Tragedy was narrowly averted on the set of Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes, a colorful report circulating the UK gossip press claims, when Robert Downey Jr. very nearly set his penis ablaze in a pipe-smoking incident gone terribly wrong:

Longest. Election. Ever. After two years of baskstabbing, backslapping and backbiting, we'll know by early Wednesday morning which Senator will be signing the Executive Orders for emergency food supplies and government assistance disbursements when the economy goes into the metaphorical Andy Gump port-a-john. Your future, however, does not depend on the Electoral College, but on the stars. If today - November 3 - is your birthday: While it would seem logical to take down that Sarah Palin effigy this week, keep it up well through the holiday season. That flow of Scientology solicitors has all but but dried up. More astrological excitement after the jump!

Last night's Treehouse of Horror episode of The Simpsons featured a direct homage to Mad Men—the familiar strings accompanying a silhouette of Homer tumbling down the side of a building on whatever Springfield's answer to Madison Avenue is.(Probably the place that came up with this ingenious Kwik-E-Mart campaign, replete with a real live Comic Book Guy!) The Halloween episode scored the highest ratings in five years for the animated series. Unfortunately, the Mad Men parodying ended at the title sequence; as much as we wanted to hear Homer say, "It’s not called a wheel, it’s called a donut. Round and a round, and sprinkly delicious. Arhghghllll....dooonuttttt. To a place where we know we are loved," instead we got Homer on a bizarre celebrity killing spree that cost us Prince and George Clooney.

Sienna Miller's struggles for relevance beyond the bedrooms of her paramours may have finally received the onscreen antidote they need: Cow's blood. The starlet appears in a new, Tony Kaye-directed music video for the British band the Hours, featuring Miller traipsing through various phases of hospital-gowned distress. And where handbag boutiques, CAT scans and tear-streaked therapy sessions fail, a romp through a Damien Hirst installation of cow carcasses and blood momentarily revives her with the clear-eyed sense of purpose that eluded even her acclaimed turn in Factory Girl. If this doesn't nudge Nottingham back on track at Universal by the end of lunch today — assuming the sight bovine entrails in the video after the jump don't void your lunch — then surely all hope is gone. [YouTube]

We'd only just begun to recover from the news that Lamas Family Acting Dynasty scion Shayne Lamas had ended her arranged marriage to British Bachelor guy—a decision followed by a downward spiral of public bum-flashings and belt-chewing for the young, single actress. Now comes news that yet another of the series's pairings—that of onetime gazebo rejectee turned manhungry shopping-spree winner DeAnna Pappas to snowboard instructor Jesse Csincsak—has come undone:

In Pershing Square yesterday, Defamer stood alongside fellow Californians waging war against the evil Prop 8, hoisting placards and cheering wildly as passing vehicles (including city buses and cop cars) honked their support for equal civil rights for all. Meanwhile, at a Yes on 8 rally outside City Hall, none other than Austrian fashion journalist and trendspotter Brüno had infiltrated the scene. (Amazingly, The Sun once again reports he was there to shoot footage for "Brüno: Delicious Journeys Through America for the Purpose of Making Heterosexual Males Visibly Uncomfortable in the Presence of a Gay Foreigner in a Mesh T-Shirt," our own parody title that simply refuses to die.) People reports that once Sacha Baron Cohen was discovered, his "own camera crew worked to shield him. Eventually, he was escorted away inside a van"—the suspiciously swishy hunter became the hunted! We salute what must have been an incredibly difficult decision for Bruno to wear Dockers, a Men's Warehouse shirt, and no hair product in order to blend with the unfabulous crowd more efficiently. More photos after the jump:

The Reader may still require a month's worth of round-the-clock editing under armed guard, but the Kate Winslet drama has at last yielded a trailer to remind us that there is an Oscar-hopeful under all those layers of Harvey Weinstein-Scott Rudin ego-crisis. And like last week's not-embarrassing Valkyrie teaser, the preview assures us that its prestige creds are in place, thus setting the table for the next phase of its awards campaign, "Getting Winslet to Say Anything Positive About It At All." Though the Rudin loyalist spends most of her time in a new interview with Vanity Fair promoting her and Leonardo DiCaprio's Revolutionary Road, there is the modest admission that "you bet your fucking ass" she wants an Oscar this year:

High on Pot: Roger Ebert's been on such a unhinged roll as of late (slamming Ben Lyons, posting creationism parodies, and handing out eight-minute reviews) that one may wonder, what's been eating him? Now, Ebert has taken to his blog with the answer: it's not what's eating him, it's what he's eating, and what's he's eating comes from "The Pot," a rice cooker that is the recipient of Ebert's new, 2590-word essay. "We try. We learn. We experiment. When we have absorbed the principle of the Pot, we will find ourselves day-dreaming new combinations." [Roger Ebert]

The only words you'll hear more than "It's your fault" today at Weinstein Company HQ: "It could have been worse," the unofficial new TWC battle cry after Zack and Miri Make a Porno opened over the weekend to a disappointing $10.7 million. Indeed, it probably will be worse — Universal and Lionsgate accused the Weinsteins of inflating their gross by as much as a million dollars, and just for fun, another potential lawsuit threatens the brothers' follow-up this week. So who is to blame, anyway, and what's next?As director Kevin Smith told the LA Times today, "If [Zack and Miri] dies at the box office, I don't think we'll see another porn-related comedy for a long time." We have a better idea: Make all the porn comedies you want, just don't release them on Halloween behind a campaign featuring sanitized TV spots and stick figures of Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks. While the latter star still remains a relatively unknown box-office quanity, Rogen has done nothing but open one R-rated comedy after another since last year. Zack and Miri, not so much: It's Rogen's worst opening by far, collecting less than a third of Knocked Up's $30.7 million draw in May '07 and contorting his agent into insisting Rogen doesn't need fellow UTA-er Judd Apatow behind him — as with Knocked Up, Superbad and Pineapple Express — to deliver a hit. Smith, meanwhile, probably won't even beat his opening for Clerks 2, triggering critics to ask how much demand — if any — remains for his digressive brand of raunch. But don't take our word for it: He anticipated it himself, pushing the script for his terrorism drama Red State during the press rounds for Zack and Miri. The Weinsteins didn't want it then and definitely won't take it now; their parting ways with the filmmaker (for now) has less to do with taste than insolvency, particularly with the backlog of films piling up next to the mop in their utility closet. It was fun while it lasted. Except the Jersey Girl part, of course, but they're over it.

Never in our wildest dreams did we think our Halloween gift to you—the Do-It-Yourself Grazerhead mask—would become the runaway success that it did, with literally tens of thousands of the Officially Sanctioned Headshots™ swarming the streets of L.A. Friday night, each accompanied by their very own candy-appraisal attaché. (Grazerhead: "What do we think about Nerds?" Attaché: "We like them.") We urge you to send in your Night of the Living Grazerheads Photos; in the meantime, unwrap some box office numbers from your premium candy pile:1. High School Musical 3 - $15.035 million Every sweeping social movement in this country's history came with its own stirring soundtrack, from "Yankee Doodle" to "Amazing Grace" to Joan Baez singing "We Shall Overcome" to a field of rain-soaked Woodstock participants. And as we too now stand at the crossroads of hope and progress, we can think of no better accompaniment than East High's eunuch basketball team singing "Now or Never." The times, they are indeed a-changin'. 2. Zack and Miri Make a Porno - $10.682 million As we predicted, the Seth Rogen comedy fell about $4 million shy of the HSM kids. (Who, it should be pointed out, had already explored that topic well over a year ago, when tweens still found the DIY-porn-thing cool.) The blame-flinging begins momentarily, in a heated phone exchange between Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Smith, the beleaguered Weinstein Company head shouting, "You just HAD to tell the toilet story, didn't you? Because when people want to forget their problems for a few hours with a laugh and perhaps a glimpse of some Elizabeth Banks skin, what they're really crying out for is the image of you taking a dump and shards of porcelain suddenly flying off in all directions. Bravo, Kevin. Bravo. No really. Well played, my friend," before mumbling a "Jesus Christ," and hanging up in disgust. 3. Saw V - $10.11 million We're torn. On the one hand, we're thrilled to have Jigsaw and his little tricycle-riding puppet Billy come out against Prop 8. On the other hand, did they really have to rig the voting booths so that a bear trap clamps down on your head if you press "Yes?" Enh, why not. 4. Changeling - $9.407 million Clint Eastwood's latest earned an average $5,085 per screen—more than any other movie in the top ten—meaning that at least a few people might have understood why you were rollerskating around Santa Monica Blvd. Friday night with some brown Cabbage Patch Dolls, a 1920s hat, red lipstick, and not much else. Everyone else just figured you were another naked freak at the parade. Either way, however, you're bound to see yourself in Frontiers magazine next week. Congrats! 5. The Haunting of Molly Hartley - $6.009 million Chace Crawford's leap to the big screen is looking to be one of this year's big Razzie frontrunners, earning a solid 00% on Rotten Tomatoes. The movie's hormonal fanbase, however—while feeling it "dragged in spots" and could have "been scarier,"—strongly felt that the star's own performance was, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH CHACE I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Distributor Freestyle is hoping that could translate to robuts home video sales.

Though both Barack Obama and John McCain were rumored to be planning appearances on last night's episode of Saturday Night Live, only McCain showed up in the end, and the two sketches he appeared in repped a decidedly mixed bag.McCain was game throughout the cold open, a QVC ad that spoofed his inability to match Obama's major network infomercial. Unfortunately for the candidate, his willingness to self-deprecate (with wife Cindy along for the ride as a ginsu knife spokesmodel) was deflated by a clearly over-it Tina Fey as Sarah Palin, whose every through-the-motions gesture read, "Is an 8.5 not enough for you people?" Later, McCain appeared solo for a Weekend Update skit where he was greeted with a chorus of boos before launching into an amiable self-ribbing. Was the bit funny enough to overcome that rocky first impression? We've got the Hulus — cast your vote. Click to view

· Hurry! Time is running out to decide your Defamer-brand Halloween costume: Is it The Maverick? The Icon? The Aberration? The Dreamer? The Rebel? Or are you and your bearish twin pairing up as Visionaries? · We didn't believe it at first either, but Joaquin Phoenix is "nooommmf deadserious" about quitting acting. · Now that Amy Poehler's out at Saturday Night Live, welcome her equally riotous replacement, Coldplay. · Just when we thought New York offered the most touching sentiments regarding last weekend's horrible Jennifer Hudson family tragedy, along came The Back-Up. · Which celebrity TV doctor went looking for a wife on Craigslist? And when he finds her, how long will it be before she demands a Michael Phelps rental? · DreamWorks said goodbye to David Geffen, the LA Times said goodbye to Carina Chocano, Dancing With the Stars said goodbye to Cloris Leachman, and everyone said goodbye to Estelle Reiner. · Every major network but ABC aired the boring-ass 'The Barack Obama Show,' but we're sure that episode of Pushing Daisies was worth it. · Which was the better meme: "Contract, Guy, contract," or "Google me, you dumb fuck?" · Now that Zac Efron has the No. 1 movie in America, there's no Footloose remake or shower-photo scandal too big for him to take on. · Lauren Conrad more than made up for Hills castmate Audrina Patridge's sudden, shocking lack of visibility. · Oscar season is upon us, if Disney's new Wall-E campaign and this week's Milk highs and lows are any indication. · A hot zombie actress is terrifying, but nothing compares to the horror of moonshineface. · The ladies at The View may still hate each other, but that won't keep them from a Happy Halloween. Follow their example — have a good weekend, everybody!

We Know How She Feels. We must bid a sad farewell, ladies and gentleman, to the mastermind behind A Call to the Bullpen, Douglas Reinhardt. Today was his last day. As you all know, Doug's talent for pairing celebrity photos with hilarious headlines and vividly imagined scenarios from a slightly askew imagination made for some classic moments on Defamer. There were many, but we'll always have a place in our heart for this one. We wish him the best of luck, and invite you to browse through his archives by clicking here. [A Call To The Bullpen]

· It's The Office Joker-off! Creed wins. Shivverrrrr... · We mentioned the Today Show's fairytale costumes this morning, but you really need to watch the whole Matthew Broderick-narrated introduction (a marketing tie-in for The Tale Of Despereaux) to appreciate how exquisitely awkward and unsettling the whole thing was. Stick around for Kathy Lee's diva-fit over being forced into a fur suit to play the Wolf. (We think that's a fur suit.) Then click here to see a dog hungrily investigate Al Roker's blue crotch button. · The Sword celebrates the guy-in-a-bear-suit-blowing-a-guy-in-a-tux scene from The Shining (or as they call it around Defamer HQ, Tuesday), and nine other "homo-oriented horror flicks." · Somehow this costume ended up on a list of Worst Halloween Costumes Ever. Perhaps this list was compiled in Bizarro World, where the "worst" is actually totally kick-ass. You want bad? We'll give you bad. (Though an A for execution.) · OK, this isn't Halloweenish, per se, but here's the cover and song listing of Britney Spears's new album, Circus. Pay special attention to track #9, "Mmm Papi." We smell a hit.

It's a very happy Halloween for five of our commenters, whose grace, wit, and snark under pressure will be rewarded in a cash prize of valuable Sherri Shepherd currency (not accepted at most U.S. retail locations). Congratulations! Now, on to the Comments of the Week: · YahooUnserious on Courtenay Semel's Stirring New Catchphrase: 'Google Me, You Dumb Fuck': "Yahoo! Me" is something she only says to other girls. · Wrapitup on As Ronald Reagan on 'The View,' Elisabeth Just Says No To Joy Behar: Going butch and brunette suits Hasselbeck so much better. She looks like an adorable Puerto Rican twink.· NoWireHangers on Gay Men And 13-Year-Old Girls Unite In Protest Against Cut Zac Efron Shower Scene: Based on Zac's arm motions, it appears the song was "Y-M-C-A." · Tiger_Tanaka on Arrest Of Bill Pullman's Son Reveals The Ravages Of Moonshineface: I'd be upset too if my werewolf transformation was interrupted. · mwynn13 on Here's Joe Francis Bashing Lindsay Lohan's Girlfriend, Samantha 'Rosnan': I thought he generally approved of the path of young ladies pretending to be gay. Nice work, Top Five. For the rest of you on this fine holiday: here's a toothbrush.

Click to viewBoomp3.com Popular TV doc Katherine Heigl nearly passed out on the red carpet after catching a whiff of her beloved pooch’s breath. Heigl knew her dog’s breath was going to be rather intense, but she obviously underestimated the strength of it. Heigl said, “Looks like we’ll have to up Ronaldo’s brushings to five times a day like his mommy.” Heigl also mentioned she will most likely introduce an intensive program similar to the program she introduced to break rocker husband Joshua Kelley of his bad single-man habits. Heigl added, “It took two weeks, but he learned to love sitting down while going pee.” [Photo Credit: Splash Pics] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

So maybe you did your partying last night, or that movie brat costume didn't come together. Open all your candy up in a bowl, grab a fork and order in some insulin. WATCH Gangland [9 PM, History Channel] - Learn about some of America's most notorious gangs through frightening interviews with former, present and incarcerated gang members (blurred faces, distorted voices), stock footage and ultra-serious narration. We declined to be interviewed for this episode, as our gang concentrates more on trying new flavors of Ben & Jerry's than brutal intimidation tactics and proliferating fear. But we're working up to those things.

No one does Halloween like L.A. Here's what's to do: · Director Edgar Wright will host a double-feature at the New Beverly, including a screening of his own Shaun of the Dead, and Riki Oh: The Story of Ricky, plus the uncut version of Don't, Wright's Grindhouse trailer. · D.A.N.C.E. on H.A.L.L.O.W.E.E.N.: The West Coast premiere of Justice musical doc A Cross The Universe is at The Montalbán. The band will be there! · And then they'll be at Hard Haunted Mansion, accompanied by Soulwax, Boys Noize, DJ AM (yes!), and Simian Mobile Disco. It's sold out, but they didn't say positively. · Have a severe panic attack at the annual WeHo Halloween Carnival. Chelsea Handler will be crowned the Queen.· Cypress Hill host Haunted Hill at The Wiltern. · Avalon's End Of The World Halloween Weekend has Mickey Avalon, James Zabiela and Damian Lazarus · The Dusk-to-Dawn Horrorthon features splattery chills all night at the Egyptian. Santa Sangre, Pieces, Scream...And Die!, and more! · For comedy lovers, Killgore at the UCB Theater is the "bloodiest, goriest, messiest show UCBTLA has ever seen! The first two rows of seats will be given plastic sheeting to avoid being spattered with blood!" Awesome. · Echo Park Time Travel Mart, aka the 826LA storefront, presents A Very Special Halloween Dead Author Reading. · Halloween Silent Movie with Clark Wilson: Phantom of the Opera features live accompaniment to the 1925 classic by Clark Wilson on Disney Hall's giant McDonald's french fry serving organ. · "Horror-rock kingpin" Roky Erickson hosts Night of the Vampire at the El Rey. · Echoplex hosts the Bondage Ball fetish gala.

The MPAA ratings system tomorrow celebrates its 40th birthday — four full decades of tormenting filmmakers, distributors and, ultimately, audiences with an inconsistent moral code symbolized by those infamous G, PG, PG-13, R and NC-17 ratings. In an interview published Thursday in Time, MPAA chief Dan Glickman and ratings board chair Joan Graves reflected warmly on the system's evolution over the years; and while we agree that Hollywood's self-governance is preferable to the zealotry of the Hays Code and other puritanical watchdogs who preceded it, Graves and Co. remain the city's worst censors by any other name. So join us after the jump to commemorate the MPAA's milestone with a look back at 40 decisions affirming its less-than-inspiring legacy. Unhappy 40th, everyone![In no particular order] · The Thomas Crown Affair: The 1968 original was rated R simply for its suggestive chess match between Steve McQueen and Faye Dunaway. · The Panic in Needle Park: An early, ugly example of the MPAA's screenplay-vetting process talked up by Graves last summer. The 1971 Al Pacino starrer had its script rated X before going into production; the filmmakers revised drug-addiction and sexuality plot points to earn an R for the finished film. Pure censorship, and a process that continues to this day.

Click to viewBoomp3.com Malibu quickly turned into Coolsville, as soon as the world’s number one cool guy John Cusack returned from a stint up in the great white north. One Malibu resident was excited about Cusack’s return to the sleepy beach city. The resident said, “It’s not that we lost our cool status. It’s just we weren’t as cool as we usually are. Now with Mr. Coolsack back in town, we’re about cool as a polar bear. Boosh!” [Photo Credit: X17] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.