Another day, another approximately 12,000 steaming new dishes laid out in the ongoing Madonna/Guy Ritchie divörgåsbord, a sumptuous schadenfreude buffet. We highlight a few, for your gustatory enjoyment:· Madonna's inner-circle (a 450-person-strong army consisting of stylists, trainers, hair & makeup people, plastic surgeons, background singers and Voguers, and one horseback riding instructor) claim Ritchie's nickname is "Material Guy," for his notorious gold-digging tendencies. [The Sun] · A-Rod is shopping around for real estate near Madonna's apartment on the Upper West Side, and is closing in on an $80 million, 5,200-square-foot penthouse in the new Robert A.M. Stern condo going up there. [NY Daily News] · In the NYC-London battle royale for Madonna's presence, look for New York to win. She accepted a life in London for Ritchie's sake. That means a Brooklyn accent should return within the year! Yay! [People] · Unless of course you believe the story that says her heart is in London, and she could never leave. [Daily Mail] · Ritchie reportedly infuriating Madonna when she learned he humiliated daughter Lourdes by pointing out her budding breasts and saying she's "becoming a woman" over lunch. [The Sun] · Ritchie claims he's being spied upon by Madonna's camp, saying, "this is a divorce, not the Cold War." [The Sun] · Madonna and kids arrived at the Chelsea Piers sports facility in New York with a massive security duty—and in a particularly nice touch, Rocco was wearing a Yankees T-shirt. Both he and sister Lourdes were photographed laughing and playing. [Daily Mail] · African demi-orphan David Banda's biological father is apparently listening in to the developments on his battery-operated Aiwa radio in disgust, telling The Sun: "I am still a poor farmer with nothing to offer, but maybe he'd be better off back with us. This woman, Madonna, told me herself that David was beautiful and made her happy and she promised to take care of him. Now I see him in a big bewildering crowd in the street with people pushing and shoving, and many cameras around, and without a mother and father to hold his hand. I'm feeling bad for him." [Newsday]

Exhibiting a soulful, undernourished defiance not seen since Nelson Mandela strolled out of a South African prison a generation ago, young Nick Hogan ended his own 166-day incarceration ordeal early this morning in Florida. There, at the mouth of the Pinellas County Jail, he was reunited with his mother Linda, sister Brooke and a gaggle of media whom Linda rebuffed on her 18-year-old Supra-wrecking, friend-paralyzing martyr's behalf:

Even after our heartfelt appeal for someone, anyone to stop the pimped-out madness that has overtaken Ed McMahon's life, the 85-year-old was featured in an interview this morning of Fox Business, shilling once again for his latest benefactors. But when the chat turned from McMahon's evidently in-demand personal finance tips to his reported bailout by the archangel Donald Trump, the pitchman and ex-Carson sidekick shrugged. "Everything that seems like its wonderful becomes unclear," he said, noting that he still had some Trump-work to do upon returning to Beverly Hills from his East Coast sojourn. "That has not resolved itself yet." No way! Ed explains more after the jump, and while we know the popular warning in investing is that past results are no guarantee of future performance, this really might be just the deal for the short seller in you. [YouTube]

Doggone It: Though he once compared Sarah Palin to George W. Bush, Alec Baldwin aided her cameo appearance on Saturday Night Live this weekend, and the blowback he got for the guest spot has him stymied. "Don't put her on SNL? With all of her exposure and the Tina Fey performance? What reality are you in?" he says on the Huffington Post. "If you think an appearance on Saturday Night Live would sway voters and actually affect the outcome of the election, you may have more contempt for the electorate of this country than the Republican National Committee does. And that's a lot of contempt." Still, we must admit to some surprise that the outspoken, anti-Palin actor was able to bury the hatchet for SNL; what's next, an olive-branch cameo on My Name is Earl? [HuffPo]

We eventually managed to crawl out of the filthy puddle of our own tears on Friday afternoon, but let's face it—life just isn't the same without Molly. We're going to continue To Dos starting today as they originally ran: as a straight-up, text-only feature. Undoubtedly, her legions of admirers will gag at the precipitous stumble in quality; we welcome your outraged complaints in the comments. Meanwhile, people need stuff to do, and stuff is being done, so we continue with this Defamer public service: · Music round-up: Pinback, Mr. Tube & the Flying objects are at the Echoplex, Girl in a Coma play a free show at Amoeba at 7, and Andrew Bird is at Largo.· Well, here's something that might lift your spirits: Duncan Trussell Saves the World: An Exploration of Happiness is "an actual exploration of happiness that will even include a pre-show puppy adoption in the lobby." It's at the Steve Allen Theater. · The Academy's Linwood Dunn Theater offers the fourth part of its Oscar Docs series, screening a double feature of movies from 1992: Educating Peter—about a third-grader with Down syndrome entering his first classroom—and The Panama Deception, about the U.S. invasion of Panama. Panama producer-director Barbara Trent will be on hand for a discussion following the screening.

Hollywood PrivacyWatch: 10/20, lunchtime — Spotted Mark Ruffalo with a blonde woman and cute little girl (his daughter?) hanging out by the Loteria! Mexican food place at Farmer's Market. They went to the rad sticker store, where he helped the kid decide between Dora the Explorer and Wall-E stickers. It would have been too obvious to walk in behind them (the store's pretty tiny), so I don't know what they ended up picking — sorry. He's scruffy, with surpisingly gray hair, and smaller than expected (natch). An awesome lunchtime sighting. [Hollywood PrivacyWatch is written by and for Defamer readers; send your sightings to tips@defamer.com.]

We're 15 days away from arguably the most culturally charged election of the last 50 years, and it's not just David Letterman's outrage or Sarah Palin's SNL cameos moving the needle. In fact, the celebrity PSA crop of 2008 is as ripe as it's ever been — literally so, in fact, with every encouraging offering on the air giving way to three or four smug, pretentious, condescending or otherwise botched campaigns elsewhere. It happens every four years, as sure as the primaries; just when we think we'd seen it bottom out, along come Leonardo Di Caprio, Blake Lively, Carlos Mencia to knock us back to the Clinton era. So enough already, Hollywood! After the jump, find eight dos and don'ts to keep in mind when striving for the perfect celebrity PSA. You have four years to practice — on your mark, get set, go.1. DO let Jonah Hill host more PSA's on his own. As much as we appreciate the condescending, autoerotic flavor of Di Caprio, Dustin Hoffman, Natalie Portman, Demi Moore and a cast of elite thousands, this Declare Yourself ad proved that all it takes is an actual sense of humor about drugs, abortion and the economy to stir potential interest in the issues. 2. DON'T leave the Latino vote to Carlos Mencia, Cheech Marin and co. At least with Cheech around, however, Mencia can't steal Jonah Hill's jokes. 3. DO emphasize Justin Timberlake if you have a choice between him and Jessica Biel. He's just funnier, a better singer and there's always an outside chance of him "accidentally" pulling off someone's clothing. 4. DON'T give Hayden Panettiere her own spot. Especially not on Funny or Die, where she's neither funny nor dies nor so much as dings the McCain campaign she attempts to swear off — literally. Click to view 5. DO give Hayden Panettiere a spot with Jessica Alba. The "Muzzler" commercials are by far the most effective portion of Declare Yourself's multi-phase campaign to register young voters. Which is to say: We're sure the light bondage practiced on nubile, destabilizingly earnest starlets also compelled older men in the electorate to register their own "young voters" all over their keyboards. Remember, guys — you can only register once! No cheating! 6. DON'T let Anne Hathaway dance. Or anyone else for that matter. Perhaps the worst PSA of the season, this Creative Coalition spot is about as fresh as the bumper-sticker rack at a Wasilla scripture house. 7. DO pit Jews against each other. The Jewish Council for Education and Research brought on Sarah Silverman as the spokesperson for its "Great Schlep" — a late spring break of sorts encouraging young Jews to head off to Florida and convince their Nanas that Barack Hussein Obama is not the anti-Israel terrorist the GOP has allegedly made him out to be. Jackie Mason soon fired back on behalf of the Republican Jewish Coalition, smearing Silverman as a "sick yenta" over a saucy klezmer soundtrack. We hate to see such striking discord under the circumstances, but it's either this, or it's Roseanne Barr vs. Jon Voight. Which isn't a choice at all. 8. DON'T rope Blake Lively and Penn Badgley into a PSA together and not insist they make out for the Obama cause. Especially if we have to sit through the whole pasty cast of Fame: The Remake or Emo High or whatever the fuck just to get to Lively's sign-off. Of course, this being the United States of Defamer, your own suggestion are more than welcome below. Let freedom ring — or at least be less painful to watch on a quadrennial basis.

After spending the day mourning a new void in the world of celebrity fashion dissing, count on Monday night's powerhouse female-driven lineup to get you out from under the covers. WATCH Gossip Girl [8 PM, CW] - This week, Blair convinces slime-ball Chuck to seduce Vanessa in retaliation for Vanessa trying to blackmail Blair, and—surprise, surprise—Serena isn't on her best behavior during her parents' lavish party. Even if you've told everyone in the office that you're catching up on script coverage tonight, we all know you'll be tuning in to see which Upper East Side residents have the hottest chemistry, style sense and [fake] eating disorder.

Earlier today, America was introduced to Edit Pakay, the tennis coach who allegedly taught beleaguered sex addict David Duchovny more than just a one-handed backhand. "I am not going to deny it," she helpfully told The Mail. "If you want to write that we have an affair then fine. I will not argue against it." Now, though, after an abduction/probe by Duchovny's lawyers, Pakay is doing just that. Go figure! The chatty-yet-confused tennis instructor took the new version of her story to E!:

We interrupt the regular schedule to offer this important announcement: You may have noticed yet another intriguing feature added to our ever-evolving commenting boards: collapsed comments. Understandly, some of you have expressed dismay that your comments have been reduced to the first few words, their remainder shoved away into a digital drawer by some clutter-averse Type-A in Defamer's Feedback Development Sciences department. There's a handy loophole to the feature, however:If you follow other commenters by clicking the heart beneath their user name, turning it red, all their comments will appear in their full, singeingly witty glory. (We can also solve the problem by awarding you star status, which also gives you top priority; we promise to do more of that around here, just as soon as we receive the cupcake gift baskets you have undoubtedly already called in for delivery.) Also, if you haven't yet discovered the exciting "Feedback" link at the bottom of our homepage, we invite you to do so immediately. Simply inputting your Defamer-related frustration or suggestion will whisk it off via pneumatic intertube to HQ, whereupon one of our 24-hour service hedgehogs will instantly leap into action to address it. That is all! Carry on.

Click to viewBoomp3.com A small skirmish broke out between Tom Cruise and daughter Suri Cruise on the streets of Manhattan over the weekend. Cruise insisted that the twosome go across the street to the Fresh & Tootie Fruity, nature’s candy store, whereas Suri insisted that they visit Chocolate EXXXXplosion!—the city’s most delicious and explosive ice cream parlor. Said Suri: "Remember when we watched Lions For Lambs and I didn’t complain or sigh or groan? Well, consider this the payback." [Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

The first reviews of Quantum of Solace are in, a mixed lot providing a mostly underwhelmed response to a shorter (in running time, not baby-blue-mankini hemlines) Bond film. Bottom line: Solace is packed with brooding, Bournesian action, but lacking in all those touches that—you know—leave an audience more stirred than shaken. What all manage to agree upon is the effectiveness of Daniel Craig in the lead, as well as the excellent performance delivered by Gemma Arterton, an actress who sinks all dozen of her claws into a small but pivotal role. Here's a sampling of what critics are saying:· "It's James Bond, licence to bore....Bond is a boorish oaf who simply rushes from country to country with the manic speed of Jason Bourne, including sequences shot in Panama, Chile, Italy, Mexico and Austria, in a plot about holding a country to ransom over its water supply...Quantum of Solace lacks any wit, ironic or otherwise, which has been a strength of so many 007 films...At around one hour 40 minutes, this Bond is shorter than most. Somehow it felt longer." [Times Online] · "Quantum Of Solace doesn’t seem like a major entry in the Bond canon. Well under two hours long, it’s shorter and more frenetic than most of its predecessors, and an often-jolting experience to watch. Loose ends about. What it does have, though, above all, is vigour." [The Independent] · "I was disappointed there was so little dialogue, flirtation and characterisation in this Bond: Forster and his writers Paul Haggis, Neal Purvis and Robert Wade clearly thought this sort of sissy nonsense has to be cut out in favour of explosions." [The Guardian] · "One wonders if director Marc Forster and screenwriters Paul Haggis and Neal Purvis haven't tried a little too hard to distance the film from traditional Bond plots. The expository dialogue scenes can be dull, and cram in so many machinations and double-crossings that it's easy to lose track of who's duping whom." [Telegraph] · [SPOILERS] "Mostly it doesn't feel like a Bond film at all. Not once does Craig say: "The name's Bond. James Bond." There's no Q or his gadgets. Heck, we even see Bond in a cardigan. There are no risque quips or arched eyebrows. This Bond is a soul in torment having lost the love of his life when Vesper Lynd drowned...It doesn't disappoint - just don't expect the brilliance of Casino Royale. [Daily Mail] · "The raw nature of the film may put off some who yearn for the days of gizmos, gadgets and Bond quips as he dispenses with faceless opponents...It's a film that feels like the second part of a trilogy, with this being the bleaker second act." [BBC]

We're not exactly sure when Ellen took a complete detour into surreality, but it might have happened on today's show, when Ellen DeGeneres asked vice presidential nominee Joe Biden to perform the charity-inspired task of throwing balls at a dunk tank. And who would be sitting in said tank, ready to be pitched into the cold water below should one of Biden's balls hit the target? Seinfeld actress Julia Louis-Dreyfus, because why not.The resulting spectacle was like a Republican's fever dream of what could happen should the Obama/Biden ticket make it to the White House: Democrats stoning/drowning innocent straight women in the public square as gay-married lesbians cheer them on. If we only could have brought out Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid to do an awkward dance while DJ Tony Okungbowa played "Me So Horny." Next time, guys!

Hollywood PrivacyWatch: 10/15 — "I saw Ryan Gosling and mystery girl (not Rachel McAdams ZOIKS!) outside of the UCB theatre on Wednesday. He was laughing and trying to put her inside of his jacket. She was text messaging, or bothering with her phone, and trying to avoid getting burnt by his lit cig. They looked happy and oblivious." [Zoiks indeed! Hollywood PrivacyWatch is written by and for Defamer readers; send your sightings to tips@defamer.com. And watch your hair, young lady!]

Click to viewBoomp3.com Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez took a meeting with Academy Award winner Sean Penn on Monday. President Chavez wondered why Penn hasn’t done a part like the immortal Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Penn did not have an answer, nor was he willing to do the voice for the leader. [Photo Credit: Flynet] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

The fallout from Paramount's recent release-date shuffle continues today, with agents and saber-rattling DreamWorks brass continuing their protest over The Soloist's move to 2009. While we sustain our first impression that the Jamie Foxx/Robert Downey Jr. tearjerker will in fact be better than the diabetic-coma inducing trailers already in circulation, that's not much comfort to those who fear the bump from November to March will impugn Soloist's profile among critics and audiences alike. But now, as a peace offering to the angry gods at CAA who packaged the film for the 'Works with its clients Downey, Foxx and director Joe Wright, Paramount has forged a silver lining for one-third of that jilted braintrust.Sort of. After all, can DreamWorks or CAA ever really find consolation in a Tropic Thunder campaign pushing Downey as Best Supporting Actor? They'd better — neither Downey nor Foxx had a shot at Best Actor anyway with Sean Penn (Milk), Josh Brolin (W.), Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler) and Brad Pitt widely foreseen to hold down four of the five slots, and the latter star's Curious Case of Benjamin Button (not to mention, to a lesser degree, Downey's Iron Man performance) already drawing from Paramount's awards war chest. DreamWorks insiders are still griping over some perceived revenge from Paramount, but even they'd acknowledge that The Soloist is better off with spring prestige all to itself. And that a nominated blackface performance is no doubt one of the least controversial ways to revive public interest in the Oscars. We're pulling for you, RDJ.

· Hugh Grant has abandoned Lost For Words, a comedy about a British actor who falls in love with his Chinese-speaking director, played by Ziyi Zhang. A spokesman blames creative differences—shorthand for, "Look, the script stank, OK? Imagine Music & Lyrics, but you can't understand what the fuck Drew Barrymore is saying. I mean, more so than usual." [Variety] · Cartoon Network is developing NASTYbook—a children's book series of twisted tales like the one about the "Internet-trolling witch"—into a CGI film, repackaged as Dr. Laura: The Movie. Eep! [THR] After the jump: Advantage, SAG!· SAG is playing "hot potato" with the strike issue: They've asked for a federal mediator, putting off a strike-approval vote and essentially placing the ball back into the producers' court. Variety's apostrophes, meanwhile, are in Day 18 of their little-known Firefox-only labor stoppage, crippling the world's leading trade paper until editor Peter Bart agrees to to their demands for better working conditions in his rough drafts. [Variety, THR] · A.C.O.D. (Adult Children of Divorce), a divorce comedy feature from two Daily Show writers, is being developed by Miramax. [THR] · A long Jets-Raiders game gave CBS the win last night, edging out ABC's Desperate-led lineup. [Variety]

"Follow That Tiny Speeder Bike!" We defy you to look at this adorable Star Wars tableau—achieved, much care is taken to point out, without the use of Photoshop, but rather with an actual Scout Trooper action figure riding bareback on an actual adorable chipmunk—without going, "Awww." Still, we'd caution not to look at the next photo in the series, in which the Trooper slices open the chipmunk's stomach and climbs inside to survive a bitter Hoth ice storm. [Great White Snark]

In an appearance Saturday on NPR's Weekend Edition, Terrence Howard interrupted his discussion of his new album with a Zen meditation on his recent departure from the Iron Man franchise. And if it seemed unusual last week that Howard might bow out of the blockbuster's sequel, leaving his role as Tony Stark confidante Jim Rhodes (and his own heroic alter-ego War Machine) to the capable, cheaper hands of Don Cheadle, the scenario didn't get any clearer as the actor wavered between the high road and calling Marvel Studios a scandalous gang of thieves and pimps:

Bedimpled Survivor emcee Jeff Probst is the creator of his own reality show concept, one which he pledges will take its subjects "on the last adventure of their life." The crucial word there is "last," as Live Like You’re Dying hinges on the stultifying premise that a different, terminally ill individual will have their wildest dreams enacted weekly, to the delight of millions of weepy Americans everywhere. In that sense, it could just as easily be called Survivor: Forget About It—anything, really, besides Live Like You're Dying, a title in which the word "like" seems entirely out of place. (Face It, You're Dying?) An enthused Probst explained the pitch further to EW.com: