When we awoke this morning to discover California hadn't yet crashed into the sea, we had little choice but to acknowledge that the culturally cataclysmic worst was behind us. Another profound symbol of recovery arrived shortly thereafter, when we heard that Harvey Weinstein actually paid tribute to exiled Reader producer Scott Rudin at the film's premiere Wednesday night.
When Radio Station Photo-Op Ideas Go Wrong: David Archuleta Glimpses Horrifying Vision of His Possible, Justin Guariniesque Future Edition! Someone at Oakland's KHOP 95.1 FM thought it would be a good idea to have Archie work the Drive-Thru/sign autographs at fourth-tier fast food franchise Del Taco (seriously, they couldn't trade him up to a Quiznos or something?), which the preternaturally upbeat, tweensy Idol phenomenon smiled through without complaint. (His father was just out of camera range, barking, "Goddamit the blue Tercel said NO sour cream. Get in the GAME, son.") Enjoy a gallery of photos here, including one of Archuleta sweetly taking the time to sign the back of Pugsley Addams's T-shirt. [ONTD]
As a special end-of-the-week treat for you, we have this video of If I Did It author O.J. Simpson being sentenced in the Armed Sports-Memorabilia-Recovering Trial of the Century. Watch, as Judge Jackie Glass—whose name is temporarily on loan from the Museum of Blaxsploitation Cinema in Las Vegas, NV—first takes an especially delicious sip from a drinking straw before delivering the news. ("So, Mr. Simpson, the court has found as follows: Slurrrrrrrrrrrrrrp. Slurrrrrp. Slrrrrr. Sl. Slll. Sl. OK, where was I? Oh right, your sentence...") A little later you might notice Simpson glance down, perhaps to read the "YOU'RE FUCKED. SORRY!" note his lawyer had just scribbled on a legal pad. [CNN]
Flaccid Rankings: In an attempt to rebut the cruel patriarchy of Mr. Skin's women-only list of the year's top nude scenes, The Frisky has published their own Top 10, detailing the best bare men of the year. As a commentary on this year's slim male pickings, two of the winners went nothing more than shirtless, one was onstage, and the winner was Jason Segel from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Alas, The Reader continued its nude scene shutout. Old Harvey would have gotten Kate Winslet on this list somehow, even without a penis! The full list, after the jump:
Have 'Em In Bed by Midnight: The one morning we don't listen to Ryan Seacrest's show, look at what we miss: Pussycat Dolls Celebrity Child Daycare is officially ready for business! And they didn't waste any time courting their first client. "We can babysit Britney Spears' kids!" said lead Doll Nicole Scherzinger, whose combo will open for Spears on her upcoming tour. Surely both parties couldn't ask for a better deal, with young Sean and Jayden Federline getting the tender pop-burlesque nanny care that has long eluded them, and the gaze of the boys' innocent eyes helping the Dolls endure the nightly pain of backstage Brazilian waxes. Win-win! [RyanSeacrest.com]
This year's Halloween festivities were made more terrifying than ever with the introduction of the printable Grazerhead mask, sending an army of superproducing ghouls down the streets of L.A. in search of delicious, Nobel Laureate-worthy brains on which to feed. Indeed, Grazerhead has given us so much, and asked so little in return, that it dawned on us recently that we might have taken it a little for granted. Surely it didn't just appear fully formed on the horizon, like some caveman-stupefying monolith built by an unseen extraterrestrial species. To be even more specific, what of the spiky outcroppings that line its crown, like the thorny needles of some exotic flora? Or, to put it more plainly, what's with the hair, dude?
For all those hopeful that the success of Brokeback Mountain would lead to more films with A-list male stars in the throes of gay romance, here is what you have wrought: the Jim Carrey/Ewan McGregor romcom I Love You, Phillip Morris. A trailer for the film just emerged from France (of course it would be France!), detailing the wild true story of Steve Russell (Carrey), who was a devoted family man until a car accident turned him gay. Watch out, Morgan Freeman! The newly liberated Russell quickly turns into a con artist, eventually ending up in jail, where he falls head over heels for the incarcerated titular character (McGregor). Suddenly, a gay audience that's clamored for more on-screen kisses will be forced to confront the terror that is Carrey initiating them. The clip, after the jump:
Welcome back to Defamer Attractions, your weekly guide to everything new, noteworthy and/or catastrophic at the movies. Today we welcome back a franchise that uncannily lives up to its name, a meaty slice of Oscar bait and a congested second tier of art-house strivers, all pleading for your time opposite new DVD releases in the smoldering Doomsday aftermath. As always, our opinions are our own, but they are well-behaved, great with kids and they won't chew up your furniture. Adopt them after the jump!
· Who is worthy to open the book, and to loose the seals thereof? Rev 5:2
· And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death. Rev 6:8
· And when he had opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour. Rev 8:1
· And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name. Rev 13:17
· Be thou faithful unto death, and I will give thee a crown of life. Rev 2:10
· How much she hath glorified herself, and lived deliciously, so much torment and sorrow give her: for she saith in her heart, I sit a queen, and am no widow, and shall see no sorrow. Rev 18:7
We get a lot of mail every day at Defamer HQ, some utterly essential, some a little more on the expendable side. But on a day packed with layoffs, Grammy Hell, Hamlin/Rinna reality shows, Paris Hilton's slimy bologna, remake overload, pseudo Doomsday Babies and strip-joint fires, it seems natural — and more than a little spooky — that the Defamer mailbag tested positive for unusually high levels of armageddon. After the jump, join us in winding down Apocalypse Watch '08 with a run through the apocalyptic subject lines that were, and in mourning the vibrant pop culture that was.
Snow Job: After announcing the 2009 lineup, Sundance organizers are now speaking out about adjustments they've made in the wake of threatened, Prop 8-related boycotts. Fest director Geoff Gilmore told the NY Times that Sundance "will make certain that no film is screened only in the Holiday Village theater in Park City, operated by Cinemark, a chain whose chief executive, Alan Stock, donated to Proposition 8’s backers in the November election. The idea is to give anyone who has qualms about Cinemark the opportunity to see a movie somewhere else." [NY Times]
On a day that has seen its fair share of horrors, the suddenly, comparatively innocuous couple of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes couldn't have picked a better day for news of their upcoming dual cover story for the NY Times magazine to leak out. After we've witnessed Satan himself emerge onto Sunset Blvd. to announce a series/collagen installment plan for Lisa Rinna, what damage can be done a creepy story like Cruise's revelation that he bought Holmes an engagement ring after their first date? With the black smoke coursing through our city, who can choke out a laugh at Holmes's insistence that she hasn't become a Stepford wife? Oh wait, we can:
ET has been pumping its first look of Terminator: Salvation this Tuesday, to be presided over by none other than the world's most recognizably uni-named pop-spectacle-overseer himself, McG. (Eat his dust, Tarsem.) Today, however, we bring you the promo to the promo. It's as fitting an exclusive as we are likely to find for you on this, Pop Culture Doomsday: A fourth sequel to a picked-over Schwarzenegger franchise about a battle for human survival after a nuclear annihilation. Doesn't get any more apocalypto than that!
More bloodshed from the Doomsday trenches: Nikki Finke has word that "as much as half of the Hollywood Reporter staff" faces downsizing today, with TV writers Barry Garron and Kimberly Nordyke already pink-slipped alongside editors Harley Lond and Randee Cohen. And a tipster just sent a memo confirming that People Magazine has upheld its bicoastal execution orders issued a month ago, concluding 18 buyouts and/or "staff reductions" right on schedule with the pop-culture apocalypse. Nice. The memo follows the jump.
If that photo isn't straight from the Book of Revelation, we suppose a shot of Dane Cook could be appended to complete the unholy triumvirate. Our apocalypse rations are ready (Franzia, tuna, batteries, The Rock Criterion Collection DVD) and the car is gassed up, so we're just going to strap in and wait for the Last Judgment. The Lord will reserve his harshest punishments for those with full DVRs.
When Hollywood's best and brightest finally look for signs leading up to today's stripper-consuming, Dark Lord-producing Pop Cultural Doomsday, we have a feeling they'll find a trail of dark psychic energy leading all the way back to the day before Thanksgiving, when NBC aired a televised ritual of evil incantations known as Rosie Live! It was here that the stage was no doubt set for our destruction, and accordingly, comedienne Kathy Griffin adopted a "what the hell" attitude and attempted to mend fences with longtime foil Clay Aiken backstage. Sadly, even the impending end of the world couldn't produce warm feelings from Aiken:
Mountain Men: The Sundance Film Festival broke out its non-competition selections for 2009 this afternoon, a starrier, funkier twist on yesterday's slate of barbershop docs and Pierce Brosnan weepies. At the top is Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor's gay prison romance I Love You Philip Morris, which we've been anticipating since first spying Carrey's frolicsome South Beach sojourn. Richard Gere, Ethan Hawke and Don Cheadle will be around for the cop drama Brooklyn's Finest, while Billy Bob Thornton is bringing two films — the Bret Easton Ellis adaptation The Informers (also with Winona Ryder and Mickey Rourke — stay off the slopes, guys!) and the crap-salesman comedy Manure. Robin Williams, Uma Thurman, Ashton Kutcher, Kevin Spacey, Zooey Deschanel and Kristen Stewart bring up the rear; here's hoping Winona leaves them their gift bags. [SFF]
Shenae Grimes's big break came when she was cast in Degrassi III: The Search for Joey Jeremiah, only the most recent incarnation of the long-running Canadian teen drama. She then went on to nab the central role on The CW's much-hoopla'd 90210, rendering the Canadian actress a full-fledged U.S. American celebrity—instantly sending her on a nerve-wracking crash quest to rid herself of telltale Torontoisms like pronouncing sorry "sore-y" and smiling a lot for no reason. Upon returning to her native land to attend this year's Gemini Awards ("Celebrating semi-outstanding achievement in Canadian television since the Mulroney administration™"), however, Grimes was reportedly less than magnanimous to the modest, beaver-rearing stock from which she came:
No catastrophic cultural implosion is complete without a Doomsday Baby, and we think we might have gotten ours when pregnanter-than-pregnant Biggest Loser host Alison Sweeney went into labor during today's taping of Ellen. Even Defamer's office of Fact-Checking and Devil's Advocacy seems to stand by the veracity of the accompanying video, which features Ellen coming out of a break to greet the contorting, hyperventilating Sweeney with every expectant mother's favorite question, "Are you kidding?" To which Sweeney replies in the negative with all her searing underworld might. Uncanny!
