seem, it sounds like that's what's going on with Eddie Murphy. For example, why is he making a fourth Beverly Hills Cop movie? Not because of something so crass as money, but because "the third Beverly Hills Cop was horrible! I didn't want to leave it like that. The first two were cool and the third one was shitty. [Let's] get the franchise fixed again, clean up this old mess and do a good movie."

There are at least 140,796,667 lessons to be taken from the recent Sex and the City movie phenomenon, starting with the one about how an obsessively beloved TV series revolving around a tight group of Manhattan-based besties could make the successful transition to the big screen four years after leaving the airwaves. Now, reports U.K.-based Hollywood-scoop-service the Daily Mail, the varyingly employable stars of NBC's behemoth hit Friends are prepared to take their hanging-out-in-a-fake-looking-coffee-house adventures to the next level:

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

Judd Apatow is the first to admit that he makes "dick movies with heart," and his latest project is no exception. It's a relationship saga set in the world of stand-up comedy, and as he explains, "It's not a big high-concept movie. It's hopefully going to be a very, very funny drama."

Twice now, we've dangled before you the magnificent prospect of Angelina Jolie delivering two more blob-angels to her growing lineage. Both stories turned out to be wrong—the last of which left us so disappointed, we found ourselves tormented by anxiety nightmares on the topic. (One particularly harrowing scenario involved the Wanted star in stirrups as she shot out two genetically flawless newborns, who somehow managed to curve around a suspended pig carcass and land gently in adjoining cribs on the far side of the room.) In any case, it appears we are inching towards some perfect-baby-making resolution here:

$8 million. Does that seem like a lot of money for a company to pay to have mediocre models use their hair products on a mediocre cable show for a few seasons? It kind of does. But that's how much The Weinstein Company, run by entertainment mogul Harvey Weinstein, is trying to squeeze out of L'Oreal for three seasons of sponsorship of Project Runway. Of course, Weinstein has a long history of pimping out the fashion reality show to every company on earth willing to pay a dime to be on it, using it as a profit machine to support his company's less sure-thing ventures. And he's still milking it for every cent. How do we know? Because he left all the evidence in a public trash can:

· The Bachelorette producers must hate DeAnna Pappas. That's the only reason we can come up for airing this gag reel that reveals her softer belching and English-butchering sides. [The Bachelorette]
· Goldenfiddle compiles some of the best Wanted bad reviews into one hilariously satisfying read. [Goldenfiddle]
· This wound itself around the internets late last week—Jezebel ran a full transcript—but in case you haven't yet heard it, we now proudly present: The Douchiest Phone Message In History. (By the way, we have the perfect backup-Olga for you, Dmitri: DeAnna! She's Greek, too!) [Holytaco]
· The familiar punim of Rastajewian superstar Rogen graces the new Pineapple Express one-sheets. [TrailerAddict.com]
· And finally, we turn to the only man who can properly assess the Bear Freaking A Tree video currently eating the web alive: Defamer editor-at-large, Mark Lisanti. "Oh, my naive little friend: Clearly, once properly aroused by massaging his back on the tree, he's unleashing the full fury of his engorged bearcock on a quivering knothole. Sure, the splinters are a bitch, but such is the price of ursine erotic satsifaction." [Lisanti Quarterly]

You know that school Will Smith opened up in Calabasas? The one people are saying is a big front to indoctrinate children into the ways of Scientology? Well, we here at Defamer hate to pass judgment without at least a tiny bit of research. That's why I spent a few minutes skimming the New Village Academy's website. Surprisingly, there were no classes called "Worshiping Overlord Xenu" or "Releasing Your Inner Engram." But they do really stress building robots. In fact, the Educational Philosophy section of the site mentions robots no less than 4 times!

Radar reports that our favorite box office trailblazer, Josh Hartnett, has finally given up hope of nailing zingers on 30 Rock or appearing in a mildly successful movie and moved on to simpler pursuits: the London theater. In a role that will certainly pay homage to Tom Cruise’s former career as an actor, Hartnett will appear as Rain Man’s Charlie Babbit opposite a less-heartthrobby Brit filling Dustin Hoffman’s pigeon-toed shoes. Most interesting of all? Hartnett manages to say, “It has always been my intent to work on the London stage,” without laughing. But the bigger question remains (ahem, Katie Holmes): why do movie stars assume tackling the theater will be a breezy little side-job guaranteed to build acting cred? The track records of Julia Roberts, Denzel Washington, and David Schwimmer beg to differ, after the jump.

Here at Defamer HQ, we try our darndest to keep our internal politics from interfering with what you see on the homepage. For instance, you never read about the time that a heated debate between Seth and I about whether George Clooney or Val Kilmer was the worse Batman ended in fisticuffs. You also never heard about the time that Molly McAleer and Molly Friedman got into a slapfight so intense over who got rights to the molly@defamer.com email address that NATO had to be called in (the Gawker Media legal department has forbidden that we disclose who won that fight). But sometimes we get emails from readers that, try as we might, we just can't keep behind the scenes. One of those notes is the basis for this evening's installment of Defamer To Do's, starring the one and only Molls. In keeping with today's French theme, her rant tonight revolves around the highly controversial issue of the use of maquillage in these here vids. Enjoy!

Let's say you're a dude and you're looking for a way to make your undercarriage feel "so fresh and so clean." Then do what Puff Daddy and Jay-Z are doing and get yourself a Brazilian wax. That's right, two of our most famous rap stars have admitted to—how can we put it delicately?— applying molten wax to their nuts and ass cracks and having the hair ripped out of the follicle. Ladies have been doing this forever, and it's about time men started sharing their pain.

Yesterday, we unveiled a short excerpt from Vanity Fair's exciting "Fresh New Hollywood Faces Of Tomorrow Today or Whatever" issue, in which Superbad breakout-sidekick Christopher Mintz-Plasse was made to answer a series of revealing multiple-choice questions. ("Coffee, tea, or me? Boxers or Lethal Injection?"). Accompanying the interview was a stunning black-and-white portrait, in which Mintz-Plasse teetered on a tree limb next to three comely up-and-comers: Zoë Kravitz (Lenny's kid), Superbad co-star Emma Stone, and Olivia "Honest to Blog" Thirlby. What the bucolic photograph successfully managed to hide, however, was that it was taken in the middle of a heavy downpour.

This probably won't come as a surprise to anyone who witnessed her seemingly hating every minute she spent pregnant, but new mom Jessica Alba has joined that elite niche of stars who lost all their baby weight at insanely rapid speeds. But the methods some celebrities have confessed to using when it comes to accelerating the path towards reclaiming their old figures don’t sound entirely sane. From suffering through cabbage soup diets to dropping $50,000 on gym equipment in an effort to slim down at paces up to 14 days after giving birth, the likes of Jennifer Lopez, Gwyneth Paltrow, Nicole Richie and others have some highly unique and scary track records. Which stars drunk themselves into wine-induced oblivion and trusted online blood tests to reach their goals, after the jump.

So, the other day on Fox News, amidst a rant about Obama's support from the liberal Hollywood elite, the decidedly un-elite Stephen Baldwin told Laura Ingram that he'll leave the country if Barack gets elected. Obviously, the knee-jerk reaction here is to say, "Then we'd better do our best to make sure that happens." You can see it on Baldwin's face right after he makes his statement. He knows he's gonna get murdered in the blogsphere. But that's not happening here. Not today. I like Baldwin, and I'd be sad not to have him as a citizen of our country.

While on the set of Labor Pains, Cheryl Hines wanted the paparazzi to know that there are other people in the movie besides Lindsay Lohan. Hines thought it would be nice if the photographers could expand their photographic horizons and take pictures of other people on set, too. Hines explained that she understands that Lohan is bit of a financial rainmaker for people, but she felt it would be nice if they took her photo from time to time. Hines enjoys having proof to show friends and family that she's working on a fairly regular basis.

It's a crappy world out there. The economy is in the pooper, oil is a million dollars a barrel, fires are raging out of control, and don't even get me started on other countries. But just when you think things are too bleak for words, life provides you with a little nugget of awesomeness. And today that nugget is the New Kids on the Block recording a song with New Edition! "But how can this be?" you ask. "I checked my watch and it's not the 1980s!" Well, thanks to the magic of reunions, the two reigning boy bands of our youth have joined forces and are making sweet music together (tragically sans Bobby Brown).