Last night's waste-of-Alec-Baldwin Saturday Night Live was a sour little mess. But, in the interest of focusing on the positive, the three best sketches are after the jump.

Jade Goody, a 27-year-old British woman suffering from cervical cancer, had her diagnosis broadcast on national television. And now that her illness has been deemed terminal, she'll film her last moments alive.

Madonna's current boyfriend, six-year-old 22-year-old schoolboy model Jesus Pinto da Luz, has been stolen, his parents claim. He's not allowed to call them and is being held captive at the singer's Maldives lair.

Happy V-Day, dicklickers. Obviously I'm working today and obviously you're on the internet. So boo-hoo for both of us. If you're staying in tonight like me, but want some sexy-time, here are movie suggestions.

She's done reality TV and (horrifyingly) interviewed her own daughter on the red carpet, and now Dina Lohan, mother of Lindsay and presumably other children, has an exciting new job opportunity: creepy Long Island transient.

Defamer's Week In Review: Sweethearts were lost, found, exploited and uncorked. Reminisce with us after the jump, and enjoy your Valentine's Day weekend!

· Run, Clive, run! [The View]

Friday
· Annie Lennox appears at the Grammy Museum for a Q&A/mini-performance.

It's Valentine's Day tomorrow, which means there's no better time for our best commenters of the week to win a romantic getaway nestled in Joaquin Phoenix's roomy, hoax-abetting beard. So who won?

We've heard lots of vague allusions to the "intimacy" and "coziness" promised by this year's Oscar reinventors, but Hugh Jackman prefers to be a little more specific. And by "a little," regrettably, we mean it.

Airborne bought the back of THR today to announce that the first actor or actress Oscar winner to say, "I'd like to thank Airborne for this award" at the podium would earn $1 million.

Last night's McFlurry-obsessed episode of 30 Rock? Totally not a McDonald's product placement, avers Tina Fey, the show's writer and star, and we must believe her, as she is everything right and good about America.

We must be dead, stupid & hate movies:Here's Cannes! [CHUD]

With the tighter confines of a New York City subway car to contain him, Travolta has downgraded his Parisian bazooka for a more conveniently terrorizing handgun. And as the heavily tattooed hijacker to Denzel Washington's transit worker-turned-crisis negotiator, he's surrendered the adorable leather-daddy exterior we had hoped he'd maintain for at least a few more roles. Alas, the savagery is complete. As for the rest, we're still not convinced the 1974 original required a visit from the End of Ideas fairy, but who can say really say no to Tony Scott? Oh. Well, give it a look anyway.

Friday nights are so bad that there's a well-researched Wikipedia entry devoted to the death slot. Fox is getting all mavericky and throwing Dollhouse into the mix, assuming the target audience won't have plans tonight.

We're on the record anticipating Seth Rogen's mall-cop comedy Observe and Report as the moody anti-Blart for thinking adults. But the new green-band trailer has us wondering if Warners has us all fooled.

We usually leave the sports stuff for Deadspin, but HBO's new series Eastbound & Down has very little to do with sports, and even less to do with compassionate human interaction. We're cool with that.

Thanks to this week's sponsors: Allstate, Crunch, Ilus New York, Nerve, Virgin Atlantic. To become an advertiser, click here.

In a surprise turn of events that will require her to temporarily suspend her ongoing vinyl-alphabetization project at the Ronson Archives, a previously thought uninsurable Lindsay Lohan will star in A Nightmare on Elm Street.

Danny Boyle's next: A chick flick? [Variety via HE]