Penélope Cruz's Oscar victory may have been a great moment for Spain, but it was a terrible tragedy for America because it has forced statistician Nate Silver to break up with his greatest love: numbers.

Lady actors don't win Oscars based on film performances; it's all about giving the best acceptance speech. And the dirty, dirty Academy demands an orgasmic experience (or at least someone who can fake it well).

While you sat on the couch bleary-eyed and stunned that you lost your Oscar pool, the rich and famous schmoozed and drank til dawn. To share the experience, we have a gallery for you.

Today we have an Oscar honoree stepping out on his wife, a diva being a diva, coked-out actresses and reality stars, and some bitchy B-lister saying mean things at fashions shows.

This ad came on during the Oscars and we're still baffled. It starts with Tom Cruise and Jimmy Kimmel in a steamy, tumbling embrace in Cruise's bedroom. Then it gets weird.

It's not that we don't sympathize with Ryan Seacrest. The Oscar red carpet is a relentless stream of thin-skinned celebrities. But the celebrity interviewer seemed especially cringe-inducing this year.

An on-stage musical extravaganza. Two epic gay rights speeches. Sean Penn's upset win for Milk. The 2009 Oscars were easily the gayest yet.

With Slumdog Millionaire sweeping the Academy Awards — eight Oscars including best picture — and Kate Winslet taking best actress for The Reader, only Sean Penn's best actor win for Milk managed to surprise.

While you were busy ogling pretty ladies in pretty dresses, ABC was airing Barbara Walters' investigative report on the really important issues. Such as: Is Joe Jonas a jerk? And is Hugh Jackman gay?

He's red-cheeked, in a bar, vaguely aggressive and verbally erratic, so maybe Jack Black is a little sauced. More likely, he's just being Jack Black. Very Jack Black. (Click for clip.)

It's Oscars night, and that can only mean one thing: We're comfortably inebriated on André-based punch, wrapped snuggly in a Snuggie™ (and nothing else), and ready to liveblog the hell out of this bitch.

As soon as the couple gets within range, the network will presumably deploy Jennifer Aniston as a sort of celebrity Hellfire missile. Click for full-sized image.

Indian names baffle E!'s Ryan Seacrest, so he just held a sign up to the camera to introduce children from the cast of Slumdog Millionaire. Sad. Then things got more weird.

Evening! The celebrities are stumbling down the red carpet into the Kodak Theater for the Academy Awards right now. Keep checking here for updates on all the fashionz. Also, someone please smack Ben Lyons.

Like a waffling yard sale lady who, push come to shove, simply couldn't part with her prized collection of People "Sexiest Man Alives," Nick Denton has succumbed to a crippling case of seller's remorse.

[A worker prepares an Oscar statue that had lost its luster during a year in storage to gleam outside the Kodak Theatre tonight; pic via Getty]

A tipster tells us Wendi Deng dropped by MySpace headquarters with a friend on Friday. What is Mrs. Rupert Murdoch up to at the News Corp.-owned social network?

Is it a big fat spoiler to point out that a trailer is a big fat spoiler? Because that's what this one is. I read the script a while back and except for the very end, everything's in here. The movie stars Adam Sandler as comedy superstar "George Simmons" who befriends up-and-comer Seth Rogen. They play pretty much the same Apatow man-boys that populate all of his movies, except here they're dealing with issues weightier than whether it's worth it to give up their bongs to get a hot girl.

In this video that was "leaked" yesterday by the show's producers, Hugh Jackman talks about how hard he's working and why it's so very important to not make an ass out of yourself. And you get a glimpse of some of the numbers the show's producers — Bill Condon and and Laurence Mark, who last collaborated on the film version of Dreamgirls — have come up with. So, yes, not much of a mystery that the show will borrow a lot from Broadway.

Defamer's Week In Review: Paradise was lost, gained, auctioned and recycled in front of our very eyes. Reflect with us after the jump, and we'll see you back here Sunday night for our Oscar liveblog!