The moody pop/performance-art troupe Coldplay is getting ready for one of the biggest weekends of its career, rehearsing Grammy acceptance speeches even as its members prepare to dodge Joe Satriani's legal wrath.

Like a weird uncle who gives his adult nephew a present that reads "From Santa," Joaquin Phoenix is still struggling to prop up a hoax-y music career that's way past its sell-by date.

· Just for the record: David Poland is completely above suggesting what he's clearly suggesting about Gus Van Sant and Dustin Lance Black. Got it?
· Warning: Oscar surprises ahead, which may or may not include Jack Palance's disinterred corpse doing hydraulics-assisted push-ups.
· It's the Christian Bale And I Are Done Professionally T-shirt. Get 'em while they're hot.
· Fox gets edgy with its promos: Check out their vintage grindhouse-style double-feature spot for Terminator and Dollhouse. We've never been more excited to El Fuego Our Fridays!

Dakota Fanning has thus far built a whole career out of appearing unsettlingly wise for her age on screen. Now, she aims to befuddle in a whole new way.

There's no single passage from this epic new David Fincher interview that we feel especially good singling out at others' expense, but at least one answers history's long-standing question: Why is he such a prick?

· Joyless, dyslexic, elitist fungus of a film critic David Denby discusses his book Snark at the ICM Screening Room. Should be fun!

Ain't It Cool News fanboy oracle Harry Knowles refuses to post the Christian Bale rant, but goes on at some length today on why he chose to side with the mercurial action star.

If you've spent any time second-guessing what exactly Gwyneth Paltrow is up to at her healthy-living passion project GOOP — and really, who hasn't? — the upstart Web proprietress has a word for you.

Remember when Tuesday nights used to mean Gilmore Girls? Now it's reality shows (Idol, Biggest Loser), superficial but fun teenage shows (90210, Privileged) and various procedurals (SVU, The Mentalist). We'll nap until The Daily Show.

Since having been returned to her grits-fixin' father for safekeeping, Britney's displaced entourage of swarthy, middle-aged ne'er-do-wells have turned cantankerous. Friday, she issued restraining orders against goon-faced heavy Sam Lutfi and soulless-patched paparazzo Adnan Ghalib.

We know things have been rough for NBC of late, and that it deserves every bit of hard-fought glory it can grab. Stiil, that's no excuse to claim 151 million people watched Super Bowl XLIII.

Though Scarlett Johansson usually warbles the words of a male troubadour, she's now singing a different tune about parts of the male anatomy that she's just not that into.

1/2 — Monday night, I went to Via Veneto, a cozy and horribly overpriced little Italian place on Main Street in Santa Monica, there at the back table in the dark shadows...

Eastsiders: Watch your back. SRSLY. [la.metblogs.com]

SAG president Alan Rosenberg's ploy to halt contract talks and reinstate his closest strike-friendly ally could be going better, with a judge this afternoon rejecting his petition for a temporary restraining order.

It's not often that an actor's diva tirade is so seismically preposterous as to inspire an outpouring of sheer joy and responsive creativity from a deeply appreciative public. But that's precisely what Christian Bale's has done.

Apparently, Vivica A. Fox's crystal ball began flashing alarms after her Psychic Friends infomercial leaked, because the actress is now trying to extricate herself from the hotline in the most hilarious way possible, MMM-HMM.

During its years on the studio shelf, He's Just Not That Into You came to symbolize New Line's burgeoning reputation as the place best romcom intentions go to die. Not so fast, haters!

· Reaper Season Two will begin earlier than expected: It airs Tuesdays at 8, where it will fend off the Idol dragon, while princess 90210 is shuffled off to the safety of 9 p.m. [THR]

View hostess Sherri Shepherd has worked with Alec Baldwin, Tracy Morgan, and Andy Dick, among others. So which of these gentlemen was she alluding to when she said she'd witnessed some Christian Bale-sized freakouts?